In which Richard Armitage receives an urgent text

As we learned recently, the phone hackers of the world have moved on from stealing texts to wiretapping entire conversations. Here’s the latest from the undercover cell phone wiretappers who’ve been trying to figure out what Richard Armitage will do next.

***

Sunday, 10:17 a.m., EDT. “1 new message received.”

From: WMEAgent

To: Richard Armitage

Text: Nipple is complaining. Call me when you wake up.

***

Sunday, 11:23 a.m., EDT. “1 new message received.”

From: WMEAgent

To: Richard Armitage

Text: Navel has been in touch, protesting treatment of nipple. Call me ASAP.

***

Sunday 11:45 a.m., EDT. “1 new message received.”

From: Richard Armitage

To: WMEAgent

Text: Whut?

***

Sunday, 11:47 a.m., EDT. “1 new message received.”

From: WMEAgent

To: Richard Armitage

Text: CALL ME IMMEDIATELY.

***

[Voice 1]: We’ve got a real problem on our hands, Rich.

[Voice 2]: [sounds sleepy] What? I’m still really tired from all of these night shoots.

[Voice 1]: It’s The Crucible on screen.

[Voice 2]: What? [still sounds muzzy] I thought you said they were really happy with initial sales.

[Voice 1]: They were. That’s the problem.

[Voice 2]: There’s a problem because sales were good?

[Voice 1]: Yeah, early this morning I got a phone call from your left nipple’s agent.

[Voice 2]: [sniffing noise as typically made by people just waking up, clearing their noses] I must still be asleep. I thought you said my left nipple had an agent and he called you.

[Voice 1]: Yes, that’s what I said. It does, and he called.

[Voice 2]: Let me get a cup of coffee made and call you back when I am awake.

[Voice 1]: I am not kidding, Rich. Your left nipple’s agent called and he’s really angry.

[Voice 2]: I see. What is my left nipple’s agent angry about?

[Voice 1]: It looks like a few screencaps and GIFs and instagram vids have been made of those moments, and thousands of fans have liked them.

[Voice 2]: Okay. My fans have always appreciated my body. It’s taken me a while to get used to it, but it’s nothing new. What’s the problem?

[Voice 1]: So your left nipple feels that its residuals in the original contract don’t reflect the proportion of its contribution to the performance.

[Voice 2]: My left nipple is getting residuals?

[Voice 1]: Yes, of course it is. A proportion of your residuals.

[Voice 2]: I don’t get residuals on fan art. If only.

[Voice 1]: I know, right? But its agent wants you to make a retroactive payment in consideration of the fact that so many fans are currently focused on it. And on the basis that it thinks that the brief glimpse of it will probably do quite a bit to sell the performance in future.

[Voice 2]: [clears throat] Okay, I think I am awake now. What do you think we should do?

[Voice 1]: I would have said to hold firm, otherwise before you know it, the right nipple’s agent is going to want an increase as well.

[Voice 2]: Wait, my nipples are not represented by the same agent?

[Voice 1]: Not since they got divorced a year or two ago.

[Voice 2]: The nipples or the agents? Oh, that’s so sa— wait. Have you been using some of the dwarves’ naughty grass?

[Voice 1]: Rich, I am totally sober.

[Voice 2]: So you think I should stand firm against my left nipple’s agent’s demands?

John Porter (Richard Armitage)’s navel in Strike Back 1.6. My cap.

[Voice 1]: Well, I did, but I got a call from your navel’s agent just a little bit later.

[Voice 2]: My navel does not have an a—. [deep sigh] OK, what did my navel’s agent say?

[Voice 1]: She says your navel’s upset because it’s not getting any attention. It was more or less obscured in most of The Crucible on screen.

[Voice 2]: That wasn’t my fault.

[Voice 1]: I know, but the time before that, it had to wear that nasty wound makeup, and it’s always had self-esteem problems since that. It’s worried that fans think it might be ugly.

[Voice 2]: That was a demand of the role. John Porter gets gut shot in Strike Back 1.4.

[Voice 1]: I know, but it feels that provided a major component of your success in your initial outing as Lucas North in Spooks and that it was never appropriately compensated for that contribution.

[Voice 2]: And I suppose, it did work really hard on that role. I lost all that weight. Did all those crunches.

Lucas North (Richard Armitage)’s navel in Spooks 7.1. My cap.

[Voice 1]: This is an older story, but its agent called this morning and she thinks that it’s time for you to pay up.

[Voice 2]: Pay up?

[Voice 1]: Yeah, she wants a guarantee of prominent exposure in a new role.

[Voice 2]: I can’t promise that. We’re almost done filming Hannibal, and in my next role, I’m playing a monk!

[Voice 1]: You don’t think you could get them to let your character take off his cassock? That could even it out a little bit.

[Voice 2]: [growls] I don’t think you want to get my buttocks’ agent involved.

[Voice 1]: [clears throat nervously] Erm — Agents.

[Voice 2]: Agents. Are they divorced, too?

[Voice 1]: The buttocks, or the agents? [pauses] I’m not sure. In any case, you’re right about that.

[Voice 2]: So you think I should pay the left nipple off?

[Voice 1]: I think that would be a good idea. And we can get an agreement that this is a single and final payment.

[Voice 2]: And the navel?

[Voice 1]: You can think about that one a bit.

[Voice 2]: Sleep on it, so to speak.

[Voice 1]: I think that’s a great idea. Maybe there’ll be a future role where the navel can get some good exposure again. If you can promise something concrete, then I think you don’t need to make a retroactive payment. On the other hand, if you intend never to bare your midriff again, a payment might end things in a way that satisfied everyone.

[Voice 2]: That sounds good. [yawns] I’ll talk to you later. When I’m not obviously dreaming. This conversation is unreal.

[Voice 1]: Whatever you say, Rich.

***

[This was quite obviously meant as a spoof. Resemblance of things stated about and by Richard Armitage’s navel, nipples, buttock and their respective agents are purely coincidental and were done for artistic purposes.]

~ by Servetus on March 23, 2015.