Off balance
I’m starting off this post by conceding how stupid this very topic is.
Richard Armitage stumbles slightly as he and Jacob Anderson rehearse the chase scene through the breaker’s yard in Spooks 7.6. Cap from extra “The Chase” in the DVD collection. Source: Richard Armitage Central Gallery.
Emotional about a TV show? Servetus, get a grip.
Emotional about a TV character? Ditto.
Those two things line up directly with obsessive about an actor. Crazed enough to write tens of thousands of words about his performances.
Having conceded all of those rational critiques about what I am about to write in advance, this is how I feel. And I think what’s getting me this week is the way that Spooks 9.7 ends up in confluence with things I’ve already wondered about Mr. Armitage as a fellow late thirty, early fortysomething.
For me the whole question of who is a killer (Vaughn, Lucas?) and who isn’t (Ruth?) — the moral status of these characters, how we judge it, and how we feel about it as a consequence — seems to be being sidelined in my emotions by the identity problem. I admit I want Lucas to be a hero, but that’s not the biggest issue for me and if I never saw 9.8 or learned the explanation for any of this, I think I’d justify the story line with the explanation that twentysomethings do a lot of questionable things, and that John had indeed tried to atone for his reprehensible actions by sacrificing his life for Queen and country, and by doing a number of noble things as Lucas. I think this is the reason why I was less bothered by script implausibilities in 9.6 and 9.7 than I was in 9.3 and especially 9.4; I can live with him not being a hero.
But what I still want to know — and if the final script doesn’t address there may be a big problem in Servetusland– is who Lucas North, who’s now turned out to be John Bateman, really is. There are so many lines from 9.7 ringing in my ears, especially Ruth’s about the craziness of simply being able to pick up and continue living after witnessing such horror, along with her inability to speak when she calls Niko, but none more poignant than Vaughn’s statement about how Lucas is a killer who dreamed he was a hero. But that now the killer has awakened. Armitage’s acting throughout the series has, after clearly separating the killer from the hero, moved them together, so that even we can’t really tell at this point who Lucas / John is. If John is to be redeemed, it seems likely to fall out, it will be at most a flawed redemption.
It’s not that I need John / Lucas to be either a hero or a killer, but I need to know which. In the whole maze of issues that have bedeviled the last five years of my life, my own personal problems lately circle around my increasing suspicious that I’m a nice girl from nowhere who dreamed she was a professor. It’s not that I need to be one or the other more particularly — it’s that I need to know which it is I am in order to figure out what to do next, and I can’t tell. But I may have in my own life to face the troubling possibility that Armitage’s acting has suggested with increasing vigor since 9.5 — that John and Lucas are the same person, that the girl from nowhere can neither fully realize, nor effectively ditch, the professor. The only redemption available is partial; the only exits that present themselves really offer no way out.
I hope you find your answers, Servetus. There are days when I’m still not completely sure who I am, except that I’m more than some people think and less than other do, and don’t judge me by the surface.
I hope we all get some kind of satisfactory answer to the dilemma of “who is Lucas North?” on Monday. I can live with him having made some bad mistakes and seeking to redeem himself, but not being a complete and utter fraud. What that says about me, I’m not sure.
Lying is hard to deal with; it breaks the bonds of human connection. I think it’s that we’ve come to think of Lucas as a real person, and if he was lying to us this whole time? What then?
It’s a sense of being betrayed for me. If I suddenly found out my husband had been involved in some very nefarious activities in the years before we were married–or that he currently led a double life with another woman–I would be completely and utterly shattered. I would feel as if I have been living a lie for half my life.
Now, Benny is the real thing and, yes, I do know, Lucas is fiction, but honestly he seems as real to me as some people I know, thanks to Mr. A.’s performance. It’s like Guy all over again, except worse. Because I saw Lucas as essentially a hero from the first. OK, yes, enigmatic, damaged, with some mysteries yet to be uncovered–but surely a good and decent man, an honorable man?
And now I am supposed to believe I can’t necessarily believe a word he has said over these three series.
It’s just–hard.
Funny – I was pondering the same question in relation to RA himself over the weekend.
I have to ask, Kaprekar–in what context were you pondering RA and lying . . . in relation to Lucas’s character? I’m just curious.
I confess I am feeling as if the wool has been pulled over our eyes in that respect, as far as this series has played out and the comments that were made by RA and Laila in interviews, etc.
