After a bizarre 24 hours / Just want me some Armitage / honest, point blank question to self

I’m sitting virtuously at my beloved corner window table at my usual café, drinking a very intense espresso drink to keep myself alert, getting up close and personal with my students’ document collection for the semester, and what I find myself thinking is that I don’t want any more early modern battles, I just want me some Armitage.

The last twenty-four hours have been very chaotic and strange and alternately warm and cold and now I have another unexpected period of free time on my hands. Another opportunity to delay. And then there’s the amazing gift that fell into my lap for the fall. Unanticipated, like several other things that have happened since the middle of August. Questions that I now need to ask myself about the time till December. I don’t want to delay; I don’t want to waste any more time. What if I am going to die when I am seventy? Before? Every day is precious.

After the first confusion I sat down with a pen and wrote (yet another) letter to Richard Armitage that I will never send.

I thought about writing about this all as fantasy, because that’s what I retreated last night to experience. I left the café thinking I could just have another six hours of fantasy before reality had to begin again and I would cuddle up with Fantasy Armitage in my bed and my brain and keep my feet warm and I had that and something nice to eat and I fell asleep toasty and calm and felt loved and cocooned and it was wonderful. I could have made it so good for you in the fantasy, I could have spun out detail after detail, I suppose, I could have rubbed my cheek against my pillow and made rubbing my cheek against his neck real for you in me in words.

And so this is my question, this morning, when I suddenly have time to write that I wasn’t expecting and I sit down and write what burns to be written: what if I just gave up all this other crap?

Specifically, too — what if I gave up all the steps in between? If I stopped trying to connect all the fragments and just spewed them out?

And kept doing that? What if I *only* wrote what I am burning to write? Published the fragments and stopped insisting on glimpsing the whole? Gave up everything else that I’ve been hesitating about for months, years? Never wrote anything out of obligation, until December, when all the rules will change again?

I crank my current song for jamming out to when I need to feel the rhythm in my fingers that presages writing and ask again and again and again

What if?

And then I get something I’m not expecting in my email an hour or so ago and I can tell that if I go that way, at least I wouldn’t be alone. There would be people to travel with. People to lead me.

Keep writing, keep writing, keep writing.

And keep being one person. That’s the trick. All these little pieces don’t fit but I am the same person, have to be the same person. The person and all the pieces.

I think I’m just not someone who knows, or who has learned since 2008, how to be someone who just watches the sun rise and fall. Not living for something more makes me want to drink. For better or worse, I need that thing that gives me a sort of eternal limerance, that gives me a reason for rising in the morning. And I need everything to be intense. This experiment with non-intensity, it hasn’t worked so well. I wish I weren’t always fighting with my feelings of moral obligation.

This blog is a wall you’ve built against desire, someone told me this summer.

Blinding, suffocating want. Not just for Richard Armitage.

Is this the last wall?

~ by Servetus on August 27, 2012.

16 Responses to “After a bizarre 24 hours / Just want me some Armitage / honest, point blank question to self”

  1. Hi Serv,
    I’m thinking of Fraulein Maria here, “Wherever god closes a door, he opens a window.” Maybe your blog is your window.
    Love and Hugs, Grati ;->

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  2. Serv, I’m so pleased to hear that you had an unexpected gift for the fall dropped in your lap! After the summer you had, good news must be welcome.

    As far a your question goes–you started the blog for a reason and that wasn’t to secure readers or have to worry about what others were thinking of you. Ultimately, the decision needs to be about what is best for you, what will benefit you most.

    Oh, and that fantasy you briefly described sounds absolutely delicious. 🙂

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  3. “Keep writing, keep writing, keep writing.

    And keep being one person. That’s the trick. All these little pieces don’t fit but I am the same person, have to be the same person. The person and all the pieces.”

    This is the key, this and remembering that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Want and desire are part of this; the blog gives you a mirror to hold up, letting you see without compromise. Is perception a wall against being, or is it one with being?

