Suspects face arraignment in beard assault case

Richard Armitage (really!), ComicCon, San Diego, July 14, 2012. Source: RichardArmitageNet.com

***

San Diego (R[A]euters)

Four members of a tiny Californian Amish-defense sect will be arraigned in U.S. federal court on Thursday. The suspects are accused of posing as room service staff in order to stage an attack on the beard of English actor Richard Armitage, 40.

The four women, who range in age from 18 to 74, infiltrated a room service kitchen at a San Diego hotel on Saturday. They delivered his dinner order in order to gain access to his room. Once admitted, the youngest member of the group, Maya Caulfield, 22, is alleged to have thrown herself directly at Armitage in order to push him down on the hotel bed, while a second member stood ready with restraints. A third woman stood lookout. The eldest member of the group, Alona Lahan, 74, had pulled her heavy duty battery-powered electric beard clipper out of a bag before the surprised actor was able to respond.

Responding to a request for comment, Armitage’s U.S. publicist noted that his most recent film includes several scenes in which the hirsute actor fends off ogres who want to remove his beard, so the actor was able to dispatch his attackers with alacrity once he realized what was going on.

But this recognition took awhile. “When I opened the door,” the modest actor said in police reports that were leaked to the press today, “I realized they were fans and not room service staff. I have a very diverse fan base and just thought this was a harmless group of women who really liked long dresses, aprons, and white caps. I was well gobsmacked by the aprons, which had pictures of me on them, and by the assault.”

Federal charges were entered because of the likelihood that the attempt to denude Armitage’s charming chin constitutes a hate crime, prosecutors said today. In addition to the hate crimes charge, the suspects have been accused of committing fraud to obtain confidential information, fraud to obtain employment, criminal trespass, and several counts of assault with unsanitary facial hair technology.

“This crime was clearly religiously motivated,” the U.S. attorney stated. “Documents obtained from the women’s purses indicate that they began their plot when industry rumors suggested that Armitage would be cast in a found-footage tornado super-hero drama set in Lancaster County, to be called The Plain Tornado. The suspects feared that Armitage’s beard would defile the purity of the image of real Amish men’s beards, and although the women themselves are not Amish, they decided to perpetrate this attack to prevent him from taking the role.”

Industry insiders admit that a script for a film called The Plain Tornado has been circulating. In it, a young Old Order Amish man, Lucas Yoder, becomes fascinated with tornadoes after his young wife is snatched by one. True to his faith but taken prisoner by his weather obsession, Yoder begins tornado-chasing with his buggy and pair of bays, running after tornadoes and succumbing to the temptation of a gas-powered tornado radar system, which he hides from his young son in the barn. When his curious son is killed in a propane explosion, Yoder’s grief transforms him into “The Plain Tornado,” a super-hero who retains his Amish appearance, beard, and faith but rescues Amish people who are tempted by tornado-chasing technologies from their darker desires. A love interest is provided in the story by Yoder’s wife, Ellen, whom he occasionally glimpses in funnel clouds during his rescue efforts. His ongoing search to be re-united with his wife was included in the script to increase its franchise possibilities.

The women’s information was slightly dated, however. Armitage found the possibility of a franchise attractive, and he had considered taking this role, his publicist stated, especially when Cate Blanchett was in talks to play the plain woman, Ellen. But according to his publicist, the actor felt that after Spooks 9 he had strained both his artistic capacity to act nonsense roles, and the willingness of his fan base to accept improbable scripts.

Armitage was rushed by helicopter to San Diego Area Beard Emergency Care after the incident, but apart from a few pulled beard hairs, remained unharmed.

Armitage was in town to promote a recent film he spent two years working on, one that is expected to go straight to DVD. His hopes to promote the film, however, were not affected by the attack, which occurred after his appearance at a convention that hardly anyone attended. Indeed, it is not entirely clear how the women knew that Armitage was currently bearded, since hardly any press took pictures of the actor.

The women who attacked are believed to be members of a group called Amish Novel Facial Hair Fans Against Armitage (ANFHFAA). It is not known if there are any other members of the group. Interpol is investigating connections to similar radical groups across the globe.

~ by Servetus on July 18, 2012.

128 Responses to “Suspects face arraignment in beard assault case”

  1. *laughing so hard having difficulty typing this* Brilliiant!!!

    Like

    • it just occurred to me that there’s probably a different British noun for aprons. Pinafores? Anyone know?

      Thanks.

      Like

      • An apron is something we don to do messy stuff in the kitchen…I wore pinafore dresses as a child which usually required a t-shirt under them. Does that help?

