Breaking Armitageworld news

“me + richard” to be rebooted as “me + michael”

Dateline: Reuters (U.S.)

Sources close to Servetus, the prolix blogger who writes “me + richard armitage,” report that the middle-aged female has decided to change the topic of her blog. Several Armitageworld sources have confirmed that during the next week, “me + richard armitage” will be switching template, graphics, and subject, and will be titled “me + michael fassbender.”

In the new format, the blogger will devote the first week to a series of articles on Fassbender’s acute eyebrow pathology, before she turns to counting the number of pubic hairs visible in frontal shots from his recent role in Shame (2011) and using an analysis of the patterns of hair growth on his groin as a means to discuss nutritional theories about the personality structure of exhibitionists.

In preparation for this change, the neurotic blogger has secluded herself and referred all requests for comment to her therapist,who specializes in treatment of women in obsessive relationships, and spoke on her behalf. In a prepared statement which she read at a news conference, the therapist said, “This is clearly a case of a woman loves too much. For two years, Servetus has been blogging in order to deal with her intense and unshakeable preoccupation with Richard Armitage, but she has now given up, and on the advice of world-renowned experts on celebrity worship syndrome, she will begin blogging on Michael Fassbender as a sophisticated method of aversion therapy. By forcing herself to stare at, analyze, and eventually dream about an actor who she finds highly unappealing, if not vomit-inducing, Servetus will attempt to free herself from her addiction to Richard Armitage, and return to the life she lived before as an obscure history professor with an enormous porcelain collection, two rambunctious nieces, and a huge stack of ungraded student papers on her desk.”

After reading the statement, Servetus’ therapist went on to deny rumors circulating in the Armitage blogosphere and referred to by the one bored paparazzo at the news conference. These rumors suggested that Servetus was switching allegiance from Armitage to Fassbender because the Fassbender has appeared frontally nude on the screen while Armitage has not and, with the next year or more of his schedule monopolized by a role as a hairy dwarf, does not seem like to do so any time soon. “Servetus does not now and has never wanted to see Richard Armitage’s package,” the therapist emphasized.

Armitage, contacted in New Zealand while filming on the set of The Hobbit, brushed the long hair away that had gotten caught on the tip of his pointy nose, and said, “My fans are wonderful and very supportive.” “But what is a blogger?” he asked in apparent confusion before excusing himself to do some more practicing with his battle-ax. “I’ve just got to figure out how to manage my character’s hair before this next battle,” he said, apologetically, “or I might do severe harm to myself by hitting myself in the face with my own weapon during a shot.”

Reporters waited around to try to pursue the theme, but when he exited the set, he forestalled all questions in a rush, gasping out, “I’ve been taking crucial lessons in advanced punctuation after work, and my tutor is extremely strict with me when I’m late,” as he ran to catch a cab.

Fassbender, contacted through his publicist, rejected the suggestion that anyone would ever blog about him solely because the mere sight of his eyebrows made her want to put her hand through a window, but refused to comment further. The publicist noted that tumblr was threatening to collapse under the weight of reblogged images of Fassbender in various stages of undress and scorned the possibility that an Armitage blogger could have anything of interest to add about Fassbender.

Reader reaction to the news was mixed. While some readers mourned the possibility that Servetus would stop publishing detailed diagrams in which she invariably labeled the actor’s stubble and diagnosed the health of his cuticles, her regular troll expressed a sigh of relief that Richard Armitage would no longer be harmed by the blogger’s admission of explicit and violent sexual fantasies about his characters, and that one more space where Armitage fans could write “he’s so hawt!” was finally eliminated.

***

More of today’s breaking Armitageworld news can be found at Confessions of a Watcher.

~ by Servetus on April 1, 2012.

45 Responses to “Breaking Armitageworld news”

  1. I’m thinking of jumping ship from the RA fandom too. Do you have any recommendations? Any gaps that need to be filled? I would prefer a relative unknown.

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  2. ROTFLMAO! You must consider writing fanfic.

    “Servetus does not now and has never wanted to see Richard Armitage’s package,” the therapist emphasized.
    It may not be a good idea to lie to your therapist!

    Like

  3. I look forward to read this article about counting the number of Fassy’s pubic hairs. Seems quite interesting. I hope you did a real investigative work, as always 😛

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  4. Is it 1. April over there were you live ??????

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  5. Nice try ;D

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  6. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Oh how sad is it that some part of me was secretly excited by the possibility … until wait – what day is this?? … Oh Geez… then, Bummer. 😦

    I did watch a really adorable Top Gear clip with Fassbender today … and he is just genuinely sheepish talking about being happy his mother didn’t see ‘Shame’ in Venice and also recently stalking his favorite Formula 1 driver, Michael Schumacher.

    Because I’ll NEVER be able to do this again after today, here is the clip:

    Happy April 1st!! (also, the eve of Michael Fassbender’s birthday) 😉

    1 Quarter down in 2012, 3 more to go!!

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    • “This is exactly the kind of input Servetus is going to need for her ongoing therapy plan. Thanks for helping her.”

      –Servetus’ therapist.

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  7. You guys are killing me, LOL!

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    • “I need to stress that Servetus is fully serious about this plan.”

      –Servetus’ therapist

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      • Dear Servetus’ TheRApist,

        The aversion technique is cruel and the results are questionable. Besides, we all need OUR fix. What are the rest of us supposed to do now? Think of the fandom!

        jazzbaby1

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  8. “My client still has no recollection of ever having met you. Please desist with the letters requesting your share of her lottery winnings.”

    -Judiang’s lawyer

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  9. 1. Very funny.
    2. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

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  10. Here I was thinking 1st April would pass by without a good laugh over something clever and funny. This is fabulous, servetus! And the comments aren’t half bad either LOL!

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  11. We can both take turns vomiting! If you have longer hair, I’ll hold yours for you!

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  12. MWAHAHAHA!!!

    This is brilliant. You know, for a moment, you had me 😀

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  13. LOL! Iknew it! I’ve waited for that nearly two years! 😉
    BTW, as to Mr.A package…speak for yourself Dear Professor!:)

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  14. …and before I forget, we better don’t think about the long-haired fella getting himself hurt with his own ax due to not managing his fuzzy hair on his head……. OMG…

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  15. WHAT?? It took TWO Guys to replace RA in Strike Back and RH. One was a full package Fastbender? The other was a Twig? Pass me the fish’n’chips, please.

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  16. Hitting oneself in the face with battle-axe is one way to get a nose-job…

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    • Owie! This sounds bloody… You can’t mean that he is still thinking about a nose-job?? Maybe now, being completely dashed by getting so rudely ignored by a certain blogger…down the road…

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  17. Heaven forbid he’s even thinking about it! 😀 Don’t DO IT!!! (Keep the beard/stubble, too…

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  18. Ah yes, 1 April is not just the beginning of Semana Santa. Such a jest, Servetus…

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    • Egads, Holy Week!! I completely forgot!! Except for the Bank Holidays of Good Friday and Easter Monday, that is. My life revolves entirely around work and Bank Holidays here! 😉

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  19. Hi Serv,
    Brilliant! Though we will miss you in RA World, I’m sure that the MF camp will be delighted for you to turn your keen analytical insights toward him. Because if only half of MF’s face is appealing–or not unappealing (I know, a double negative)–to appear on your blog sidebar, then he needs help getting his whole face into the pubic, I mean the public eye. Ha!
    Cheers! Grati ;->
    P.S. Oh and Serv, just for you:
    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  20. It took me a while too. It made me hoot with laughter, thank you for cheering me up today. Not been feeling well but still having to do loads of jobs in the garden, so this made me snort rather a lot.

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  21. […] of Servetus’ earlier blog, “me + richard armitage,” had suppressed mild yawns at the announcement that the blogger was undertaking an aversion therapy focused on Michael Fassbender in order to deal […]

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  22. Perfect timing, I’ll have the opportunity to pray this Holy Week without thinking about Richard’ supraorbital ridge 😉
    Good luck with your therapy… hmmmmm… not really….

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  23. You really had me going! For quite some time, actually, lol…Phew, as much as I like Fassy, RA is still tops in my book 🙂

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  24. […] related news, Michael Fassbender felt neglected and Servetus is still […]

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  25. […] Source material. Too improbable to be believed? Last year on April Fool’s Day, I predicted Richard Armitage would start a social media platform. Cough. Here are the jokes from 2013 and 2012. […]

    Like

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