Thinking about 2014, meandering

First, a happy new year to any and all who read this post!

Have you check out RichardArmitageNet.com’s 2014 Richard Armitage calendar? Mmmmm. June.

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Or this:

tumblr_myn2vya2351ssq8dpo1_1280Source: Keep calm and think of British guys

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I have to drive away from Wisconsin on New Years’ Day and back to the city where I live and work. The weather is making me not sad to leave. Whew.

We got all of the bedrooms on the main floor of the house unclogged. So the nieces can stay overnight, which will be good for everyone. Mom’s personal effects and clothes and books are gone, plus her games and big collections of her craft stuff. A few things are stored as mementos. My dad’s clothes are sorted through and a big bale of wornout jeans and flannel shirts taken to the rugmaker. A part of mom’s estate and some of her bequests are executed. I showed my dad how to use his new cell phone and reminded him of how to use the dishwasher. We still need to unclog the kitchen, basement (and as my dad informs me, the attic). But it will wait till May. We didn’t get a new computer bought for my dad, either.

I had to spend some time Richarding and writing and drinking and conversing with Obscura, after all. Resting for the semester.

So that continued cleanup will be part of 2014.

The term starts on Monday. I have really high enrollments in two classes and got a second graduate assistant.

On the work front, it now looks definite that I won’t return to my current job for the subsequent academic year. Amusingly, to coincide with that likelihood, this was my horoscope last week:

Screen shot 2013-12-26 at 10.13.33 AM

That scared me a little, in that while I’ve been planning to go for so long, I don’t have a plan about where. And then I thought, actually the goal is clear, you’re just so used to thinking of your dream job in terms of work. Your dream is to write. The job is the side issue. Bing bing bing! Somehow that made a lot of what has to happen next easier. I’d been thinking there were things I couldn’t apply to do if I wasn’t fully committed to them. I thought I had to have a plan and then execute it but I couldn’t find a plan I loved. Now, I realize, I know what work I’m fully committed to. And I can apply to do anything else, really. The job is immaterial and if I don’t like the next one, I never have to feel about it the way I felt about this profession — so regularly guilty, guilty, guilty. Or if I enjoy the work I can pour myself into it. But I don’t have to decide ahead of time, and I don’t have to put myself into a position where I wasn’t doing anything well enough for anyone. I can just pick something else. Perhaps I’m being too optimistic but I feel like I am strong enough to stand up to what’s coming up next, whatever that is.

This was my horoscope this week, which sort of confirmed that:

Screen shot 2013-12-31 at 12.09.19 PM

It’s going to be okay, whatever odd possibilities present themselves — even if I am really not used to thinking of fate as generous.

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I will have to stretch myself but I am enough. I HAVE ALL THE PIECES.

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I had lost track of this quotation but I just found it again and realized that I hadn’t forgotten it, that it’s been influencing my thinking all fall:

Screen shot 2013-12-31 at 8.22.21 PM

In 2013 I got to a point where I had to say “no” and though getting up the guts to do it was heard, in the end that wasn’t such a terrible thing. There have been benefits. Green shoots come back from pruned roots.

I’ve had it backwards for so long — I don’t need the barriers to be open to everyone else but to myself. The barriers I have to clear are inside me; the boundaries I have to set protect the space to keep those barriers down.

I have to focus on the core purpose. Resurrect the detail, excavate, bathe in the feeling. Dig in. So that I can speak!

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I’m not making any resolutions, because I never do.

That said, the theme of 2012 was resurrecting my understanding of love.

ns2-160

In 2013, the theme very quickly became “no more fear.”

vlcsnap-2013-12-31-20h52m41s153

As soon as that materialized, of course, I was slammed by the two things designed to make me most afraid — the job interview situation that dragged on for months, and mom’s illness and death.

Those things were both very fearful but in the end (with a lot of help from my friends) I’ve survived them. I don’t know if that’s because I’ve truly grown, or just because they were both so exhausting that I have no more nerves left for fear.

I’m suspecting, based on the things I have been observing lately, that the theme for 2014 is going to be “no more shame, no more guilt.”

We’ll see.

Happy 2014. May be it — enlightening.

~ by Servetus on January 1, 2014.

37 Responses to “Thinking about 2014, meandering”

  1. I’m actually attempting some resolutions this year–we’ll see how that goes. 🙂
    Wishing you all the best, and safe travels home.

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  2. Have a safe journey and take care!!!

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  3. All the best for 2014!

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  4. Have a gReAt year ahead! 😀

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  5. I just have to write it here, Servetus.
    Szerokiej Drogi !

