Breaking: Effective immediately, Richard Armitage to be photographed only from the rear

 

.@NBCHannibal @BryanFuller @DeLaurentiisCo @neoprod @HannibalRoom Toronto Jan 2015 Smiling inside. #dolarhydedental pic.twitter.com/j5JilKRAkG

— Richard Armitage (@RCArmitage) July 20, 2015

Vancouver: RAeuters

In future, actor Richard Armitage wants to be photographed only from the rear.

Various wire services spread the message after the actor tweeted a photo of himself looking like he was about to vomit a combination of plastic, toothpaste, and drool onto the photographer, with the caption “smiling inside” indicating his pleasure in disgusting the viewer.

“He’s clearly tired of all the comments on his beautiful face and features,” said media critic Belle Visage (whose last name is pronounced “VIS-idge”), “and this is his way of commenting on it.”

While Armitage has long been playing with proportions of his derriere to the delight of his audiences, particularly in the days of The Hobbit, speculation that Armitage preferred to show fans and audiences his posterior assets had grown in the months since The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies premiere, when he was photographed so beautifully from the rear that fans cheered.

Ok – here’s 1 for @ServetusRA – #ObjectsInTheRearMayAppearBiggerThanTheyAre #HiddenPeaches #RichardArmitage pic.twitter.com/507UCKmC9O

— Guylty Pleasure (@GuyltyPleasure) December 2, 2014

The chatter grew even louder after he began to work on the Hannibal set. “It was clear Armitage was trying to hide his character’s face for most of that time,” said a spokesman from the Posterior Heritage (pronounced hairy-TADGE) Cultivation Foundation, “probably because he didn’t want people to see how they executed Francis Dolarhyde’s cleft palate. One telling point, though, was when he cut his own face out of the picture of the application of his tattoo.”

Richard Armitage’s picture of the application of Francis Dolarhyde’s tattoos, Spring 2015, tweeted June 22, 2015. Source.

In the tweeted photo, Armitage’s face was cut off, while a glowing Chinese character painted over his posterior was clearly placed as if intended to draw attention to it.

When contacted for comment, one spectator said that he felt that Armitage’s experiences as depicted in this photo probably alerted the author to the potential for exploiting his buttockal charms. “As he said at the #Pannibal,” the interim president of Asskissers Anonymous noted, “they were ‘knelt at his backside, painting [his] crack,” and he said that it was one of his strong memories of the cast and crew, and that it was quite ‘intimate’.”

“When you think about it,” the AA President noted, “what greater potential is there for Richard Armitage to share the warmth of that experience and memory, to be intimate with his fans and audiences, especially over Twitter, than to show us and them and the whole world his gorgeous–”

Her remarks were unfortunately cut off when her best friend unceremoniously tackled her to the floor.

“Don’t mind her,” the woman excused her friend, “ever since the spring of 2014 she’s been fixated on Richard Armitage’s sudden and extreme apparent excitement about buns.”

“Did you make these buns?” Richard Armitage in Anglophile Channel interview, 2014. Source.

The high point of Armitage ass appreciation, however, was reached during the premiere of the trailer for Hannibal 3.08, which was shown for the first time at the #Pannibal, when only blurring of Dolarhyde dropping his kimono to worship the Red Drago saved audience members from total collapse.

Richard Armitage as Francis Dolarhyde, enhancement / edit from Hannibal 3.08 trailer preview. Source on watermark.

“Armitage’s buttocks were pretty breathtaking, even in the short shorts,” said an audience member at the scene, “and the #Pannibal had to pause while paramedics revived several gasping audience members.”

Rumors spread quickly after the #Pannibal that NBC had canceled the show not due to low ratings, but because they were unable to ensure the show sufficiently to cover liability for the heart attacks and apoplectic responses that were likely to ensue when the scene was shown on the network, in streaming, and finally in pirated versions all over the globe.

Armitage increased chatter that he was voluntarily showing only rear views the next day, when he appeared at the book signing in aviator glasses, shielding his eyes from the crowd of adoring fans.

Skeptics, on the other hand, noted that Armitage’s new perspective was possibly an attempt to expand his reputation as male totty to the North American market, and that perhaps Armitage had meant his recent exhortation to fans in an entirely different way than many fans had understood it.

@CybersmileHQ #SCD2015 “An eye for an eye”? How about “turn the other cheek”?

— Richard Armitage (@RCArmitage) June 19, 2015

When contacted, Armitage’s publicist stated that he didn’t see what all the fuss was about, as many people watching the fandom in the last weeks had noticed nothing of the sort happening at all. He did, however, promise to contact his client for comment and expected a response within the next twenty-four hours.

***

[yes, this was a spoof. If we shadows have offended, think but this, and all is mended, etc., etc. …]

~ by Servetus on July 21, 2015.