*ooof*: The Little Catalogue of Horrors

With the day that is in it, you can take it today’s *ooof* is a bit of a joke. Because quite frankly, I do not really find the image particularly ovary-combustingly hot. Have I suitably put you off? Or are you yet in full APM? Ok, I’ll bring it on…

Mr A went to an awards ceremony and donned his go-to-red-carpet-outfit suit, the trusty Tom Ford number he had already sported a few summers ago for the CA premiere. No, that is no snide comment. Guylty applauds the frugality and practical thinking of Mr A although she suspects it was simply the only dark suit left hanging in his deserted wardrobe of his London home, while all the snazzy Zegnas and D&Gs are in his fashionable NYC closet. Or maybe it is necessity? Has Mr filled out slightly since his rather thin and scraggy look at the end of 2013? He looked almost delicate in Berlin and more so in Madrid, but not so anymore. We also note the re-appearance of the knitted throw… eh… tie that made its debut in the Sarah Dunn shots from 2013. The purple handkerchief in the breast pocket is a new addition, previously unseen. Who, the innocent fashion victim wonders, has so accurately folded and placed the colourful accessory in the breast pocket? Does Mr Armitage engage in origami himself?
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And here he stands, a little bit too close to the backdrop, left foot forward, in a full-length portrait of the actor as a 90s footballer. From the image I get the impression that he was not as comfortable at this event – or in this outfit? – than as at CinemaCon just a few days before. Instead of the relaxed poses from Vegas we see a slightly tenser version of the man, his hands unclenched, but to my mind there is a certain tension in his left arm, held slightly apart from his torso, shoulders a little bit held back. A half smile graces his stubbled countenance, the moustache and stubble a little bit stronger than usual. But good sport that he is, he is doing his best to look friendly and give the photographers what they came for.

The reason I have picked this image today is that Micr(olin)a asked me bts and in reference to some of the CinemaCon pictures what the photographers did to make their subjects look so twisted in their pictures. She used some choice swear words in her comment, but I will leave those out here to maintain the high quality of the writing *yeah right*. Moreover, Kathy Jones requested some more insight into the workings of a press call like the one in Vegas and I am all too happy to comply. An interesting image from CinemaCon provides insight and even has RA in it. Press calls essentially are a more professional zoo experience than a red-carpet appearance. In front of a backdrop that brandishes the sponsor logo/event name, the celebrity guests assume their poses in front of the press. The photographers are cordoned off from the “posing zone”, herded like cattle. Note to self: Bring cattle prod if accredited for press pit at TABA London. Or is it the celebs that are corralled in? In any case, the bigger the event, the more photographers, the less space. Hence the photographers fight for a good spot at the front of the corral rope to get an unobstructed view of the posing celebrities. In this situation, the photographer has to deal with several limitations. Time for shooting is limited, as the celebrities will only indulge them for so long. Ideally, the photographers would like to get a shot of the celeb looking at the camera, therefore lots of shouting ensues to attract the attention of the celeb and to literally turn their heads.

But more challenging is the space limitation. Apart from keeping the elbows out in order to defend their space and stop other photographers from jostling them, an unobstructed view is paramount. Hence the cattle prod coveted spot in the first row. This however poses new challenges for the photographers. The aim at an event like this is to get a variety of shots of the celebrities. Headshots and head-and-shoulders portraits from straight-on or in half-profile, but also full-length images that show the subjects in their gowns and top-to-toe beauty. Thankfully modern photography has produced cameras with so many pixels that you can crop a wider shot and produce headshots from half-lengths and still produce images of suitably high resolution for inclusion in print media. The distance the photographers are usually kept from the subjects is perfect for close-ups and half-lengths – about 1.5 to 2 meters. But not so for full-lengths. If shooting a full-length, the photographer has two options. He can either step back to get the full glory of his subject into the frame – or he can zoom out. The latter is possible because most photographers use a zoom lens, something like a 70-200mm zoom (and which you can spot on all the cameras in the small image above). However, the trouble with zooming out in this situation is that the perspective gets distorted. Because the photographer cannot move away from the spot, he has to zoom out rather than physically move backwards to get the subject in the frame. Add to that the fact that the camera will be shooting at a slight angle – from head height, looking down to get the feet of the subject into the frame – and the result is perspective distortion. This manifests itself in a big bobble head and shortened legs. The effect is more pronounced in the following shot from CinemaCon.
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Unfortunately this is an effect that crops up again…

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and again…
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and again…
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and again…
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and again…
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But hey, I bet you enjoyed that little root through the Little Armitage Catalogue of Horrors… No blame on Mr A please – thanks to Getty Images we now know names of those who are responsible!

This might remind you of an old *ooof* I did a long time ago where I talked about distortion before. In this case, I absolve the photographer of all responsibility. He did his job – he could not move back. This was the only way he was going to get the whole delicious 6’2″ of Armitage into the shot. But good thing that we do not have to rely on our eyes only. We can conjure up a properly proportioned Armitage in our minds’ eye and correct our vision. And as steadfast fans, that is what we do – we *know* that the picture lies and that Mr Armitage is not posing here for menswear in a plus-size fashion catalogue but he continues to be worthy of inclusion in a female locker room… And hey, locker rooms and 90s footballers bring up some delicious visuals. I leave those to your own imagination… If you would like to be entertained, I recommend you read Servetus’ wonderful post on Armitage’s new twitter.

 

~ by Guylty on April 1, 2014.