Richard Armitage, reluctant Callipygian or: Why the agent supports an “only rear photos” rule

483667_10151785236065760_601488441_n[At left: mini-surveillance drone prototype]

[Continued from here. Transcripts from the tapes hovering in a very discrete, out-of-the-way Vancouver restaurant over dinner this evening.]

[woman’s voice]: Is everything to your satisfaction, gentlemen?

[Voice 1]: Yes, absolutely. Thank you. [pause] So, Richard, that was an interesting move, communicating that you only wanted to be subjected to rear photography from now on. Very original indeed.

[Voice 2]: Is that why you were so eager to have dinner with me? Are you calling me on the carpet again? Because I didn’t have crumby eyebrows, even if I spent weeks in therapy

[Voice 1]: Shhh! Not so loud. Do you want to ruin your reputation?

[Voice 2]: But I didn’t actually say I only wanted to be photographed from the rear, either! You’re always taking me to task for things I haven’t ever done!

[Voice 1]: I didn’t fly up here to yell at you, Richard.

[Voice 2]: You didn’t?

[Voice 1]: No, not at all. I think it’s brilliant, in fact.

[Voice 2]: You do?

[Voice 1]: It’s a beautifully intuitive move, Richard, and it draws on your natural gifts. In fact, if I had your posterior, I’d consider it myself.

[Voice 2]: I don’t want to be photographed only from the rear!

[Voice 1]: Not ever? Because that is going to be hard to write into your contracts. And no one will believe you.

Richard Armitage, rear view, San Diego ComicCon, July 14, 2012. Photo courtesy of HeathRa designs. Source: RichardArmitageNet.com

Richard Armitage, rear view, San Diego ComicCon, July 14, 2012. Photo courtesy of HeathRa designs.

[Voice 2]: What do you mean?

[Voice 1]: Well, not after seeing the Red Dragon reveal, to say the least.

[Voice 2]: Because I took my pants off for a role–

[Voice 1]: And told everyone how intimate it was to have makeup ladies washing the remnants of your tattoo out of your crack–

[Voice 2]: Because I took my pants off for a role once–

[Voice 1]: It’s not once, Richard, that’s why it’s a credible story in the first place–

[Voice 2]: Because I took off my pants for a role once, I only want to be photographed from that angle ever?

[Voice 1]: Well, you have to admit, it is a nice angle…

[Voice 2]: I never said that!

[Voice 1]: Quite. As you say. In any case, first of all, the publicity is going to be really fantastic.

[Voice 2]: You think?

[Voice 1]: Yes, I do. So far the reaction has been interesting, to say the least. There’s even an editorial in the culture section of the Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung.

[Voice 2]: Really? [amused] What does it say?

[Voice 1]: The headline is Schaupieler Richard Armitage gibt dem Begriff Arschgesicht eine ganz neue Bedeutung.

[Voice 2]: What does that mean?

[Voice 1]: Actor Richard Armitage … gives a whole new meaning … to the term …

[Voice 2]: What term?

[Voice 1]: Arschgesicht.

John Porter (Richard Armitage) and Katie Dartmouth (Orla Brady) run for the helicopter in Strike Back 1.2. Screencap.

John Porter (Richard Armitage) and Katie Dartmouth (Orla Brady) run for the helicopter in Strike Back 1.2. Screencap.

[Voice 2]: What does that mean?

[Voice 1]: Hmm … not sure … must be a colloquialism … [firmly] We can look it up later. I think they’re trying to say–

[Voice 2]: say what?

[Voice 1]: That your rear ends is as pretty as your face. [coughs] Yeah, that’s what they will have meant.

[Voice 2]: Oh. Well, okay.

[pause]

[Voice 2]: Wait, is that a compliment?

[Voice 1]: Om … I’m sure it is. [pauses] Here, try some of this carpaccio, it’s delicious.

[Voice 2]: I’ve struggled with raw meat dishes the last few months. I can’t even look at steak tartare anymore.

[Voice 1]: [sympathetically] Trauma?

[Voice 2]: Possibly.

[Voice 1]: In any case, you need to see the bright side.

[Voice 2]: Which is what?

