Breaking Armitageworld news

“me + richard” to be rebooted as “me + michael”

Dateline: Reuters (U.S.)

Sources close to Servetus, the prolix blogger who writes “me + richard armitage,” report that the middle-aged female has decided to change the topic of her blog. Several Armitageworld sources have confirmed that during the next week, “me + richard armitage” will be switching template, graphics, and subject, and will be titled “me + michael fassbender.”

In the new format, the blogger will devote the first week to a series of articles on Fassbender’s acute eyebrow pathology, before she turns to counting the number of pubic hairs visible in frontal shots from his recent role in Shame (2011) and using an analysis of the patterns of hair growth on his groin as a means to discuss nutritional theories about the personality structure of exhibitionists.

In preparation for this change, the neurotic blogger has secluded herself and referred all requests for comment to her therapist,who specializes in treatment of women in obsessive relationships, and spoke on her behalf. In a prepared statement which she read at a news conference, the therapist said, “This is clearly a case of a woman loves too much. For two years, Servetus has been blogging in order to deal with her intense and unshakeable preoccupation with Richard Armitage, but she has now given up, and on the advice of world-renowned experts on celebrity worship syndrome, she will begin blogging on Michael Fassbender as a sophisticated method of aversion therapy. By forcing herself to stare at, analyze, and eventually dream about an actor who she finds highly unappealing, if not vomit-inducing, Servetus will attempt to free herself from her addiction to Richard Armitage, and return to the life she lived before as an obscure history professor with an enormous porcelain collection, two rambunctious nieces, and a huge stack of ungraded student papers on her desk.”

After reading the statement, Servetus’ therapist went on to deny rumors circulating in the Armitage blogosphere and referred to by the one bored paparazzo at the news conference. These rumors suggested that Servetus was switching allegiance from Armitage to Fassbender because the Fassbender has appeared frontally nude on the screen while Armitage has not and, with the next year or more of his schedule monopolized by a role as a hairy dwarf, does not seem like to do so any time soon. “Servetus does not now and has never wanted to see Richard Armitage’s package,” the therapist emphasized.

Armitage, contacted in New Zealand while filming on the set of The Hobbit, brushed the long hair away that had gotten caught on the tip of his pointy nose, and said, “My fans are wonderful and very supportive.” “But what is a blogger?” he asked in apparent confusion before excusing himself to do some more practicing with his battle-ax. “I’ve just got to figure out how to manage my character’s hair before this next battle,” he said, apologetically, “or I might do severe harm to myself by hitting myself in the face with my own weapon during a shot.”

Reporters waited around to try to pursue the theme, but when he exited the set, he forestalled all questions in a rush, gasping out, “I’ve been taking crucial lessons in advanced punctuation after work, and my tutor is extremely strict with me when I’m late,” as he ran to catch a cab.

Fassbender, contacted through his publicist, rejected the suggestion that anyone would ever blog about him solely because the mere sight of his eyebrows made her want to put her hand through a window, but refused to comment further. The publicist noted that tumblr was threatening to collapse under the weight of reblogged images of Fassbender in various stages of undress and scorned the possibility that an Armitage blogger could have anything of interest to add about Fassbender.

Reader reaction to the news was mixed. While some readers mourned the possibility that Servetus would stop publishing detailed diagrams in which she invariably labeled the actor’s stubble and diagnosed the health of his cuticles, her regular troll expressed a sigh of relief that Richard Armitage would no longer be harmed by the blogger’s admission of explicit and violent sexual fantasies about his characters, and that one more space where Armitage fans could write “he’s so hawt!” was finally eliminated.

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More of today’s breaking Armitageworld news can be found at Confessions of a Watcher.

~ by Servetus on April 1, 2012.