A response of sorts: or, Servetus speaks elliptically

[Quickly, I need to say thanks for all the email. I appreciated every message I received, and will answer as time permits.]
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An old song, sung by one of my favorite German twentieth-century performers:

The same song, recorded in an English version that’s not a direct translation, by Pete Seeger:

If you’re German, that song and the first singer totally out me as a particular sort of geek, of course. Even my German ex-SO found this taste of mine highly questionable. So don’t hate me for this particular segment of my cultural taste, German friends.

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It’s tempting to just continue embedding recordings of my favorite German folk songs as recorded during the revival of the 1960s (“Wie schön blüht uns der Maien” is a serious favorite, as is “Ännchen von Tharau“), but of course there’s business on the table.

I published something on this blog (which I won’t link to, but a few posts down, passworded) that a lot of people objected to; other people understood; other people declined to read it; yet other people enjoyed it. A lot has been said in the last few days, both for or against, in encouragement and discouragement. Some of it’s been said to me directly, some of it’s been said on blogs, and some of it’s been forwarded to me in bits and pieces by third parties. I’ve been talked to and talked about in various places. Frankly, a lot of what’s been said raises issues I’ve already addressed at some point, and since I know that the people who have raised them know that I’m already aware of the issues, it indicates there’s no point in me repeating myself. What ensues is not a discussion; it’s a concerned or kind reminder to me that I am not living up to their standards or responding to their worries.

Hey: I get this. I have standards that bedevil me; I also have a lot of worries. We’re on the same page, gang! I also know people write to make themselves feel better. That’s what I am doing here! Who am I to judge if having a certain kind of conversation makes you feel better? But you know, conversations here aren’t my job. This is my (therapeutic) hobby. There was way too much drama this week; it made it feel like the last decade of work, where whatever people were arguing about lately was more important than the actual task. What I want to be doing here is writing about “me + richard armitage.” And, although I’m not writing specifically for readers or other fans, I’m sure that’s really what most people want to be reading. So my real priority today is to get back to that, because that’s what gives me joy. Not drama.

Now, last night I made a diagram and outline of all the issues to be addressed in this entire discussion. If I addressed them all the way I would in academic writing, it would probably take ten thousand words. Ten thousand words that I don’t want to write, frankly. Even distilling down to the one or two points that emerged that I found important, I don’t want to write about them today. Discussion is not just about what we say, it’s about how we say it, and it’s about holding doors open for other people. I want to avoid closing doors today insofar as I can; I want to keep the door open to everyone who would keep it open for me.

So, for all interested readers, pro or con, rather than a point by point response, here’s what I think in general terms, in six easy pieces.

I. (Push button on German or English language vid above and listen to the song in the background while you read this point.) My blogging will proceed as announced. As I have acknowledged, I made errors in the conduct of discussion about it, but I don’t apologize for what I wrote. I honestly think it’s not all that problematic in the entire scope of things that people have written either about themselves or Richard Armitage, but even it were, I need to fulfill the task of this blog. That was and continues to be my priority. More about that at the end. Meanwhile: read or don’t read or read just what you like and ignore the rest! I make no judgment on anyone based on what they read or don’t read. (Really, I have no way of noticing that someone isn’t reading.)

II. I think about ethics. I thought there were two serious ethical problems with what I was doing. I stated that I was aware of them and thought about them, though not what I thought they were, and will continue to do so. I have a brain, and think about the consequences of what I do to myself and others; I almost never do anything lightly. If the discussion had gone in a more thoughtful direction, I might have articulated myself on these themes more fully. Early on, however, I heard doors slamming all around me. And I still do. As Adin Steinsaltz says, it’s a mitzvah to be silent in a situation where you know that no one will listen. Eventually, as I continue writing, more of my thoughts may emerge.

III. You may or may not believe the assertions I make in point II. What you believe about Servetus as author or the individual who writes this blog as a person, however, is something neither Servetus nor I have control over; that result is a consequence of your interpretive filters. On this blog you read a text that I wrote, while writing as Servetus, and in the process of reading you create Servetus in your mind. I include this point only because I fear I may have turned out to be someone else than some readers were creating, as I read a sense of betrayal in some of the comments I’ve seen. As you decide who I am or am not, please remember your own role as reader in deciding who I am for you. My conscience may not be mappable onto the geography of your conscience, but that incommensurability doesn’t automatically make me culpable.