[Voice 1]: Well, selfies will be a lot less worrisome for everyone involved.

[Voice 2]: What do you mean?

[Voice 1]: You may have to twist a bit more, of course.

[Voice 2]: What do you mean?

[Voice 1]: Or maybe there’s a special ass-angle selfie stick. I’ll make a note to have my PA look into that.

[Voice 2]: Ass-angle …. what?

[Voice 1]: Well, now you will want to tweet pictures of your bottom rather than of your face.

[Voice 2]: Don’t you think fans could misinterpret that?

[Voice 1]: I don’t see how. [confidently] They seem to catch all of your other secret messages without any trouble. In any case, it should massively reduce everyone’s anxiety.

[Voice 2]: How so?

[Voice 1]: Well, you won’t have to worry about overexposing your photos to cut down the appearance of wrinkles and laugh lines anymore–

[Voice 2]: Fans love my laugh lines!

John Porter (Richard Armitage) in a staged battle with a fellow prisoner in Strike Back 1.3.  Screencap.

John Porter (Richard Armitage) in a staged battle with a fellow prisoner in Strike Back 1.3. Screencap.

[Voice 1]: Well, they haven’t seen many of them recently, the way you’ve been lighting yourself. In any case, you won’t have to filter your photos anymore. As we know, you don’t have any wrinkles on your butt–

[Voice 2]: [sputters] what–

[Voice 1]: Why are you so upset?

[Voice 2]: [sputters again] what–

[Voice 1]: [suspiciously] Wait, Richard. Have you damaged your buttockal surface in any way while filming Hannibal?

[Voice 2]: No, of course not!

[Voice 1]: Are you sure?

[Voice 2]: [indignant]: No! [pauses] well, there was a little bit of a stain from the red makeup but I think it’s mostly worn off by now.

[Voice 1]: [firmly]: Stand up and drop your pants right now!

[Voice 2]: We’re in a restaurant in public! In Canada!

[Voice 1]: Don’t make me– [catches breath, breathes out deeply twice]. OK, sorry. I got a little carried away there.

[Voice 2]: I should say so! I was in Hannibal, not 50 Shades of Grey!

[Voice 1]: You’re absolutely right. I don’t need to see your ass tonight. In any case, before you really get going on this, you should probably see a gluteal dermatologist. It’s too bad that the person you saw for the eyebrow crumbs is in England–

[Voice 2]: What is a gluteal dermatologist?

[Voice 1]: A specialist in treating skin and skin diseases of the buttocks.

[Voice 2]: I don’t have any skin diseases.

[Voice 1]: No, of course not. But if you have bumcheek wrinkles you may need to get some buttock botox.

[Voice 2]: What???

[Voice 1]: We’ll see what the doctor says tomorrow, Richard. [soothingly] There are other advantages as well, though.

[Voice 2]: Such as?

Richard Armitage as Paul Andrews in Between the Sheets. Rear View. Screencap.

Richard Armitage as Paul Andrews in Between the Sheets. Rear View. Screencap.

[Voice 1]: No more fan discussions of “Armitage’s beak: Did he or didn’t he?” If no one sees your nose, they can’t comment on its contours. Just those round, juicy peach–I mean, orbs.

[Voice 2]: You want me to tweet pictures of my ass so that fans will stop arguing about my nose.

[Voice 1]: Hey, whatever works. But for the long run, I probably need to have my PA research that as well. I wonder what it costs.

[Voice 2]: What what costs?

[Voice 1]: Gluteoplasty. You may need it, eventually, if the posterior view selfies take off.

[Voice 2]: What is gluteoplasty?

[Voice 1]: You can trade in your Brazilian wax for a Brazilian butt-lift.

[Voice 2]: I am not having plastic surgery on my ass!

[Voice 1]: Well, running can only do so much.

[Voice 2]: That is an absolute boundary! I will not do that!

[Voice 1]: Well, not now, of course. In a few years, when things start to droop a little bit–

[Voice 2]: My ass is not droopy!

[woman’s voice]: Gentlemen, you’re causing a scene. You need to calm down, or I will have to ask you to leave.

