So … me. Plus Richard Armitage
after going to bed early several nights in a row, I came to the conclusion that I really need to stay away from Richard Armitage on social media. The man’s opinions are toxic to me right now. I never think there is a one to one correspondence between what one says on social media and who one is (I’m not that uninsightful about how all of this works) but I hated him last night. Which means it’s time to step away. I don’t expect that everything is supposed to be fun but I do expect not to hate the person I admire.
This need to keep him from destroying my admiration for him is particularly acute since I invested a lot of hassle, time, energy and money watching his play in NYC last week(end) and that was a great experience. I owe it to myself (if nothing else) to preserve or at least try to resurrect that euphoria of recognition and the creative energy that could have come along with it — to recapture those elements that did materially change my life when I saw The Crucible. I’m not sure how to deal with that — it was always particular fans I needed to avoid but the problem seems bigger than that right now due to the political situation. I’ve never thought that one can be a fan independent of a fandom, and I never thought that one is really a superfan separate from an awareness of what an actor says apart from his roles. (I know some people feel that’s possible, but it’s not what I was looking for in Armitage; I was specifically looking to learn something about how Richard Armitage ticks and works as informative to my own decisions. It might not be there. As I am realizing now, it probably is not there.)
I’m not sure what this means as I continue to be heavily interested in everything that’s going on, at least on an intellectual level; it’s just that what’s come down the pipe the last few days has been nauseating.
And yet — I have 25 pages of notes about performances in New York City. I always thought there is nothing I can really do as a fan except this: I can observe and describe and write. It’s a way to preserve something about the performance and the experience that is ephemeral. I still think it’s inherently valuable to do those things but I don’t know at the moment how to get myself back to the place where that is possible.
I just don’t know how to be a fan of Richard Armitage at the moment. I don’t know how to get myself back there. I’m starting to be faced with the ineluctable conclusion that this whole path of self-discovery has been fatally flawed. I’ve gotten a lot from it but I’m emotionally and intellectually stalled now and I don’t know how to change myself and stay here at the same time. Since change is inevitable, it may not be possible to stay here. I’m committed to creative development and growth. The ongoing hassle of having to patch together a tulpa every single second is, however, too time consuming to allow much space for development.
I’m not quitting yet, but I don’t know. Stay tuned.
This blog is on hiatus for two days minimum while I think about what I am going to do.