OT: Three things I have to put down — to come back to

10245295_10150388496344950_1806218556384536505_nI found this on FB; I’m sure Buddha didn’t say it this way, but I’m not sure it matters who tells one the truth.

After several days of sitting in shul, conclusions I’ve come to:

1. Suffocating wave of grief in combination w/Easter – Passover: realization. I’ve done Passover so often w/parents of SOs, even with ex-SO’s Christian parents, and I’d always hoped I could invite my mother some day, that one day we’d get past the crevasse over religion that I opened up between us. How much more business will reveal itself as unfinished? Or maybe, as I said to someone yesterday morning, it’s that you don’t know ahead of time exactly which business is unfinished until you get there.

1a. Yizkor for Passover is tomorrow noonish, and I’m teaching. I’m not ready to cancel class for that. So there it is.

1b. Pesky’s debilitating pain on the second Seder and his decision to go to 770 this Sabbath — none of us ever step into the same river twice. We have no time. This was acutely on my mind in September but it somehow receded as my grief deepened. There is, in fact, no time — no matter how much time we have.

1c. The pattern I failed to recognize in this complex was that mom was already dying. The diagnosis came weeks later but she must have already known inside, and I didn’t listen well enough. I wasn’t listening.

2. Shame — every time anyone shamed you, Serv: it seemed like you had earned it, like it was what you deserved. That is why it tires you out — not because of any fatigue from outrage, but because of the secret fear that those who shame you are correct about who you are, and the ongoing fight to stand up straight in the face of the shame takes all your energy. If you could bring yourself to feel outraged, or at least to detach from the feeling that you merit some general opprobrium, you might actually derive some energy from the whole thing. Instead, you shame yourself. So goal realization 3 of fandom — no more shame — fandom is the place to work this out because there is so much shame, anger, rage, here. And also the opposite. So much joy, beauty, love.

3. As this phase of my life ends, relief, but still hard to hold two entirely different pictures of the future in my mind. A few more months. In the fullness of time. The sun rises every morning.

~ by Servetus on April 22, 2014.

10 Responses to “OT: Three things I have to put down — to come back to”

  1. It may have been a brief post, but it contains a lot that struck into me because of certain things I’m experiencing at the moment. As always, your candor is a gift. Thank you.

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  2. Your willingness to let us in really touches me. I’m praying that God’s peace will come through His true and timely words to you, to your spirit.

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  3. Serv, I don’t have the proper words to lift you up to tell you that it’s going to be okay…assure you that you’ll reach a period in which all these things will not matter and that you will rise above it all…. your openness often moves me to tears and all I want to do is reach through the internet and offer you a great big hug…. May God be your comfort and peace….(1 Peter 5:7

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  4. Rejecting shame and embracing the “joy, beauty, love” of the fandom: what a happy and positive goal. I know you will achieve your goal sooner or later, and the best part is, I think you know it too.

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  5. Be kind to yourself , don’t beat yourself up , it is still early days since your mom died ,grief ,sneaks out when you least expect it and it can be as raw and overwhelming as the first days…..I have learnt ,in the passage of time , most troubles change and resolve or become different , and , internal strife , sadness ,self-worth and well being…..do eventually blossom into.a happy place with contentment , love and an understanding . If this is out of order ,forgive me , just want to say , hold on ,stuff does get better ….AND all us Armitaging girls are sending our love ..xxx

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  6. Thanks for your support and the kind comments — this really is the year for “no shame” (or at least working on it).

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  7. Dear Serv, I’m sorry you’ve been low. I know how it feels; my mum has been gone 18 months now, and I berate myself for not spending more time with her, especially as, despite her poor health, she was such good company. But please give yourself credit for braving the paternal fray and being with your mother full time in her final months. You did the right thing. You looked after her and gave her great comfort. Grief can be long and hard, but it doesn’t have to be about shame. We women do beat ourselves up too much. If I may distract you a little — have you read that new article in the Atlantic, The Confidence Gap, about why women are so prone to being hard on themselves while men just seem to breeze through stuff? Somehow just contemplating the neuroscience made me feel a bit better, even if there’s not much I can do to rewire my brain yet.
    Sorry, I haven’t been here a while, and I’ve missed some of your news. Are you applying for a new position?

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  8. I’m lazy, naive, not very cool…but I want to hug you, (((Servetus))).

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  9. No, we don’t step in the same river twice. Grief grabs us and pummels us senseless at different moments, never the same. Yet we persist. Shame can be difficult to give up, but keep shedding it, keep refusing to drink from that bitter cup. “To endure is to conquer.” — Goethe

    Wishing you comfort and solace, and the grace that faith grants {{{hugs}}}

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  10. Thanks to everyone for your support. 🙂

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