    Somehow, I imagine all of us have times when we just “want me some Armitage.” I don’t regard that as a waste, or fantasy either. It’s just part of being alive, sometimes one of the better parts.

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  4. I thought you built this wall to use it the way Banksy would.

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    • thanks for saying that. that’s what I’m confused about at the moment. Is it the wall where I scream what I want — or the wall that holds in the scraams?

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      • Can’t it be both?

        It is the wall that gives you the freedom to scream what’s inside, I thought? I didn’t think you had a connected mechanism to scream before and used to shutdown and became numb because you didn’t have this safe space?

        Even if it holds the scream within the forum of this space, it should be allowing you to face the symbolic challenge, no? As it’s not what’s outside necessarily but what’s inside that needs facing and challenging?

        I’ll admit, this post is cryptic enough to stump me, too. 😉

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  5. The Wall has a cryptic meaning for you? It remains to be unravelled in the manner of the oracles and other subconscious/part conscious applications of how it applies to your life journey. Unravelled in your way, in your time. It’s journey, to be interpreted and applied in the way most applicable to the individual. Past year (2) seem to have been very much that, and shared with others. No useful answers/interpretations here. Just keep on keeping on and share as wished.

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  6. Such a beautifully painted walls will collapse?…what a pity!
    PS: I do hope that you don’t mind those scribblings on your wall,I could not resist.;)

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  7. I know this is cryptic and I want to apologize — I was really discombobulated yesterday about everything, it seems. In any case I’m not stopping this blog until at least Nov. 28. After that we’ll see.

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  8. Did I miss something? 28th of November? Is this the date of the Hobbit premiere in NZ? Did you mentioned someday, to finalise writing at exact that date?? Sorry for asking such a presumably stupid question! It’s only me… Gahhhh…
    Servetus you certainly know the German saying: Ich verstehe nur Bahnhof! 😉

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    • I don’t think I ever stated it officially although I’ve referred to it from time to time. It’s a possible endpoint for this blog that I’ve had in mind for about two years. I stress, it’s a possible one. Please don’t get worried.

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  9. “What if …?”
    My own personal belief is that the only ‘what if’ question one should ask oneself is, “What (happens) if I *don’t* do this?” If there is a rational, well-being based answer, don’t do whatever ‘this’ is.

    “What happens if I don’t cross the street with the light?”
    “What happens if I don’t pay the electric bill?”
    “What happens if I don’t write only what I’m burning to write?”
    “What happens if I don’t go that way, travel with those people, let them lead me?”

    If the answer is along the lines of “I’m going to kick myself for the rest of my life,” then I think you know what to do. (She says wisely in hindsight, still kicking herself for a few things she *should* have done, but didn’t.)

    Whatever you decide, know we’ve got your back.

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  10. I could be selfish and say never stop building the wall – but I can see why somebody might think the blog is a wall you’ve built to keep you from your desires. While Armitage World is a nice cozy place to be, it can be all consuming and possibly drown out other possibilities. Is it a wall built to hold back desire or a wall built to channel desire along a productive path?

    As for the writing, you’re the writer – write what you want to write. Isn’t that the essence of art – being true to your artistic desires?

    And I feel your pain when it comes to the feelings of moral obligation – moral obligation has been a chain around my neck all my life…but somebody’s got to do it or where would we be as a society. (weighty feelings of moral obligation – children of alcoholics symptom?)

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  11. I want to thank you all for the comments on this post. In the end i wasn’t really sure what I was thinking when I wrote it, and I mostly want to say that I so appreciate the support.

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  12. […] I don’t know if I’m going to be able to make this blog bear all the writing about all of that, or even if it’s necessary to do so. Or if I need to finish writing about Richard Armitage the person, now that I have an explanation for Armitagemania that makes sense to me, or whether I can let it go. I’ve said recently that I wonder what exactly this blog is doing for me. […]

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  13. […] going to be as well-organized as I’d like, but it’s time to starting making good on my insight about writing from the Fall if I want to get somewhere on my goals for the […]

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