Your albatross / shoot it down

Bastille, “Weight of Living, Part 1,” from Bad Blood (2013).

***

Metaphorically, my mother and my last therapist would agree:

The person I really am at the core is a very small girl, her physical size counterposed by her constant, rage-filled quaking and screaming “no!”

My mother — depending on her mood — would term this either sinful behavior on my part or a failure of parenting on hers.

The therapist would have said, “You were very, angry from a young age and that little girl is still angry.”

Fazit: At some point she started determining every creative decision I made, and then she became even angrier and stopped me completely in my tracks.

Supposedly the reason I stopped writing. Stopped functioning.

I thought I needed to get her on side.

vlcsnap-2013-06-05-19h17m54s45Dean O’Gorman as Mark in When Love Comes. My cap.

But lately I think what Mark said of himself in When Love Comes. There isn’t much in me. The little girl makes a loud, screaming fuss to distract from the fact that there’s nothing there. All I’ve got is my stupid songs. I can’t be what anyone needs me to be, I can’t even be what I need me to be.

I just want not this, I just want not the last seven years, I just want the girl not to be angry, I just want not to be so corroded, not to be addicted to sadness, not to be so g-ddamned paralyzed. I want not to be a historian, not to have to document every second of the struggle, every single fucking time, not to fight through nasty maze of debris from the past every single time I sit down to write. Not to be so angry that I can’t let go of it because I can’t even look at it.

***

Or, to say it in Armitage-role-speak, every time I try to ward it off by setting it on fire.

vlcsnap-2013-06-06-17h42m59s175vlcsnap-2013-06-06-17h44m58s47Young Guy of Gisborne (Tommy Bastow) inadvertently sets his house on fire when Robin’s father comes looking for his mother, in Robin Hood 3.10. My cap.

Every time it survives and comes back.

vlcsnap-2013-06-06-17h37m35s11vlcsnap-2013-06-06-17h37m43s95vlcsnap-2013-06-06-17h37m59s0vlcsnap-2013-06-06-17h38m28s23Guy of Gisborne (Richard Armitage) threatens Marian (Lucy Griffiths) before setting her house on fire in Robin Hood 2.1. My caps.

And every time I’m so unreasonably angry. Why won’t the past stay pulverized, why won’t it lie in ashes?

vlcsnap-2013-06-06-17h40m11s61vlcsnap-2013-06-06-17h40m46s159vlcsnap-2013-06-06-17h40m22s150Guy of Gisborne (Richard Armitage) beats up Robin Hood over something that happened in their mutual childhood, in Robin Hood 3.10. My caps.

~ by Servetus on June 7, 2013.

15 Responses to “Your albatross / shoot it down”

  1. *hugs*

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  2. Hugs. I can perfectly understand you. I feel very much the same, only more depressed, immobilized than angry.

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  3. I can relate very much… *hugs*

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  4. Sending you lots of hugs, I can relate as well, not depressed just really down, struggling to lift myself at the moment. Hugs to all xx

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  5. Yes, I can relate. The trouble is that there is a something, a “there” inside you, that is doing the screaming and the flailing. That does not come from zero, because it can’t. The core has every reason to be angry and sad, and it’s like coming to a place and knowing it again for the first time (to paraphrase T.S. Eliot). Eventually (and sooner than you may expect) the past will stay ashes, just stirring slightly in the breeze of memory. Bitter, yes, but no longer burning, consuming, denying you peace. I know you weary of the struggle, but get out the metaphorical double-barreled 12-gauge and kill the stupid bird again.

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  6. (((Servetus))):*
    I’ve learned in a very young age that my needs and dreams are not important,that they are ridiculous and dangerous…I can not even be angry…I forgive too easily..maybe it’s because I’m a parent now or maybe it’s my bland nature.

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  7. there’s so much inside you. i knew that anger all my life. and i guess my fears are linked right to that anger. looking for ways to get over it. probably only through action. paralysis by analysis. maybe that doesn’t help right now….

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  8. Yes. I know about the little girl inside me too. My little girl is afraid, though, not angry. Did you ever have a talk with your little girl? I did and I found out some interesting things about what she was afraid of. It may sound silly, but it actually helped me to hear it and see that what the little girl was afraid of no longer is a concern to grown up me. Yet grown up me was hanging on to that fear! Once I realized that the fear dissipated. I was able to comfort the little girl and tell her it is okay now. Maybe the fear is not completely gone, but it no longer is in control. I did this by writing the dialogue, not talking to myself, btw. 🙂 {{{Hugs}}}

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  9. (((Hugs)))

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  10. Joining in the hug-fest here…you’re not alone in these feelings.

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  11. This is one of those posts where I don’t really know what to say except that I’m around if you need me…

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  12. Fear can be so paralyzing. You are in my thoughts. (((HUGS)))

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  13. Thanks for all these kind comments — and my warmest hugs back to everyone and to those who are suffering at the moment. It may not go away but we will get through this.

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  14. *hugs*

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  15. Thanks 🙂

    Like

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