Richard Armitage, reluctant Callipygian or: Why the agent supports an “only rear photos” rule

[At left: mini-surveillance drone prototype]

[Continued from here. Transcripts from the tapes hovering in a very discrete, out-of-the-way Vancouver restaurant over dinner this evening.]

[woman’s voice]: Is everything to your satisfaction, gentlemen?

[Voice 1]: Yes, absolutely. Thank you. [pause] So, Richard, that was an interesting move, communicating that you only wanted to be subjected to rear photography from now on. Very original indeed.

[Voice 2]: Is that why you were so eager to have dinner with me? Are you calling me on the carpet again? Because I didn’t have crumby eyebrows, even if I spent weeks in therapy—

[Voice 1]: Shhh! Not so loud. Do you want to ruin your reputation?

[Voice 2]: But I didn’t actually say I only wanted to be photographed from the rear, either! You’re always taking me to task for things I haven’t ever done!

[Voice 1]: I didn’t fly up here to yell at you, Richard.

[Voice 2]: You didn’t?

[Voice 1]: No, not at all. I think it’s brilliant, in fact.

[Voice 2]: You do?

[Voice 1]: It’s a beautifully intuitive move, Richard, and it draws on your natural gifts. In fact, if I had your posterior, I’d consider it myself.

[Voice 2]: I don’t want to be photographed only from the rear!

[Voice 1]: Not ever? Because that is going to be hard to write into your contracts. And no one will believe you.

Richard Armitage, rear view, San Diego ComicCon, July 14, 2012. Photo courtesy of HeathRa designs.

[Voice 2]: What do you mean?

[Voice 1]: Well, not after seeing the Red Dragon reveal, to say the least.

[Voice 2]: Because I took my pants off for a role–

[Voice 1]: And told everyone how intimate it was to have makeup ladies washing the remnants of your tattoo out of your crack–

[Voice 2]: Because I took my pants off for a role once–

[Voice 1]: It’s not once, Richard, that’s why it’s a credible story in the first place–

[Voice 2]: Because I took off my pants for a role once, I only want to be photographed from that angle ever?

[Voice 1]: Well, you have to admit, it is a nice angle…

[Voice 2]: I never said that!

[Voice 1]: Quite. As you say. In any case, first of all, the publicity is going to be really fantastic.

[Voice 2]: You think?

[Voice 1]: Yes, I do. So far the reaction has been interesting, to say the least. There’s even an editorial in the culture section of the Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung.

[Voice 2]: Really? [amused] What does it say?

[Voice 1]: The headline is Schaupieler Richard Armitage gibt dem Begriff Arschgesicht eine ganz neue Bedeutung.

[Voice 2]: What does that mean?

[Voice 1]: Actor Richard Armitage … gives a whole new meaning … to the term …

[Voice 2]: What term?

[Voice 1]: Arschgesicht.

John Porter (Richard Armitage) and Katie Dartmouth (Orla Brady) run for the helicopter in Strike Back 1.2. Screencap.

[Voice 2]: What does that mean?

[Voice 1]: Hmm … not sure … must be a colloquialism … [firmly] We can look it up later. I think they’re trying to say–

[Voice 2]: say what?

[Voice 1]: That your rear ends is as pretty as your face. [coughs] Yeah, that’s what they will have meant.

[Voice 2]: Oh. Well, okay.

[pause]

[Voice 2]: Wait, is that a compliment?

[Voice 1]: Om … I’m sure it is. [pauses] Here, try some of this carpaccio, it’s delicious.

[Voice 2]: I’ve struggled with raw meat dishes the last few months. I can’t even look at steak tartare anymore.

[Voice 1]: [sympathetically] Trauma?

[Voice 2]: Possibly.

[Voice 1]: In any case, you need to see the bright side.

[Voice 2]: Which is what?

[Voice 1]: Well, selfies will be a lot less worrisome for everyone involved.

[Voice 2]: What do you mean?

[Voice 1]: You may have to twist a bit more, of course.

[Voice 2]: What do you mean?