IV. In terms of the issue of whether what I wrote somehow dirties something: from the perspective of the “outside” of fandom, there are no “good” or “bad” fans. There are only crazy people. From that perspective, you and I and the authors of elevated fanfics and people posting on tumblr and people who write slashfic and make dubious claims on topix are all the same person, right along with the women who send underwear or bikini pictures with cell phone numbers. I would urge every reader to decide for herself what dirties her or doesn’t, because in the end, we are the people in whose heads we are trapped, and no one from outside will ever understand the subtleties involved in what we are doing. How could they? How could anyone else understand something this rich and wonderful without being a part of it?

V. On the group dynamics of our fandom, I thought this was really smart. It substantially influenced the tone of what I am writing now, just because it was another reminder of what the activity of blogging is about for me insofar as it involves other people, and of what’s at stake in the decision to discipline others. She “gets” the reason I’m blogging, but the really important point for me in her post is that new people to a fandom can be put off by a set of unspoken rules that constitute a particular group. I clearly transgressed an unspoken rule last week. I was aware that it was an unspoken rule for some people, although I was naive with regard to the vehemence with which people would respond to my transgression. I really did think people would just be able to say, “not for me,” and move on. That they couldn’t means that I misunderstood the rule. But I’m a broad church kind of gal, and the priority for me in any kind of group activity will always be inclusiveness. I also certainly make particular types of assumptions in my interactions with others. I, too, am just a human with her own peculiar history. And I won’t exclude the possibility that there could be something in fandom that I can’t accept. But so far the only thing I’ve found really problematic is the insistence that I should seriously consider the validity of arguments whose necessary endpoint is to forbid me from thinking, speaking, or writing.

Here’s a silly poem my mom made me learn when I was a little girl makes that point really well:

Outwitted

 Edwin Markham (1852-1940)

He drew a circle that shut me out —
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But Love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle that took him in!

So yeah. I’m here to speak for openness. Except to people whose goal is to silence me. Because if that happens I can’t draw any circles at all. Though I may be mistaken, I think we’re on similar journeys. I hope it doesn’t mean that we have to march in formation.

V.  Someone a few posts ago mentioned that I was driven. (Sloan?) Yeah. Somewhat less so than I used to be, though; or maybe it’s just in a different direction. In any case, I have a sense that the project of this blog is more important than ever, now, especially as the premiere of The Hobbit gets closer and closer. There are things I want to have said before then. So I want to remind myself of my purpose here. This is a quote about it, from my self-introduction of February 26, 2010:

Some days, lately, it’s the possibility of getting to see Mr. Armitage on screen that gets me out of bed.

I’m bothered by this at times, especially because Mr. Armitage is not real in any meaningful sense to me. I won’t ever meet him, and though he has been fairly forthcoming in interviews, one also gets the sense that a great deal is not being said, either because he is trying to preserve a private sphere in the face of millions of women who regularly express their desire to undress him, or because the people interviewing him are dolts. So as much as the actor and his work and his body delight, and as much as one extrapolates from things said or not said in the press, there is a great deal I can’t know, and I replace that lack of knowledge with projection.

The experience of watching Mr. Armitage on screen thus fuses his acting with my own projections about him and the character he is playing. And (or rather, thus), the acting he does has turned into a lens for looking at my own life.

Maybe it’s not millions of women. I laughed when I read that. Tens of thousands anyway. But what I wrote in that post is nothing different from anything I’ve been writing all along. It was a little more honest than usual. But it was totally in line with the project of the blog.

Which is what I intend to get on with now. I’m tense about leaving comments open, but given the problems I created earlier by not doing so, I will leave them open, at least for now. What I really want to do now, though, is fangirl again. Replace the drama with sheer euphoria. With as many people as still feel comfortable fangirling with me, in whatever way that expresses itself.

I hope that’s still possible!

~ by Servetus on April 12, 2012.