[Voice 2]: I’m so sorry. Can I give you an autographed picture as an apology?

[Voice 1]: Richard! Now you’ve gone too far! You will not be giving away autographed photos of your ass. Clearly we have to rethink this! Get up [chairs scraping] I’m so sorry, miss. Please bill my credit card while I take my client for a short walk–

[transcript ends]

~ by Servetus on July 22, 2015.

60 Responses to “Richard Armitage, reluctant Callipygian or: Why the agent supports an “only rear photos” rule”

  1. Snort

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  2. Two in one night!? This has made my wine more fun. Ass-angle selfie sticks! Snort!

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    • well, just barely, I had to make the 24 hour promise. I think I did it in 22 🙂

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      • You do some of your best writing under deadline.

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        • you don’t know what a big role this very question has played in my adult life 🙂

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          • Mine, too. Some of my miraculously best papers were written an hour before they were due. There’s no motivation like a deadline.

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            • The issue for me was that that technique abruptly stopped working for me. I couldn’t use fear / adrenaline anymore, wasn’t happening … this blog was actually part of me trying to learn a new way. Works sometimes, sometimes not 🙂

              Liked by 1 person

              • With me, it all depends on what it is I’m writing. When I was an undergrad, it worked quite well, but I got smarter with time management in grad school. Still, even with weeks when I’ve put it off, if I know I have to share some kind of fanfic with the kids at book club/writer’s guild the next day, I can usually crank out a couple of pages. Deadlines have a way of cutting through self generated bullshit for me. 🙂

                I’m not sure why I started blogging, except one morning I woke up unwilling to be silent on the sidelines anymore.

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  3. This was tough going – I was laughing so hard I could hardly read! Brilliant! 😀

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  4. THIS-IS-GREAT!
    Unfortunately they must have withdrawed the article about the glorious Arschgesicht in my edition of todays FAZ. Please send me your copy. Thanks 😀

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    • Huh. Mine seems to be missing, too. Lately lots of things seem to be happening that aren’t actually happening …

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      • Mist! Verschwörung? Ich rufe da morgen an. Meine Schwägerin arbeitet dort. Wäre doch gelacht, wenn wir das nicht rauskriegen, warum der Artikel verschwunden ist. Ach ja und irgendwer muss sich noch dringend um die außer Kontrolle geratene Drohne kümmern. Kannst du das übenehmen? Danke. 😀

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  5. ROFL That headline in the FAZ… To be sure, Armitage’s move demands a full-page commentary. Or does it? I get from this overheard conversation that Armitage did not mean what RAeuters reported? I am confused.

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    • I’m not Armitage always even knows what he means. However, the article from RAeuters did extrapolate based on two words … so they might have been mistaken.

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      • He probably doesn’t. Hence the retractions.

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        • we should send him a copy of Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations for his birthday this year.

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          • OMG – how fitting they are: “Of my mother; I learned to be religious, and liberal; and to guard, not only against evil actions, but even against any evil intention’s entering my thoughts; to content myself with a spare diet, far different from the softness and luxury so common among the wealthy. “

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            • I was thinking of “Let no act be done at haphazard.”

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              • 😀 Well, I read through the first book and there was so much in there, I was astounded. I nearly ordered the text for myself (but €30 is a bit steep, so I’ll continue reading it online).

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                • yeah, it is a fantastic book. I reread it after mom died and it was so comforting somehow. There’s something in there for every life situation.

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  6. What great news for RA ass lovers everywhere. I wonder if he has found an voice coach who can bring out the best of his bum. It will be difficult to learn to project dulcet tones from his rear. Or perhaps his dialog will be dubbed from now on. It is a courageous decision to give such prominence to a body part, even one as revered as the bottom in question. His characters will rarely be able to sit, and never wear anything but tight pants or nothing. On the bright side, he can let his beard go crazy or embrace the stubble.

    Liked by 1 person

    • OMG — and getting his ass to smile. That will be … well. Let’s hope he doesn’t do any buttocks botox, then, or his expressive capacities will be … numbed.

      he’s always made brave choices.

