Via John Callen’s FB page.
To find out, read my favorite “Earth Day” post from Armitageworld ever, here!
After several days of sitting in shul, conclusions I’ve come to:
1. Suffocating wave of grief in combination w/Easter – Passover: realization. I’ve done Passover so often w/parents of SOs, even with ex-SO’s Christian parents, and I’d always hoped I could invite my mother some day, that one day we’d get past the crevasse over religion that I opened up between us. How much more business will reveal itself as unfinished? Or maybe, as I said to someone yesterday morning, it’s that you don’t know ahead of time exactly which business is unfinished until you get there.
1a. Yizkor for Passover is tomorrow noonish, and I’m teaching. I’m not ready to cancel class for that. So there it is.
1b. Pesky’s debilitating pain on the second Seder and his decision to go to 770 this Sabbath — none of us ever step into the same river twice. We have no time. This was acutely on my mind in September but it somehow receded as my grief deepened. There is, in fact, no time — no matter how much time we have.
1c. The pattern I failed to recognize in this complex was that mom was already dying. The diagnosis came weeks later but she must have already known inside, and I didn’t listen well enough. I wasn’t listening.
2. Shame — every time anyone shamed you, Serv: it seemed like you had earned it, like it was what you deserved. That is why it tires you out — not because of any fatigue from outrage, but because of the secret fear that those who shame you are correct about who you are, and the ongoing fight to stand up straight in the face of the shame takes all your energy. If you could bring yourself to feel outraged, or at least to detach from the feeling that you merit some general opprobrium, you might actually derive some energy from the whole thing. Instead, you shame yourself. So goal realization 3 of fandom — no more shame — fandom is the place to work this out because there is so much shame, anger, rage, here. And also the opposite. So much joy, beauty, love.
3. As this phase of my life ends, relief, but still hard to hold two entirely different pictures of the future in my mind. A few more months. In the fullness of time. The sun rises every morning.