Richard Armitage dithers: or, why he’s torn between Berlin Station and Love, Love, Love
[More from the annals of the hacking of Richard Armitage’s cell phone. This just in.]
[Voice 1]: I’ve got a problem that I need you to fix.
[Voice 2]: That’s what your agent is here for. What is it?
[Voice 1]: I need to be in two places at once.
[Voice 2]: We’ve been through this before. Hannibal shooting and the Olivier Awards. Didn’t work out. That’s just reality. If this is about missing the Brain on Fire red carpet premiere because you’re rehearsing for Love, Love, Love, let me just say–
[Voice 1]: No, it’s not about that. I hate red carpets.
[Voice 2]: Then what?
[Voice 1]: I have quite a serious dilemma — on the 9th of October there’s an advance screening of Berlin Station at exactly the same time as the afternoon matinee of Love, Love, Love.
[Voice 2]: Popular guy, aren’t you? [snickers] This isn’t really a question — somewhere in America a TV station is also showing Captain America: The First Avenger and one or two of the Hobbit films, too.
[Voice 1]: No, you don’t understand. I really have got to be in both places at once.
[Voice 2]: This is crazy. Why?
[Voice 1]: It’s my mum.
[Voice 2]: What?
[Voice 1]: My mum is coming over to see the preview of Berlin Station.
[Voice 2]: What? I’m rolling my eyes here. Why would she do that?
[Voice 1]: It’s all this stuff with EPIX and their gradual distribution. They are not going to show it right away in the UK and she’s tense because she’s afraid of spoilers.
[Voice 2]: [flatly] Your mum is afraid of Berlin Station spoilers.
[Voice 1]: Yeah, isn’t everyone?
[Voice 2]: I just guess I didn’t think your mum would be encountering a lot of spoilers.
[Voice 1]: I think it’s the animated GIFs that are the real problem.
[Voice 2]: Why are animated GIFs a problem?
[Voice 1]: Because my dad is looking over her shoulder when she sees them on the computer screen and pesters her to explain what is going on in them and then she doesn’t know.
[Voice 2]: Looks over her shoulder?
[Voice 1]: Yes, while she’s reading Twitter.
[Voice 2]: Your mum reads Twitter.
[Voice 1]: Well, sometimes I get caught up in work or rehearsal or whatever–
[Voice 2]: –and?–
[Voice 1]: I forget to call home.
[Voice 2]: [deadpan] Your mum is reading Twitter to find out about your latest projects.
[Voice 2]: Your mum is relying on Twitter for information about you.
[Voice 1]: Well, you have to admit, sometimes my fans know about projects I am doing before anyone bothers to tell me. So I can’t blame her. I’d definitely call her if it was really important.
[Voice 2]: She does know about Love, Love, Love, right? That you’re contracted to appear in that play until mid-December?
[Voice 1]: Of course.
[Voice 1]: Of course I told her! I told her as soon as I left Mid-Life Crisis. Well, I had to, because I couldn’t drive up for her Sunday joint with Yorkshire pudding anymore.
[Voice 2]: Is that on your diet?
[Voice 1]: And before you ask, yes, they are coming to see it. I got them tickets. Definitely. Excellent seats.
[Voice 2]: That’s a relief. I wouldn’t want your mum to start calling me for information about you. Or tickets.
[Voice 1]: I’m trying to do better!
[Voice 2]: Rolling my eyes here again, Rich.
[Voice 1]: So last night, she was reading Twitter to find out if I was doing anything new, and she saw some fans had tweeted about the special advance showing of Berlin Station. Blimey, was that awkward. I didn’t even know about it.
[Voice 2]: There’s a special advance showing of Berlin Station?
[Voice 1]: You didn’t know about it?
[Voice 2]: No.
[Voice 1]: Maybe you should read Twitter. Mum doesn’t look so silly now, does she?
[Voice 2]: [coughs]
[Voice 1]: Anyway, she saw the advance showing and decided it would solve her Berlin Station spoiler problem and so she’s decided to come and she expects me to be there.
