Be who I need you to be, Richard Armitage

[I’m pointing my fingers, inter alia, at myself, here.]

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• live in London • live in New York • spend more time in Los Angeles • don’t move to LA • do Richard III • do A Discovery of Witches • do Poldark • do Potato Peel • don’t do any project a fan group supports • get a franchise • stay away from franchises • do an audio book • stop doing commercials • do a play • do nothing • take any job you can • work harder • wait for better roles • don’t work so much • keep your agent • find new management • be more serious • don’t be so serious • smile more • smile less, your smile is goofy • go ahead and be silly • don’t let your silly streak show • tell us the truth • we know you need to lie to us • love cats • love dogs • hate cats • hate dogs • love cats and dogs • develop an interest in goldfish • keep your distance from housepets entirely • get a houseplant • but don’t neglect it • love men • love women • love men and women • love Lee Pace • love Annabel Capper • love ME! • don’t love a fan • love no one • get married • stay single • have kids • don’t have kids • have kids but don’t admit you have them • talk about your nephew • don’t ever speak about your family • love your mother • don’t have your mum escort you to movie premieres • tell us who you love • don’t tell us who you love • enjoy yourself • but not too much • dress better • don’t dress so stylishly • dress yourself • get a stylist • get rid of the stylist • wear button-fly jeans • wear skinny jeans • wear bell-bottom jeans • please, take off your jeans! • be sexy • don’t take roles that rely on your sex appeal • show more skin • don’t cheapen yourself by taking off your shirt on screen • don’t smoke • go ahead and smoke • relax with a glass of wine • don’t drink so much • don’t tell us you don’t drink beer and then that you do • we don’t believe anything you say anymore • but write us more messages • we believe everything you say — literally • be expressive in bed • be guarded in bed • be a graceful sexual partner • be a clumsy sexual partner • be a generous lover • be a greedy lover • be macho • be sweet • be a top • be a bottom • but whatever you do, be able to come three times in a night • bring flowers and candy • don’t give in to pressure to engage in stereotypical consumer expressions of affection • be someone who gets along with everyone • be a rebel • be quirky • don’t be too strange • wear a beard • stick with stubble • shave closer and more frequently • cut your hair • don’t cut your hair • love the nape curls • hair waves make you look feminine • Botox • don’t Botox • maintain a level of grooming and appearance suitable for Hollywood • don’t sell out to the Hollywood appearance and fitness ideal • eat a healthy diet • eat what you like • eat fewer carbs and that cushion under your chin will go away • let us see how mature you are • keep your appearance young • look masterful on the red carpet • don’t lose that boyish vibe from 2004 that we love so much • get a pied-à-terre in Manhattan appropriate to your status in the industry • don’t let anyone know where you live • have an open plan kitchen and lots of stainless steel appliances and hardwood floors • no, tile floors • drive whatever car you like, you can afford it now • don’t drive a BMW, that’s a new money car • go out with your friends in places we can see pictures of you • go out with your friends but hide when you do it • dance the Argentine tango • dance to house music • dance to Depeche Mode • dance to Nine Inch Nails • dance to David Guetta • get some new tunes • lose yourself in the euphoria • but don’t make out with anyone in the alley behind the club, you never know where people have their camera phones • maintain your privacy • tell us more about yourself • be friendly to fans you meet and take a picture if they want • don’t take candid photos with fans, it gives them ideas • be openly grateful for fan attention • stop caring about what fans think • take the Hobbit fanboys’ worries seriously • don’t pander to the Hobbit fandom • be interested in politics • be so focused on your work that you don’t have time to be interested in politics • vote Labour • vote Tory • don’t vote • be Christian • be Buddhist • be Christian Scientist • too bad you’re not Jewish • be the greatest actor of your generation • be a good enough actor • show more of your eyes • don’t overdo it with the eyes • your expressions and gestures are histrionic • your acting is wooden and needs to be more emotional • get into directing • do high culture pieces • do series television • swallow your final consonants like an American • pronounce them like a Brit • speak RP • speak like where you came from •  don’t do the alveolar flap • flap your alveola • speak in my accent • but don’t get it wrong • take projects that will make you financially secure • take more artistic risks • be erudite • don’t let your intelligence hang out • wish you had more formal education • love that you don’t have a university degree • be middle class • be bohemian • be upper class • don’t get above yourself • do fashion photography shoots to accompany your interviews • don’t be a hipster • support charities • but not ones I don’t like • be emotional • be stoic • don’t be complacent • but be happy • be satisfied with what you’ve got • but strive for more • be ambitious for yourself • be modest • be proud of your work • don’t be egotistical • don’t show us any dissatisfaction • keep smiling • keep swimming, keep swimming, keep swimming • relax • never forget to be unfailingly polite at all times • and always, at all times, be just what I need you to be •

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Like every other fan, I have my preferences, some of which I included in the catalog above. If you’ve read this blog for very long, you know what some of them are.

Probably the most decisive of my own preferences is that I badly need Richard Armitage to be happy.

Not that he’s paying any attention to what I want, but I don’t want to put any pressure on him to feel a certain way. Feelings are feelings. He has the right to his (even when they are unpleasant), which means I have the right to mine (even when mine are unpleasant). This message is one I need to communicate to myself, via the fandom fantasy of self.

The other thing I need — even if it’s not always something I want — let’s call this an uncomfortable fantasy of self, or maybe an unrealized one — is that I need him to keep working and working. I need to keep on seeing how he puts his characters together, and how he puts together the character that is Richard Armitage — so I can keep on seeing how to put myself together.

~ by Servetus on October 6, 2013.