[Voice 1]: Or maybe there’s a special ass-angle selfie stick. I’ll make a note to have my PA look into that.

[Voice 2]: Ass-angle …. what?

[Voice 1]: Well, now you will want to tweet pictures of your bottom rather than of your face.

[Voice 2]: Don’t you think fans could misinterpret that?

[Voice 1]: I don’t see how. [confidently] They seem to catch all of your other secret messages without any trouble. In any case, it should massively reduce everyone’s anxiety.

[Voice 2]: How so?

[Voice 1]: Well, you won’t have to worry about overexposing your photos to cut down the appearance of wrinkles and laugh lines anymore–

[Voice 2]: Fans love my laugh lines!

John Porter (Richard Armitage) in a staged battle with a fellow prisoner in Strike Back 1.3. Screencap.

[Voice 1]: Well, they haven’t seen many of them recently, the way you’ve been lighting yourself. In any case, you won’t have to filter your photos anymore. As we know, you don’t have any wrinkles on your butt–

[Voice 2]: [sputters] what–

[Voice 1]: Why are you so upset?

[Voice 2]: [sputters again] what–

[Voice 1]: [suspiciously] Wait, Richard. Have you damaged your buttockal surface in any way while filming Hannibal?

[Voice 2]: No, of course not!

[Voice 1]: Are you sure?

[Voice 2]: [indignant]: No! [pauses] well, there was a little bit of a stain from the red makeup but I think it’s mostly worn off by now.

[Voice 1]: [firmly]: Stand up and drop your pants right now!

[Voice 2]: We’re in a restaurant in public! In Canada!

[Voice 1]: Don’t make me– [catches breath, breathes out deeply twice]. OK, sorry. I got a little carried away there.

[Voice 2]: I should say so! I was in Hannibal, not 50 Shades of Grey!

[Voice 1]: You’re absolutely right. I don’t need to see your ass tonight. In any case, before you really get going on this, you should probably see a gluteal dermatologist. It’s too bad that the person you saw for the eyebrow crumbs is in England–

[Voice 2]: What is a gluteal dermatologist?

[Voice 1]: A specialist in treating skin and skin diseases of the buttocks.

[Voice 2]: I don’t have any skin diseases.

[Voice 1]: No, of course not. But if you have bumcheek wrinkles you may need to get some buttock botox.

[Voice 2]: What???

[Voice 1]: We’ll see what the doctor says tomorrow, Richard. [soothingly] There are other advantages as well, though.

[Voice 2]: Such as?

Richard Armitage as Paul Andrews in Between the Sheets. Rear View. Screencap.

[Voice 1]: No more fan discussions of “Armitage’s beak: Did he or didn’t he?” If no one sees your nose, they can’t comment on its contours. Just those round, juicy peach–I mean, orbs.

[Voice 2]: You want me to tweet pictures of my ass so that fans will stop arguing about my nose.

[Voice 1]: Hey, whatever works. But for the long run, I probably need to have my PA research that as well. I wonder what it costs.

[Voice 2]: What what costs?

[Voice 1]: Gluteoplasty. You may need it, eventually, if the posterior view selfies take off.

[Voice 2]: What is gluteoplasty?

[Voice 1]: You can trade in your Brazilian wax for a Brazilian butt-lift.

[Voice 2]: I am not having plastic surgery on my ass!

[Voice 1]: Well, running can only do so much.

[Voice 2]: That is an absolute boundary! I will not do that!

[Voice 1]: Well, not now, of course. In a few years, when things start to droop a little bit–

[Voice 2]: My ass is not droopy!

[woman’s voice]: Gentlemen, you’re causing a scene. You need to calm down, or I will have to ask you to leave.

[Voice 2]: I’m so sorry. Can I give you an autographed picture as an apology?

[Voice 1]: Richard! Now you’ve gone too far! You will not be giving away autographed photos of your ass. Clearly we have to rethink this! Get up [chairs scraping] I’m so sorry, miss. Please bill my credit card while I take my client for a short walk–

[transcript ends]

~ by Servetus on July 22, 2015.