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  6. Sounds like a great theme for growing again this year.
    I think you’re really on to something by keeping your focus on your motive (the intangible) and letting the chips fall where they may.
    Trying to order the external outcome of everything by ourselves is exhausting!
    Happy New Year 🙂

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    • I think with goals you sort of set yourself up for failure on some level, or I do, because my goals are so unrealistic. Happy new Year to you, too, and here’s to realizing we don’t control everything 🙂

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  7. Happy New Year to you all. Yes I downloaded and printed the calendar last night (mmm yummy) how sad am I lol.

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  8. “I will have to stretch myself but I am enough.” THAT really resonated with me. Feels like we’re all forging ahead and reaching for the things we want, whatever they may be. Wishing you all the best for 2014, Serv & thanks for sharing your writing!

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    • I had been thinking for a long time that I was inadequate, and I’d been working hard to cover that and burnt myself out — but I am not inadequate.

      here’s to a really productive, changefilled year! Thanks for reading and commenting, MJZZ.

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  9. Hi Servetus,
    Beautiful post. Hugs again to you about losing your Mom this year. It’s rough. And kudos to you for your amazing efforts in keeping things going and organized for your Dad and family! The computer can be on the next to do list–or give that one to your brother. Snap!

    It sounds like you’ve turned a corner on deciding where you generally want to be after this term. You’re charting–or writing in your case–your own course. Brava! You get to decide. I wish you every good luck in finding that happy balance of job that pays the bills and fulfillment with your writing and such. I’m still working on finding that balance, myself. Ha!

    Happy New Year 2014! Love & Hugs! Grati ;->

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  10. Very best wishes to you and all the RA community!

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  11. Dear Servetus,
    First, a thank you: for all you have done and said. It is rare and precious to find anything well made in our time, create with care, love and craftmanship, but even more (only my own opinion) when ideas and words the currency. That was, in large part why I became your fan. There’s reams of stuff out there, but so little that is not only worth reading but a true pleasure to read. You were gracious and honest enough to credit others for their work and you consistently mention others who you consider to have the same standards. And a sense of humor! No, you are not getting nominated for an award (that I know of) [sorry] nor am I about to deliver bad news (if you’re like me, you’ve been waiting for THAT shoe to drop), so you can breathe now. I just wanted to take a moment to let you know that what the writing you do has been an unexpected but priceless gift this year.
    The turning of the year, with my own cleaning & tidying brought an old book out of a long forgotten box and I thought of you when I ran across these quotes (some are still sticky-noted to my mirror, which tells you how behind my cleaning up is!)
    • scribere est agere: to write is to act
    • satis superque: enough and some to spare
    • fluctuat necmergitur: she is tossed by the waves but she does not sink,[think of a ship]
    and one last one,
    • post tenebras lux: after darkness, light

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  12. Happy NYE! I love this post. I am so happy for you… To hear you say out loud … “The dream is to write.” Bravo girl !!! I am here to support you in this dream.

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  13. Happy New Year! The beginning of the new is a time to take stock of the past year but also looking forward to the next one. I don’t make resolutions, there only meant to be broken and fast in my world. But I do make goals and at anytime of the year, I seem to work better at them and want to fullfill them. Like last June I decided that I would change my eating habits for heath reasons slowly at first and find that I have done so much better at it than ever before, I will start a new chapter there too, soon. One of the reasons I have not been around as much as I was before is that I made to time to exercise. That is right after work, where before I would get on the computer, no time now. I feel better and look better, I also enjoy that time.

    Here is to another year of your writing and finding yourself. At the same time helping other people find themselves.

    Have a safe trip back to the city where you live. I don’t blame you for wanting to leave the snow and cold of Wisconsin.

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    • I hope you have a really productive year with school, exercise, work and everything else, katie70. And here’s hoping for a bit of a warmup!

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  14. Yes, yes, yes! I am so absolutely delighted for you that you’ve found your way to this place, and that you’re allowing yourself to make it your own. Happy, happy journeying! Imagine, a year from now, where and who you will be… I can’t stop smiling for you. God bless.

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    • Thanks a lot, RichKitsch — for the smiles and everything else. I wish you a delightful year in your beach house and whatever else you are hoping for!

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  15. Happy New Year Servetus. May it bring you joy xx

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  16. Good for you! And Brezsny…he scares me, lol!

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    • he was frightening last week, reassuring this week. What’s odd about it is that I don’t go looking for him. He pops up into my field of view. It’s very strange.

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  17. […] No more fear, no more guilt, no more shame! Hear, Hear! […]

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  18. […] Theme of the year was no more shame, no more guilt. The shadow doesn’t win this year. Someone I know said creativity comes from openheartedness. I’m sick of silence. […]

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  19. […] energy from the whole thing. Instead, you shame yourself. So goal realization 3 of fandom — no more shame — fandom is the place to work this out because there is so much shame, anger, rage, here. And […]

    Like

  20. […] doesn’t really seem to cut it; maybe I am just not that woman. But referencing this: 2013 was about “no fear,” and two big fear inducers materialized; 2014 was about […]

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