Are you too weird for words?

A follow up to “Be who I need you to be, Richard Armitage“

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have you ever done something silly • did you do it by accident • on purpose • because someone gave you an award • because someone urged you to • because you wanted to send a message • because a marketer told you to • because you wanted to be nice • because you have always been grateful and wanted to respond in kind • because it looked like fun • because you just couldn’t take yourself too seriously • because you’ve got a silly streak and you wanted out of the box for an hour • because you know that jokes made with literalist statements that can’t possibly be understood literally and sarcastic remarks with a straight face or a big grin are achingly funny precisely because of all the people who won’t get them • because silliness creates this sense of clandestine shared community for everyone who giggles • because you couldn’t get over the irony • did it just happen • did it feel good • was it too much • was it fun • was it exhilarating • were you sorry • were you unrepentant • did you worry you’d get a reputation • have you ever wished you’d said less • have you ever wished you’d said more • have you ever put on an act and wished you’d been genuine • have you ever been genuine and wished you’d hidden yourself • is what you do real • or is it just another performance • is it you • or is it a pitch • or even just something people want to see • a response to the desire of another that you understand and want to fulfill • is being what people want you to be part of your personality • is it a combination • do you know anymore • did you ever know • where’s the line when a big part of what you have to sell is yourself and everyone watching you thinks you’re a different person • do you still cringe when you realize that what people want to buy is you • but only the version of you that they want • a conditionality which by the way also applies to me •

so many conditions we place on each other just to live • are there too many • did you worry that people couldn’t accept you • did you leave home to find people who could • did you find the people you were looking for • once you got there did you realize you were just as weird in opposite ways • did they tell you that to make it you would have to let it out or at least channel it • did they tell you that in order to understand verisimilitude you’d have to dig for what was real • did they tell you that that verisimilitude is a dodge behind which the real ceaselessly recedes the harder you look • did they tell when you made it you could let it out • did you know that making it would mean some parts of it would never see the light • did you decide to make the compromise • or did it just creep up on you • do you care most days • is it mainly a problem on days you can’t be alone • do you live with it and decide to smile • or do you smile any way because your achievements have exceeded your expectations • because your life has gone a different direction than you’d planned •

what do you do when people demand to see the real you • do you believe they really want to know • that they understand • and show them a piece • do you conclude they have no idea and don’t want to know • if you show them a piece do they flip out • if you show them a piece do they weep for joy • if you show them a piece and they’re ecstatic do you feel trapped • if you show them a piece and they’re angry do you hide yourself further • if you show them a piece and they love it do you wonder if the piece you showed them was real • isn’t it easier not to show anyone • to save reality for the real people you know • and enjoy the hell out of the irony • to love the people who ask even as you secretly have to laugh at them sometimes and wish they could laugh at themselves • and if you’re quiet you’ll always know who you are and you’ll always be safe • but then there’s that problem of feeling grateful and wanting to please • and the always-nagging conundrum of truthfulness in art • especially when the art you’re selling is you •

are your dreams silly • are they crazy • are they unrealistic • are they even dangerous • if you admit to them will you jinx it all • will they dissipate • will people laugh • will they be angry • will they stop buying • if you stop selling the thing they want • and could you live with that • if it meant that no more sales meant no more parts •

what I guess from watching you • if you weren’t a little weird in the sense of never fitting in all the way • you’d never have left home • if you couldn’t have lived out at least some pieces of it • if you hadn’t searched for the thing that fit at least a little better • you wouldn’t be where you are • and I never would have seen you • if you weren’t silly you couldn’t have laughed during the down times • if you hadn’t been just a little bit weird • or even a lot weird • the weird I see • the weird you’re willing to admit to • the weird you’re willing to perform for me • or even push in my face because you wonder if it’s what I want • I wouldn’t have fallen in love • my life wouldn’t have changed •

for me • what I see • it’s enough • I will always wonder if it is for you •

~ by Servetus on March 1, 2014.