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    • This question just occurred to me, and I am putting it as a response to you because YOU are the only person who might find this funny, I fear, but — if he goes out in the sunlight, and he’s worried about protecting the skin on his rear, will he wear an asshat? (bwa ha ha ha ha)

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  7. :roflmao: I was laughing so hard my laptop fell on the floor. Fortunately King under the Mountain is not damaged 🙂 I love your writing XD

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  8. All things considered (plastic surgery, hair removing), a rear selfie would be more trouble than a front view… I mean a classic selfie. 😀
    Thanks for the laugh, Servetus!

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  9. 😀 😀 😀 Thanks again! ( Hope this epic bum is safe from ovner ‘s evil machinations! 😉 )

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  10. ROFL… I’m sure this reveal will brighten the day of gluteal dermatologists everywhere. Imagine having day-in, day-out consultations for boils, folliculitis and liposuction gone wrong… how peachy keen would this news be to those poor souls? =)

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    • good point and I hadn’t thought of that. The day to day business of a gluteal dermatologist must be pretty dreary.

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  11. Grâce à vous un film d’horreur peut devenir un film comique .
    Comment désormais pourrions nous aborder son travail sous un angle sérieux ?
    Comment désormais pourra t-il sortir habillé , sans que des fans lui demandent de se dévétir ?
    Comment désormais même en costume trois pièces , chacun se remémorera ses formes ( dévoilées trop souvent sans réserve à mon goût ) , par un phénomène de vision imaginaire par transparence .

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  12. Thanks to you a horror movie can become a comic film.
    How now can we discuss his work in a serious angle?
    How can he now get dressed without fans ask him to undress?
    How now even with three-piece suit, each would bring forward in the rmind his shape curves (often unveiled unreservedly for my taste), by a phenomenon of imaginary vision transparency .

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    • yeah, I pretty much wanted to ruin all possibility that anyone would ever have a serious conversation about him again 🙂

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  13. LOL! Thanks, very entertaining 😀

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  14. Thanks for the laugh – the headline is hilarious :-)!

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    • there’s a shampoo ad in the US that goes, “don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.” I’m thinking the Armitage line here would be “don’t hate me because I have a beautiful bum”

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  15. Great, wonderful!!! Arschgesicht, ich liege unterm Tisch 🙂
    Klar, wenn wir öfter seinen Hintern zu sehen bekommen diskutiert niemand mehr über die Nase! Gutes Ablenkungsmanöver 🙂

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    • I wanted to work in Arschgeige but I couldn’t figure out how to do it (probably because I’m not sure exactly what it means. Also there is no Arschcello).

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      • 😀 Das mit der Arschgeige erklärst du besser niemandem hier. Ich glaube, es ist grundsätzlich leichter eine Arschgeige zu sein, als eine zu spielen, außer man ist Schauspieler. Du könntest aber auch AUF einer Arschgeige spielen (oder wie man das so nennen möchte), aber das wird dann vielleicht wieder grenzwertig zweideutig und SOWAS WOLLEN WIR HIER DOCH NICHT. höhö

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      • No, there is no such thing as an Arschcello 😉 … but you can “jemandem die Meinung geigen” which would mean criticising someone. So an Arschgeige might be some arse who is worth of getting die Meinung gegeigt. 😉
        A cello sounds not half as screechy as a Geige/violin, so maybe that’s the reason.

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  16. That was great, and excellent illustrative work!

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    • Thanks, I did choose those pictures carefully — although I can’t say there was a paucity of options.

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  17. a friend weighs in to share this:

    Ode to Mooning

    For a man with an ass so sublime,
    Wearing trousers would be quite a crime.
    Ladies were glad of quick peeks,
    While stealing a glance at his cheeks.
    The view, they agreed, was divine.

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  18. “…I don’t need to see your ass tonight.” Um. Me? I mean, I need…er…to, would be happy to….gaack.

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  19. Thank you for making my break-time reading so entertaining! The bumcheek wrinkles and “Wait, is that a compliment?” probably had me laughing the loudest.

    Like

  20. You realize his left nipple is going to start complaining to its agent that Mr. A’s ass is hogging all the limelight.

    Like

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