[Voice 2]: You can’t be there. You’ll be on stage at the time.
[Voice 1]: I know. But you don’t understand. It’s MUM. She bought the tickets before I’d even got up this morning.
[Voice 2]: OK, even granted that I think this is a problem, I don’t know how you think I can fix it. It’s a law of physics. Two things cannot occupy the same space at the same time.
[Voice 1]: That’s not quite right. As far as I know, that rule only applies to electrons. And it doesn’t say anything about one thing being in two places at once.
[Voice 2]: Since when you have studied physics?
[Voice 1]: I didn’t. I read wikipedia. The Pauli exclusion principle implies the stability of matter and the fact that it has volume and occupies space, but the the rule itself is really about the properties of electrons.
[Voice 2]: Uhhuh.
[Voice 1]: Honestly, I would not be calling you for help if I thought I could solve my problems with Google.
[Voice 2]: Maybe you should get back in touch with your character biography for John Proctor.
[Voice 1]: What does this have to do with Proctor?
[Voice 2]: Because that was one of the things the witches at Salem were accused of.
[Voice 1]: What? Defying the laws of physics?
[Voice 2]: Kind of. Bilocation. Being in two different places at once.
[Voice 1]: That rule is only for electrons. And I can tell YOU didn’t come to see The Crucible. Some agent you are.
[Voice 2]: Why’s that?
[Voice 1]: Because all of Act Four is about how John won’t make a false confession. So he wasn’t a witch!
[Voice 2]: I went, but okay. I admit I left at the beginning of Act Four.
[Voice 1]: Hmmm.
[Voice 2]: I have an allergy to garbage bag fragments. Also, there was a bar right there in the theater.
[Voice 1]: You’re lucky mum didn’t see you. She’d have been practicing the laws of physics on your– well, like she will on mine if I can’t take her to this Berlin Station advance showing.
[Voice 2]: Well, why did you call then? If there’s no solution to your problem on the Internet, how will I be able to help? [exasperated sigh]
[Voice 1]: But there is.
[Voice 2]: I can’t wait to hear this.
[Voice 1]: I read in The Independent that you can be in two places at the same time! Sending you the link.
[Voice 2]: As far as I know, that only applies if you reach a quantum state. You’re a solid actor, Rich, but you’re not that good.
[Voice 1]: Ha, ha. Just read it. They said they made an object exist in two places at the same time. Why can’t I do that?
[Voice 2]: Did you read this article? It said they supercooled a thin layer of semiconductor to absolute zero, and then made it vibrate six billion times a second.
[Voice 1]: So?
[Voice 2]: So I know you’re an energetic guy, but even you can’t vibrate six billion times a second. Besides that, I don’t think your ski jacket will keep you alive at negative 273C.
[Voice 1]: So you don’t think it will work? [a note of despair creeps into his voice] Because I’m not sure what to do about Mum.
[Voice 2]: [calmingly] Look, we’ll just call EPIX and ask them to send her a DVD with all the episodes.
[Voice 1]: [sighs] We tried that, but–
[Voice 2]: But what?
[Voice 1]: There’s this little matter of mum’s addiction to filesharing–
[Voice 2]: Your mum downloads torrents?
[Voice 1]: Yeah — how did you think those Robin Hood HD files made it China before they were available in the UK? [with a touch of pride]: That was mum!
[Voice 2]: We have to stop her. That’s really hard on your royalties.
[Voice 1]: You’re not kidding.
[Voice 2]: [wearily] OK, I’ll call those scientists in Santa Barbara and see what they can do.
[Voice 1]: Thanks! I knew I could count on you!
This is a spoof. We know Richard Armitage calls his mum first (for instance, about The Hobbit). And I’m sure Mrs. Armitage isn’t a media pirate. Although I wouldn’t put it past her to read Twitter from time to time. Maybe she has her own collection of animated GIFs!