        Like

        • yeah, I guess they wear pinafores then. And aprons when they are in kitchens πŸ™‚

          Like

          • I almost believed that this could have happened! Any ruse to get to the Bearded Beauty, but surely to stroke and caress the Beard, not to desecrate it!

            I loved the despcription of the script. It’s a toss up between Hollywierd and indie nonsense!

            Pinafores, to me, are old-fashioned, used by housewives in the 50’s or as school uniform. People I know call them aprons.

            Like

            • I think some of the Old Order wear a white pinafore with their dark dresses, and then put an apron over the top to keep the pinafore clean, when they are working.

              I am sure no actual Amish women have iron on pictures of Armitage on their pinafores OR their aprons. he should have thought twice before letting them into his room.

              Like

  2. As a member of the UK branch of ANFHFAA I just want to reassure the US contingent that I will get him at the M1 services at Junction 15 when he makes a loo stop before getting back to his mum’s house for a quick visit before Detroit. Obviously I will have to dress as an Amish man to infiltrate the mens’ WC, so i have cancelled my weekly waxing appointment and am confident that I will pass for an ageing Amish gentleman once I have found my husband’s black tie braces. I am slightly concerned about the size of my boobs making me just look like a bearded woman from the circus but have borrowed some industrial tape and bandages and hope to squash them in. I won’t let you down.

    Like

  3. Yer a loon…and yes, it takes one to know one!

    Like

  4. What good news that the attack did not harm RA or his beard ;o)
    And that from me, when I in general do not like beards. Should I perhaps join the ANFHFAA?

    Like

    • I think rosiepig can probably put you in touch with the continental contingent.

      Like

      • Oh yes! I’ll gladly join then continental contingent to work out a plan, if the beard should appear on the continent ;o)

        Like

        • I’d rather be a part of the Armitage Beard Conservation Commitee!

          Like

          • Hello Judit, I think that would be the result of really seeing the beard. We of the continental squad would sink down in devotion and could not harm it anyway ;o) – Or at least that’s my guess why the others so far failed πŸ˜‰

            Like

            • Oops just realized “comittee” is spelt with 2 t-s! Cdoart, you’re right, I could not harm a hair on that beaufitul head of his. RA’s is the most beautiful beard I have ever seen, maybe when he eventually shaves it off, he should auction it for charity! πŸ˜€

              Like

              • I am sure that would bring in some money for the charity πŸ˜‰ He could sell it hair by hair, then we could count them πŸ™‚ Bccmee surely would be happy to have prove and could do a picture challenge about it. I love that idea πŸ˜‰

                Like

          • ABCC, Hungarian chapter, founded. πŸ™‚

            Like

  5. Wonder if they partied like it was 1699 at the Hobbit wrap party…

    Like

  6. Has no words…..

    Like

  7. Still in hysterics! Now let me count the numbers of groups and individuals you have offended…be prepared for the “blow”back!

    Rosiepig: πŸ˜€ !!

    Like

    • yeah, people who love the Amish are an important segment of Armitage fans. I’m not worried about actual Amish, unless they are using propane powered computers.

      Like

  8. LMAO!!!! πŸ™‚

    Like

  9. As a member of the NZ branch of the ANFHFAA I write to apologise to fellow members for not only failing to remove Mr Armitage’s beard in a surprise attack but allowing him to grow it in the first place. As he was leaving NZ we did succeed in infiltrating a Maori ceremony with the intention of removing said beard by means of a piece of black thread and a piece of greenstone. However it appears that Mr Armitage has familiarised himself with Maori culture and thought that our weapon was a necklace given as a mark of respect. To our horror we understand that he may still have been wearing the hair removal device in San Diego. We can only hope that the UK division succeeds when so many others have failed.

    Like

    • you had *years*!!! *years*!!!!

      Like

    • OMG – this is GENIUS, NZFan!!! πŸ˜€

      I was absolutely wondering what was up with that string necklace, but now everything is FINALLY revealed! πŸ˜‰

      Surely, there must be an American Midwest sleeper cell of ANFHFAA that can be called into service? (not that I don’t trust you’d get him, UK Agent Rosiepig, but I fear you might be waiting for some time… and well, the Olympics are also descending to add all manner of confusion.)

      Like

    • Thank you NZfan, I was dying to know about the necklace’s origin too! You’re hilarious!

