Richard Armitage tangentially related

I can’t believe I’m not posting anything about Ocean’s 8 today. Well, just this: for the coming weekend Ocean’s 8 is expected to come in at fifth with an additional $7M, bringing it to ~$115M domestic U.S. box office. Honestly, the two new films this week (Sicario and Uncle Drew) don’t seem like serious alternatives — 08 is still the best piece in that market segment for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet. My local theater chain is holding at the same number of screens. 2018 summer box office seems to have recovered significantly from the previous year slump.

Brain on Fire:

Berlin Station:

My Zoe:

Other stuff:

[the me part: This was an incredibly awful day. Dad has reached a new low of non-compliance with directions, coaching, and flat out rules (like: you can’t use your walker on the stairs). I can’t watch him every single second he’s awake, and my brother and I are discussing sending him to rehab after all, not because we think it will affect his behavior but because I am pushed to my physical and emotional limits every day, and maybe we’d have the opportunity to find another solution during the three months Medicare would pay for. I know this is rough for him, but my poise is wearing thin and I really don’t want to be involved in a power struggle over therapy exercises that are more for his benefit than for mine. Well, except insofar as he doesn’t do them and won’t comply with instructions, I remain trapped in the house and in his presence.]

~ by Servetus on June 29, 2018.

21 Responses to “Richard Armitage tangentially related”

  1. Let the professionals handle your dad, it’ll be better for both of you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I second Jazzbaby. You’ll be no help to him later if you are completely burnt out. Get as much help as you can. Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Yes, I agree my father in law was as stubborn as a mule however to anyone in uniform he was butter.
    I still have Probate delays because he got my middle name wrong in his Will (I have only been married to his son for forty years), but he was too stubborn to ask and appointed me as joint excutor without asking)

    Liked by 1 person

    • it’s astounding. I asked one of the doctors about it — as personality change can be a consequence of stroke. It’s like someone erased the file with all the data about not doing dangerous things. My brother put up child gates all over the house today.

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  4. I agree with the above comments. As you are discovering, being a primary caregiver is exhausting. There is no harm, and likely a lot of good, in deciding that your dad requires more care than is reasonable for you to provide. Three months in rehab may make a world of difference to both of you

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Dear Serv wish I could come by bring you a meal or take you out for a beer… I agree with the others that rehab sounds like a good plan. Honestly he might relax more in their care. I think it’s very hard for a father to look or feel
    weak in front of his kids so that might contribute to his being ornery? You are doing an amazing job of being there for him but yes create some space for yourself somehow. A thing I’ve told myself all these years of parenting? I’ve gotta put my oxygen mask on first or I’m no use to anybody.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aw, thanks. (I can’t drink anyway because I have to be able to hear him and get up if he does … baby monitor installed … but when this phase is over I am definitely tying one on.)

      I’m sure you’re right about the pride issue.

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  6. Serv, believe me when a stroke first hits it is best to let the professional therapist get them as far as they can and then you will have enough problems handling the rest if full motion and other bodily functions are not able to be brought back. I say this from watching my father and what we went through after his stroke. Rehab brought him a long way and then we had the rest of the way to work with him. And I know from my own. i would never have regained my complete recovery on left side and speach without them. They do good work if you let them in most places. Caring is so hard on the carer – cut yourself some slack and grant yourself some peace.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I agree they do good work (they did with mom, but she actually listened). I’m glad you made a full recovery!

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  7. Serv, I agree with everybody. it is the best for you and your dad. (just to warn you) if you do send your dad to rehab, be prepared because he will probably get mad, sad, make you feel guilty for doing this to him, etc. Just remember, we are here for you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks. This is another worry I have. If he sulked the whole first week he would be wasting valuable time.

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  8. Sending hugs. I’ve been there with my mom and she was just the most awful patient (and I was not even looking after her at home). You need to let the pros do it. He will behave for them, I am almost certain. And it will save your relationship with him, and your sanity.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Thanks to everyone for your comments. I appreciate your perspectives and above all your sympathy. I have a lot of reactions to what’s been happening, some of which are surely contradictory.