Were the actors encouraged to play up certain aspects of their characters and relationships that weren’t quite that way in the actual scripts?
Did a lot end up on the cutting room floor? I still can’t fathom Lucas/John’s obsession with Maya, for example. I have seen nothing to make me understand it.
Anyway, Spooks has certainly pulled out the ratings they wanted, haven’t they? I am sure tonight is being eagerly awaited/deeply dreaded by many . . .
I should add I realize there are PR issues, spin doctors, all aimed at teasing the audience to get them to watch. Ratings is the name of the game and I understand that, whether or not I agree (and I clearly do NOT agree) with the atory arc and the total re-invention of the character Lucas North. Didn’t just fall off the turnip truck; but I do feel–had? Disappointed? It’s complicated . . . *sigh*
Does it really matter what facilitated your thoughts? This is the deepest thing you’ve said on this blog, and that’s going some.
I suppose not.
You never know, this may be just the prelude to “Servetus tells all” as we recover from Spooks and need something to talk about it.
Oh, and thanks!
Can I buy a house in servetusland? It seems like it would be interesting to live there. What’s the climate and weather like? Can I grow a flower and vegetable garden?
You need to know which. I need to know why. It is simple as that.
Good and evil co-exist in each of us, there is no reason that a nice girl and a professor cannot co-exist in the same person. Academia is a brutal environment, heavily political, old-boy networked (not limited to males anymore), patronage, grant dollar driven. Find your niche and make it your own, whatever it is. If the place doesn’t make you happy find one that does. There are bastards and SOBs in EVERY field. If you find something you really want to do whatever it is, fight for it. I have a friend who is a professor, young, brilliant early thirties. She created an undergraduate and graduate program in her field and now her new Dean is trying to bring in his friend to take it all away from her. Why because she was tapped for an important University task force that has brought her much recognition and influence with the Administration. She has recently realized that although she once loved the place, that is exactly it, she loved what it was 8 years ago, not what it is now. She will look to move on because there is more for her to do yet. I think these periods of introspection occur because it means we are about to enter a personal growth stage. Embrace it. Not a lecture, just a poor attempt to comfort.
The weather is mostly nice, but the sky is often troubled by lower pressure identity crisis systems. You have to crawl into bed with your favorite 19th c. novel while they are passing over; there is no other prophylaxis.
I’m definitely being forced into a personal growth stage!
And we love you, Servetus, and we want to see you happy and fulfilled. And I know, as Ann Marie said, academia can be a harsh and brutal environment and I know that is tough on a fellow nice girl; she’s also right in that every field has its pluses and minuses.
I guess the grass probably does always seem greener on the other side.
I hate the way GNL Newspapers is more concerned with revenue and big bonuses for admins than with decent editorial content, and yet, Our little newspaper has won best in the state two years in a row because our staff cares. We CARE. You can’t buy that kind of pride.
You’re too bright and insightful and talented not to find that niche you are looking for, Servetus. I’m not trying to lecture, either, just encourage you as you have encouraged me along the way, for which I am most grateful.
see, Angie, that’s why you are a nice girl and I’m from New Jersey. I say bastards and SOBs and you say “pluses and minuses”.
Yeah,Ann Marie, but boy, do my characters sometimes curse a blue streak in my stories. So does the Newspaper Lady under certain conditions around the old office. At least I don’t keep a bottle of whiskey in my desk drawer. *grin*
angie-
“At least I don’t keep a bottle of whiskey in my desk drawer. *grin*”
I can help you with that…
You can always count on the scrappy New Jersey girls to come through. *grin*
Thank you both. I needed encouragement just now!
None of this interaction is a coincidence. None of us found our way here by accident. I firmly believe that people are placed in our lives for reasons we may not understand at the time. I also firmly believe that God helps with our trials by giving us people to help us through them, no matter how small a part we may play….that includes, you, me, angie, November Bride, mulinbinba and each of us.
Why can’t the “girl from nowhere” as you say Servetus, also be the professor? Do we ever fully know who we are, or rather, aren’t we all a product of our many and varied life experiences. I’m much older than you and yet I recently have had a life changing event, and as a friend of mine says, am now trying to find my “new normal”. What about the man who is a professor in his country of origin, who becomes a political refuge in a strange land,and who must now earn a living as a cab driver? He doesn’t stop being the professor he was before to his friends and family, only to the passengers in his cab…or does he? He must make the best out of life, and yet stay true to himself. We all have many identities throughout our lives, we all suffer good and bad times, personally, financially,professionally and so on. You are a young and intelligent woman, and though we don’t know each other, I’m sure you’ll find your way to what you want out of life and your profession.