      Like

  10. Priceless! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

    Like

  11. Having tried on costume I hoped to look like this:

    http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=amish+men&hl=en&client=safari&tbo=d&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=LigHULrdDKnK0QW4vNzCDQ&ved=0CDkQ_AUoAQ&biw=768&bih=928#biv=i|120;d|DMK2vCmMdajnWM:

    Sadly I look more like this:

    http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=amish+men&hl=en&client=safari&tbo=d&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=LigHULrdDKnK0QW4vNzCDQ&ved=0CDkQ_AUoAQ&biw=768&bih=928#biv=i|140;d|PAXnMF2gYybksM

    My husband walked in whilst I was mid-Amish and we have now reinacted Fifty Shades of Amish where he has tied me to the horse drawn buggy which i have hired to complete my look which was parked outside and has spanked me with a pitchfork.

    I am hoping that I will be able to sit down soon to make the drive to the services but I will not fail in my task to rid RA of the beard

    Like

  12. Just did a Google search to see if there are any Amish in the UK and found this. It is a serious news story but I did have to check it carefully after reading your post! πŸ™‚

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2122158/Four-Amish-women-arrested-beard-cutting-attacks-charges-destroying-evidence-including-photographs-shears-prescription-drugs-added.html

    Like

  13. This is LOL on so many levels. The paragraph about the movie going to DVD had me literally doubled over in laughter. I’ve been watching Guy and Lucus today and after comparing RA in those scenes to all the reporting/pictures from this past weekend, it looks as though RA has defintely moved on. And if I remember correctly, you’ve done this before in order for all of us to move on too.
    Bravo!

    Like

  14. You know, Servetus – I DO HEAR it’s all the rage now for movies to go straight to DVD – and because of all the money saved from not having to advertise and distribute these movies in multiple cities (not to mention convincing theatre owners to invest in new technologies to play higher fps footage) studios now have plenty of money left over to throw lavish 4-day conventions in sunny cities by the Pacific Ocean for cast members; although, as you point out, no members of the press are invited or any photos taken.

    πŸ˜€

    Like

    • I think that possibility would have been attractive to Armitage, who is notorious for his dislike of red carpets. No theatres = no premieres = no red carpets.

      Like

  15. Can’t talk now we ‘re building a barn at Stone St to hide in while we wait for Mr Armitage to return.

    Like

  16. Servetus – thanks for keeping this all so much fun! πŸ˜€

    It really is a gift you share with us – the proliferation of both your thinking and your writing.

    Like

  17. I kept wondering what judiang’s involvement in all of this was….:)

    Like

  18. amazing. I read the whole thing before I realized that it was a joke.
    Really good!

    Like

  19. NZfan and Rosiepig MUST return and return to do their double act!! πŸ˜€

    Like

  20. Brilliant, Serv!
    And if I could misquote ForRAst Gumpitage: “Funny is and funny does.” And “My Momish always said, Serv’s posts are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”
    Cheers! ;->

    Like

  21. In hysterics here! Thankyou serv, rosiepig and NZfan! πŸ˜€

    Like

    • did you mess the memo, Mezz? You’re supposed to take up contact with the Australian chapter.

      Like

      • Must have! You’ll have to give me 24 hours to see if I can find them! πŸ˜‰

        Like

        • I finally flushed them out. After the NZ chapter’s failure to achieve success, and the debacle in San Diego, the Aussie branch of the ANFHFAA had gone to ground, their confidence in tatters.
          “Mr Armitage’s facial adornment seems to be much loved,” sighed their leader. “Even judiang has conceded that there is a beardy pic of which she approves.”
          It would seem they had an epiphany of sorts after looking at hours of Comic Con footage and photos of the man himself, and
          subsequently have decided to devote their time and energy to producing the following:

          Like

  22. “Momish”!! πŸ˜€ (I’ll take the whole box, thank you!)

    Like

  23. I have loved this, and I have got the ironing done!

    Can you imagine RA’s PR looking through the google hits and finding this.

    Just to let you know I have copyrighted 50 Shades of Amish, perhaps you me and NZ could write the screenplay? There would be very little nudity but we have the perfect leading man who we know suits a beard …..

    “as Julias entered the house he noticed Hannah was wearing her special apron. Goodness she knew how to excite him in those blue knitted stockings. “Meet me in the barn” he gruffly called “and bring the buggy whip” …..

    This has been typed on my iPad resting on my ironing board whilst watching I don’t know how she does it, I think this may be based on my life.

    Good night to all the wonderful ladies in my computer who brighten my life and make me snort with laughter.

    Like

  24. Absolutely terrific! So much fun. Thanks for the laughs, Servetus!

    Like

  25. …searching Amish in Canada…would Menonnite suffice?
    …Dukhabor…Methodist…Anglican…
    Missing someone to offend…:D

    Like

    • The only people who should be offended by this post are non-Amish people who love Amish culture who fear that Richard Armitage will be cast in a movie for which no script exists. A vanishingly small group, i hope πŸ™‚

      Like

  26. Just in from mowing the hay, watering the garden and feeding the cows…I am thereby highly offended.

    The Amish are closely associated to agrarian activities and being a farmer, I am highly offended.

