On fantasizing about sexual encounters with Richard Armitage: or, policy statement re: future NC-17 posts

I’ve been struggling a bit recently regarding my focus on honest introspection and the direction of the blog. For a long time there’s been stuff on my mind I wanted to write about but didn’t feel comfortable with expressing for various reasons. Recently that stuff has taken up even more of my emotional attention, and not writing about it felt like lying. I don’t feel any of it is unethical or harmful to think or write down or even share, but like some of the things that I wrote earlier, parts of it will be potentially offensive as it crosses informal lines that are important to some fans. At the same time if the blog is to be of use to me personally, I have to continue to try to be honest about what’s going on in my thoughts. Learning to take my fantasy life seriously means not editing out the fantasies that are “unacceptable.”

One of these themes is the extent to which I fantasize about Richard Armitage vs. John Porter or Lucas North or whoever. I’ve been writing so-called “waking fantasies” for a year now, and these always involve characters he’s played. These are real fantasies I had and continue to have, and I will continue to write them down periodically, as they remain of great importance to me, but they don’t make up my whole Armitage-related fantasy life. I’ve been asked repeatedly about fantasies regarding Richard Armitage the person in comments and have always avoided the question or given the reply that “it’s complex.” I didn’t want to deal with this discussion. The answer is complex, and I don’t know that I want to theorize about it at the moment, but I’ve decided to stop lying via making the implication that I rarely or never fantasize about having a sexual encounter with Richard Armitage the person, or at least my fantasy of Richard Armitage the person. Very early on, I presented arguments that it was impossible for fans to know who Richard Armitage is based on the information they have access to. I also fully acknowledge that what I think about Armitage is a fantasy that is shakily grounded on a bunch of newspaper reports, a flood of pictures, hundreds of hours of watching his work, and various other miscellaneous information, so I am not writing about the real Armitage in these pieces. I know this. They are fantasies of self.

Even though I don’t think I’m fantasizing about Richard Armitage the actual person when I write these down — or at least it’s not that simple –, relating these fantasies to an audience crosses a lot of lines, especially because I refuse to say these pieces are fanfic. They are not fanfic and I am not going to pretend that I am (say) Danni Prendiville and Richard Armitage is John Porter just in order to publish them, because that negates the point of the introspection. These texts are probably realfic or close to it, though I don’t think I’m writing about the “real” Richard Armitage, and there are acknowledged difficulties with that genre. Some readers don’t like it or find it unethical. Readers often have a hard time understanding sex as metaphor and may make false assumptions about me based on this writing or decide that they dislike someone they thought they knew. Some people don’t like explicit erotic writing of any kind; some people don’t like the particular kinks that turn me on. One might object that this kind of writing involves an impermissible objectification or instrumentalization of Richard Armitage that amounts to a betrayal of what I say is my respect for him.

I take all of these objections seriously, but after some severe internal struggle, I’ve decided that I’m going to include these fantasies in my blog from time to time. They chart my emotional life, and writing them down is getting to be important for helping me to be creative in other spheres. In particular, lately I’ve struggled to write conventional posts when a fantasy was on my mind, and what I want more than anything to do is to keep on writing and experience the joy that comes with flow, which impinges positively on other portions of my life. And I do continue to believe that writing about my fantasies is an important way of exploring why it is that Richard Armitage in particular ended up being the focus of this fascination.

So. If you would like to discuss this particular question — whether it is okay for me (or anyone) to write about my fantasies about sex with Richard Armitage, or the ethical or aesthetic objections one might have to doing so — this post is the place for that. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this and the likelihood that I’m going to change my mind in the short term is low, but I am interested in reading your comments and perspectives on the general issue — HERE. This post is the place to argue with each other and with me about the ethics of fandom, the issues involved in writing about an actor you’ve never met as opposed to his characters, the moral boundaries of introspection, and so on. I welcome that (with the usual prohibition on ad hominem remarks to me or other commentators).

The fantasies themselves will be password protected with the password “NC17” listed in the subject line. All of those posts will involve sexual encounters of various kinds between Servetus and her fantasy Richard Armitage, and while some of them may be vanilla, they won’t all be romantic or loving or sweet. My sexual fantasies are pretty tame compared to some stuff I’ve read on DF, but I realize that both the fantasies and the fact that they are said to involve real persons may trouble some readers. If I include something likely to be particularly disturbing to readers of erotic writing, I will make a warning inside those protected posts at the beginning. But I encourage readers who enter that password to take responsibility for that decision. I am happy to hear your thoughts and reactions to those fantasies in those comment strands, no matter what they are, and if you are approved to comment on the blog so far you are warmly invited to continue — but I don’t want to read any discussion of their legitimacy or expressions of moral opprobrium inside those comment strains. You are welcome to tell me that the entire topic is disgusting —  in this comment strand. However. Any reader who attacks the practice of writing about fantasies in the strands about my fantasies, which are very personal, I warn everyone now, will be warned once and if it happens again, blocked from further comments on every part of the blog. I hope that distinction makes sense. What I am asking is this: If this particular kind of fantasy makes you uncomfortable, take responsibility for not letting yourself read it.

If you’re uncomfortable losing the Servetus that you have known up till now, please keep in mind that I am still that person, also, the woman who likes linguistic jokes and obscure poetry and charity appeals and close analytical reading and pictures of Richard Armitage’s thumbs. If you can’t live with the possibility that you’d discover something new about me that you don’t like, please, just don’t read those posts. I’m happy to continue being fan friends with you on the basis we’ve interacted on up until now. Most posts will continue in the vein of the blog up until now and I plan to continue the many (cough) unfinished series I have running.

OK. I hope I won’t lose too many of you. Here we go.

~ by Servetus on April 3, 2012.