I think that way about Lucas and John. (If he is indeed John Bateman and not Lucas North – but that’s another theory-LOL). After all, John’s skill at killing were useful when he became Lucas North of MI5. His skill at lying, or rather of becoming another person, were useful when he became a spy at MI5. If he could be a hero for 15 years, plus 8 years of prison and torture,than somewhere inside there’s a person with a conscience. Maybe, maybe not? It’s up to the Spooks writers. I’ll still love the Lucas of season 7 & 8, no matter what the ending on Monday.
This is a nice point about Lucas, and generally — we don’t lose the things we’ve learned along the way. Thanks for your confidence in me.
Be prepared for a cliffhanger in 9.8 that may not provide all the answers we seek. I’m hopeful they’ll wrap up most of the story though, leaving the question of who survives it all to keep us guessing until 10.1.
Good luck, nice girl professor
How could it be otherwise? At least after tomorrow night I’ll be able to read the internet again.
actually, I like that sobriquet: Dr. Servetus, Nice Girl Professor. Sounds like a novel from the 1950s.
I think I read that one once, actually, in between Donna Park Girl Detective stories. *grin*
Cherry Ames, Dude Ranch Nurse was a personal favorite.
We had Trixie Belden, Nancy Drew, and those Happy Hollisters, five brothers and sisters with whom I had a true love/hate relationship. Loved reading about their adventures; envied like heck how they got to travel all over the country, to Canada, Mexico, Europe . . . just wasn’t fair.
And there was a nurse–Sue Barton–gosh, we re-read the old Scholastic books we had from that series over and over again.
“the girl from nowhere?” ?? I don’t think so. The core appears to be a woman who never stops questioning. Whether identity, or reactions, how to make a difference to your students.
This might only cyberworld, but the Me + community so much appreciates you, and the insights and detailed analyses. In the words of a British WWII slogan (and not polite) Keep On B******** On. (Am I allowed to say that on a blog?)
You can say whatever you like, fitzg, as long as it’s not cruel. Which you never are.
One of the things I’ve been facing recently is that academia is really an environment in which questions get closed off at a certain point. I’m a curious questioner, I think that’s a solid description of me, but I like the questions much better than the answers. In the classroom it’s easier to model that stance than professionally, I fear, where I’m under pressure to have an answer.
Servetus, your fearless honesty in addressing what’s troubling you about the development of Lucas’ story and then applying it to yourself is what draws me to your blog and keeps me reading your posts, day after day, even though my own life is busy. This is wisdom in its every day form. What do I want from my life, how much can I accept of what irks me? Weighing up the pros and the cons and making decisions is the stuff of life and, as the other posters have pointed out, while being uncomfortable, can lead to renewed growth.
Your blog provides me with an RA-shaped oasis in the desert of duty; should-dos, must-dos, should-have-dones! And I’ll certainly be back next week to mourn my beloved Lucas! (Yes, I’m well aware he’s a fictional character, but that doesn’t stop me loving him!!)
I second MillyMe’s thoughts here, Servetus, both in terms of personal growth and mourning Lucas.
Thanks for the kind sentiments, MillyMe. I wonder about all the questions I am still asking — but I guess I need to keep doing that. After all, I like the questions.
I think Lucas is so real to me now that he seems like he could be an interlocutor. It’s a little scary.
Good luck Servitus! I hope a solution arises that can achieve just the right amount of balance between tough academic life and the lady underneath the academic robes … the “real” person. I decided that acting skills are needed in my profession – my professional persona is not who I am underneath. This weekend there has been a crisis in our family with one of our children having to be admitted into hospital with an acute psychosis. Unfortunately she lives on the other side of the country and we feel powerless to help. So this professional (me) who people rely on to help their children has a chaotic family life where she can’t even help her own children. The title of your post sums the way I feel entirely … “off balance”. Lucas is supposed to be helping his country, he is trying to be the hero, yet he can’t cover up who he is underneath. I confess I do a big cover up job at work, but just scratch the surface and the professional disintegrates into someone who is quite different. I hope there is a reasonable ending for Lucas and I certainly hope you are able to resolve your present dilemma.
@mulubinba,
While I have no children, what we went through with my late parents and in-laws made me realize much of what a parent feels when a child is suffering and in need and they are unable to help in the way they want to do.
I wanted to put some sort of magical Bubblewrap around them to protect them from physical and emotional pain and of course, I couldn’t do that.
Even though I was physically close by, my own health condition, work schedule and such prevented me from doing as much as I wanted. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking, and I do empathize with what you are going through. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and may God bless and keep you.
(((mulubinba))). I will be praying for you and your daughter.
As a side point — these distances we live from our loved ones are so, well, awful. As I try to deal with parents’ problems from 1500 miles away I struggle to know what to do. All this stuff about how modern communications will help us to deal with these problems is not actually helpful.
I, too, feel acutely sensitive to this whole question of how much you can cover up, as it seems to be playing out in Lucas’s life at the moment, and also to the “physician heal thyself” issue. I’m grateful you took the time to comment on such a stressful day in your life.
@mulubinba, thoughts very much with your child and your family.
Being a nice girl from nowhere can be your secret power, my dear. Let her common sense and outsider’s eye be the foundation of your perspective and strength.
Remember that there was a time when Armitage and his agent felt that his acting career was to remain a dream only, and then he got down to business on the character of John Standring. Someone once said to me, as I went on retreat with a spiritual hero “Pay attention not only to what she does, but how she does it.” Try the same with RA. Armitage inspires me with his performances certainly – but learning about how hard he works, the sacrifices he makes, and how carefully he thinks out not only his dramatic choices but also his career opportunities have given me important lessons about my own career in the arts. I’m demanding more of myself, and doors are opening. I mean this quite kindly- and believe me, I say it to the mirror often – watch the self pity, and go kick a**.
Good advice, Goblinfarmer. I also find Richard an inspiration not just through his performances, but the way he has conducted his career and lived his life. Best wishes with your career in the arts and may we all “watch the self pity, and go kick a**.” I think Mr. A would smile at the thought.
I think the problem when I wrote this was self-contempt rather than self-pity, although there’s been a lot of that the last year or so, goblinfarmer. But indeed, the point of writing this blog is trying to analyze the actions of someone who inspires me with his excellence.
But you also inspire us with your excellence, Servetus. Mr A. must be rubbing off on you. *grin*
@Mulubinba, You are in my thoughts and prayers!
@Servetus, You are too! I just reviewed my initial statement on this post, and it seems a little harsh, but as you know it’s part of an ongoing conversation that’s not on this blog. I felt compelled to explain that so as not to be perceived as completely insensitive to your struggles.
I never saw it that way, but for anyone who did: bZirk is hardly a completely insensitive person!
@mulubinba, a prayer from me for you and yours…powerlessness is the most frustrating feeling….in everything that happens to us there is something we are meant to learn. God is with you.
Well said, Ann Marie.
Dear Milubinba;
Our children, whatever their ages, in pain is one of the most traumatic experiences that a parent can go through. My thoughts and prayers are with you in your troubles.
Agree about this trauma relating to parenting — even what I can see from my child’s perspective is sobering. How much our parents have tried to give us; the emotion that that must generate in times of need. If I’d have suspected a fraction of it I’d have tried not to be such an obstinate child.
Mulubinba, I echo all of the above sentiments sent your way. As the mother of 3, nothing has hurt me more than when my babies hurt, even when they’re grown and married. My heart was ripped out when a son fell into my arms at age 24 completely devastated by a betrayal. It was a long, hard road back. I am convinced that God teaches us empathy at these times…an old friend lost her son in a farming accident years ago and she has become the Champion of all moms who have lost children. It’s her gift from God and to God. You may not be able to reach across the miles physically, but your heart is there and with those you touch each day. May God give you peace, wisdom & patience. (If that sounds preachy, sorry. My heart is so with you.)
And Miz Servetus, while I am no professor or a professional of any sort, for that matter, it occurs to me that my “higher calling”, to be a mom, wife, friend and grandma, has introduced me to so many educational opportunities. I became a nurse, a language teacher, a piano teacher, an accountant (that ‘s a joke), a counselor, a chef, a gofer, a vocal teacher, a gardener, a seamstress, a Bible study leader, a mechanic, an artist…so many avenues that have led me to being able to guide younger women. While I’m certainly no expert in any of those “opportunities” (not even close) it is my privilege to encourage those around me in their pursuits of life; plant seeds that I may never see grow fully. You are a planter of the seeds of knowledge and I suspect, that is your gift, wherever you may be. You have my full admiration and respect.