    The horses aformentioned would most probably indicate that cows are on the premises also and being a cattlewoman, I am highly offended.

    What’s with you people? Have you no sensitivities?

    As the former president of the ANFHFAA branch of the Central Plains chapter, I would suggest that you hereby cease and disist from all of your suggestive, offensive and highly questionable activities. Not sure why, but I can suggest it anyway.

    Like

    • well, pretty much anyone who deals with cows is always offended, because cows’ feelings are so sensitive, and then it rubs off on the people around them. I mean, why don’t those cows get a grip.

      I didn’t realize there was a Great Plains chapter, but I’ll be sure to let Interpol know.

      Like

  27. The Polish branch is reporting readiness!

    Like

  28. ROFL, this is the funniest thing I have read in ages… BRAVO Servetus!!

    Like

  29. Oh Servetus, I’m so grateful for this post! Heaven knows I really, really needed a laugh this morning! THANK YOU!!! Rosiepig, NZfan: πŸ˜€

    Like

  30. Branch Canada putting out a casting call for Borat…Calling Borat – Borat? Have we got a movie script for you!

    Like

  31. Sitting in a cafe in Andalucia howling like a nut case! Thanks so much for much needed laughter. (If you can write this, you’re doing a great job of self-medicating.)

    And “50 Shades of Amish”… ROFL! It can only be an improvement…

    Like

  32. LOL!

    Like

  33. Ya’ll missed your calling…you should be writing skits for SNL.

    Like

    • Those writers are all way to cool for me. I’m just a good girl from the Midwest with a lot of pentup snark.

      Like

      • You could be the next Tina Fey. I saw her on TV doing a Nutrese hair color commercial. And I’m with you, I thought she was way to cool to do that. You never know where this blog might lead — you too could be on TV swirling your hair around in a commercial for hair coloring. Maybe RA will do a commercial for beard coloring since his is so luxurious. Nah..he’s way to cool for that.

        Like

        • my hair is just about long enough now — haven’t had time for a cut in a year. My mom was going to cancel her next haircut b/c of chemo and I said, “wait! I’ll go to it.”

          I’ll tell you what. He can do the commercial, and I’ll be the voice over. Oh, wait. He’s the one with the voice, lol.

          Like

  34. LOL!Thank you for make me laugh πŸ™‚

    Like

  35. Well, since you can not scare! I understand very little English and was completely shocked at first. I thought it was actually happening and my game, “Richard shave”
    http://tannni.ucoz.ru/10.swf
    Gave some idea of сrazy women.

    Like

    • OMG this is SO FUNNY!!!!Thanks!

      Like

    • Yeah, I saw that someone on the Russian board thought it was a real report. I can only apologize. Amish people are a sort of US cultural fascination at the moment. Thanks for relieving the shock with your game.

      Like

  36. Tanni, that is outrageously funny! (Judiang, I shaved him for you – except for a Salvador Dali moustache; can you live with that?)

    Like

  37. Tanni, you gave me some great moments,thank you!:D

    Like

  38. Attention Amish Novel Facial Hair Fans Against Armitage (ANFHFAA), about the facial hair:
    Rather than a concerted assault in faux-Amish garb, I could simply lure him to my oasis retreat and sing β€œMon coeur s’ouvre Γ‘ ta voix…” in a honeyed mezzo, seduce him (rather than the none-too-bright tenor) until he’s unconscious with a contented smile on his lips, and then gently remove the facial fur. I can guarantee no nicks, no pulling, and no irritation. Seeing as it’s him, I can throw in a hair trim, a moisturising massage, and some waxing free of charge, if you like.
    Yours for the cause,
    Dalilah
    Barber of Palestine

    Like

  39. […] “Suspects face arraignment in beard assault case,” July 18, 2012. […]

    Like

  40. […] it’s not a terrorist fan faction like the beard clippers arraigned last summer for storming Armitage’s hotel room, however, it was not immediately clear who would want to transform the actor’s adorable ears […]

    Like

  41. […] Suspects face arraignment in beard assault case (July 2012). Fans in Russia first thought it was serious and then said it was offensive / not […]

    Like

  42. Too bad this was before Dragon Age Inquisition. I’d make some joke about de-bearding Blackwall. (Google it, it’s uncanny. I may romance Blackwall next.)

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

 
%d bloggers like this: