Richard Armitage announces new social media platform

Leeds: RAeuters

In a surprise move Tuesday that ended years of apparent resistance, Richard Armitage announced a new presence on social media, starting with an official website, Rich4Realz.com.

The site will host a historical record of the thespian’s career along with never-before-seen photos and messages to fans.

“I hope to leave more frequent messages,” the star’s announcement on the website stated, “but I don’t think fans are trying hard enough yet to decode and understand what I’m saying, so I’m thinking of posting them in code to increase the interpretive challenge. I might offer a prize to the first person to decipher each message — such as a picture of myself on stage as an elf at the age of eleven!”

The site will further feature a Monday column from Armitage’s mother, who will respond to letters from heartbroken fans suffering because they will never have a chance to date her son.

Effective immediately, the website continued, the star of The Hobbit trilogy will tweet as @DishyTornadoDick.

Industry sources said that Armitage was moved to tweet when his publicist pointed out to him that Twitter makes unconventional spelling and punctuation look like a style choice.

Initially, the new site asked users to propose daily hashtags for the star to use (#thighsonthursday for discussion of how Armitage keeps his legs in such great shape, for instance), but attempts to load Rich4Realz.com failed after the first time — probably due to massive fan demand.

Other sources claimed that site collapsed because newly-single Gwyneth Paltrow linked to it in a tweet that she marked #consciouscoupling, declaring that Armitage’s new platform finally made him an attractive marital partner for her and her brand.

Repeated tweets from RAeuters to @DishyTornadoDick asking for confirmation went unanswered, but each of them was retweeted over a thousand times by fans who wanted to know.

Armitage remained elusive after the announcement. It was almost as if he had said nothing.

Through judicious following of fan social media, however, this reporter was able to track the elusive film star down at The Hop in Leeds, where he was rocking the weekly pub quiz all on his own. I had to wait until he’d successfully answered a question on primordial gravitational waves, but when asked why he finally caved after holding out against fan pressure for so long, Armitage said:

“April Fool!”

(In related news, Michael Fassbender felt neglected and Servetus is still poor.)

***

[APRIL FOOL!]

[SERVETUS DUCKS.]

~ by Servetus on April 1, 2014.