Well said, NovemberBride, great words of wisdom. *two thumbs up*
This is actually something I tell myself; I try to be kind to people around me in hopes that my loved ones in trouble will be the recipient of action from the parts of others who think similarly.
I strongly believe that is true. The kindness we show others comes back to us and to those we love, sometimes in unexpected ways but always in the times we most need it.
And thanks for the encouragement, NovemberBride. Part of the issue for me in leaving academia is probably that I’d be giving up that firm “name” for what I am in order to be something much more amorphous, and it’s important to remember that the fact that I can’t name it doesn’t mean it’s not important.
@ Nov what a lovely sentiment (s). As you said, we wear many hats, and I think, the trick is not to let the “hats” define us. We are so much more than the roles we play. So much. And moreover, why can’t we be all of those roles? Who says you can’t be a nice girl from nowhere AND a professor? In any event, whatever you choose, and yes, regardless of what is heppening, you have a choice I hope it brings you peace and happiness.
I wish I could a put a kettle on and give you (@Sev and @ Mul) both a big hug and a warm cup of tea. So, I am sending teas & synpathy over the ether of the Internet.
I’d love some tea with you, @Rob, esp because I owe you an email it’s kind of you to be so generous
My perception is that trying to fit my nice girl persona into the professor role is that it’s been a relative failure.
@ Sev no worries. i feel as though our emails are just one long conversation happening over a peirod of time. besides, you have your “fans” you are getting like 1,000 hits a day.
BTW I meant tea & sympathy — my typos are ridiculous!!! i type faster than i think!!!
Which is so bizarre. Today will probably again be a “biggest” day ever. I’m looking forward to a lull now that Spooks has ended.
@Mulubinba
I very much feel with you, though I am not a mother. But I think of my sister, who has an illness where the medicine still has no cure or inkling how best to defeat it. I feel the helplessness not being able to actively do something against it and just having to watch.
I hope the best for you and your child with your whole family and enclose you in my prayers.
@Servetus
I read all the comments above and can only agree with them.
One thing I do want to add, which perhaps helps and brightens up your day a bit:
One of my history professors once said – a Professor is someone, who never got the time right to leave university.
Still, he was the best teacher and most understanding educator I ever had in my life. I learned so much about history, but not only that. He also taught me how to encourage people to enfold their own creativity and ideas.
What I read in your blogs gives me the distinct impression that I would really like to study history with you. I never heard the theory background in such an amusing and interesting way.
Thank you for being how you are!
This is a really nice thing to say, CDoart, thanks. You’d be welcome in my classes any time. I also love the line about just never having figured out how to leave the university. Indeed it has to be the case that some of what I’ve learned in the last two decades will be useful in some other contexts. (and if it’s not, all of those things people say about eggheads in ivory towers may be true).
It IS a very nice group of mensches, isn’t it? *grin*
I like to think all my life experiences–good, bad, ugly–offer me lessons, albeit not always ones I welcome at the time. I really fought serious depression for a while when we were going through parental illness and joint unemployment and personal illness, but it was a sort of trial by fire. And I somehow survived it and I like to think I am a better person for it. I have tried to be.
My respect steadily grows for your accomplishments, angieklong. I am struggling with my business currently and very much understand how hard it is, to stay positive to be able to continue. Fortunately my health does not add to the problems so far and my parents are a great support for me, as is this blog and my RA fandom.
Your friendly and nice personality shines through your comments. Thank you for that!
best wishes for your business — my awareness of the struggles of the small businesswoman in Germany puts me in awe of your efforts!
Thank you very much!
Thank you very much for your wishes. I appreciate your comment and understanding very much. Thank you!
Just getting caught up with all the comments after two busy work days and the angst of losing Lucas. Thank you so much, CDoart, for your kind words. Being part of the fandom and “meeting” people like you is a pleasure and joy in my life.
Knowing reading my comments or my fan fic can be a pick-me-up for someone else really helps me. I do wish you all the best with your business. Stay Strong!
Thank you very much for your nice reply and supportive comment !
I would love to be in your classes. Thank you!
Unfortunately, I am struggling with my business currently and cannot participate any time soon. I would so very much like to.
Perhaps when you come to Germany…?
In the meantime your blog keeps my mind off other problems and lets me see light at the end of the tunnel.
I have to say part of why I like you guys all so much is your sympathy and encouragement. I appreciated reading that you all were thinking of me and I like that we’re all thinking of mulubinba and her daughter. Thanks for being such mensches.
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