    These are the concerns I have about rehab: he really doesn’t want to go (while he was in the hospital he asked every person we saw, approximately every ten minutes, when he was going home); he actually rushed through the first hospital physical therapy evaluation to finish it before I could get there, so that when I walked in that morning I was faced with the fait accompli of having him at home; he is consistently rude to the physical and occupational therapists, telling them they have no idea what they are talking about (and using terms that I find rude for them), so that he isn’t really following directions because he isn’t listening — I have to be at every appointment, listen to the directions to understand him, and do the exercises with him to keep him on task; he has many counter-factual beliefs about therapy (e.g., using the walker is making him weaker) that have to be countered all the time; his impulsiveness is such that I have no idea how they could control him without restraints if he wanted to do something they wouldn’t let him do; and going to rehab would rip him out of the most important moment of his day, which is his reunion with his social circle at the diner in the morning. It would be crushing for him. We also had to take him off of caffeine and alcohol cold turkey, which may be contributing to the problem, although the professionals shrug their shoulders when I ask about that and say they don’t know. I also worry that he would be a prime candidate for elder abuse just because he’s such a problem. (I saw some borderline abusive behaviors toward mom and she was really the perfect patient so I shudder to think what could happen with someone whom everyone agrees is obnoxious.)

    I suppose a lot of it boils down to no one else being able to watch him as well as me / no one cares as much as I do. But I know that if I stick with it he will get more out of the therapy than he would if I sent him to rehab, and since the therapist thinks he should get back to about 90-94 percent on the DAIG and BERG scales, that is a desirable goal and good for everyone’s quality of life if I can just handle it all emotionally. This phase of therapy lasts ten weeks (assuming he continues to make progress) and we can re-evaluate then. His big goal is to drive again, and I don’t know if that is really possible, but it can be held out as a carrot assuming he’s listening.

    I talked to my brother and the physical therapist and we decided to go with a different strategy today — he has five different therapies (walking, legs, arms, fingers and speech) which he had alternated — but we did them all today and the goal was to push him, not to a dangerous level, but to a place where he was definitely winded. Tire him out, so to speak. He was better today. Maybe he realized yesterday was bad, too, or maybe I grew a callus overnight. My brother also rpomised he would arrange it so I could get out more. I’m starting to feel very fenced in. We’ll see.

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  10. I hope this gives you a small amount of comic relief. My father was in a nursing home for the second time, this time he would not be coming home again. One day I was there, he was in a wheelchair, and he was having a bad day of nursing home disorientation. He was being very belligerent, and telling me he was coming home because they had a thing on him that made an awful noise everytime he tried to stand up. I tried to explain that it was an alarm, that he falls when he tries to get up by himself, and that’s why they had the mats on the floor next to the bed. He was yelling he never falls, he can walk fine… they gave no right, and he’s getting out of this place. I tried explaining he couldn’t, that he hasn’t been able to walk for several months, and he did a lot of falling before that. He’s yelling that I can’t keep him there, and this is going on, and I say call my sisters, and ask them. He is leaving, he’s going to call Heffernan! That was his lawyer when I was a kid, and we lived in a town an hour away 25 years ago, and was long dead anyway. This went on all afternoon, and eventually when they took him to dinner, I went home. I had to keep from laughing by the end, because he was so mad, and didn’t believe anything I was telling him.
    Sometimes it’s just so sad that they don’t know when, or where they are. At the same time you can reach the absolute end of your patience because they blame you, and are meanest to you, because they can be, and you are who they know they belong to. You just have to laugh so you don’t cry. It’s not even “them” anymore to a large extent. You laugh at what you can to get through, because there is no alternative. Just pray for strength. When they’re gone (I know your Mom already is, but you weren’t experiencing caring for her everyday.) you will both look back on it as a gift you could give, even though it doesn’t come close to enough, and feel guilty that you didn’t do more, that you weren’t more patient, that you couldn’t keep them home until the very end. I know your Dad’s not dying, he’s rehabing, but it is going to be a process until that does happen. Try to find things to laugh about. Try not to be as hard on yourself as you probably are. Try to find out as much about him as you can, so you will have that later. Try to “appreciate” it as the gift you will look back on it as, as impossible as that seems in the thick of it.
    I know you weren’t very close to him, and certainly had your differences on many things. I wasn’t either, even though I’d lived at home my whole life except when I was away at school. I don’t know why, I was just set against him from the time I was a kid. The funny thing is, all of that fades away. Now, 95% of memories or thoughts that pop into my mind are good. I see how blessed I was to have the parents I had, and to have been raised the way I was.
    I’m sorry, I’ve highjacked your space yet again. I hope I didn’t offend you by anything I’ve said. I really am just trying to help.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. When my mom was sick (she has cirrhosis)
    my dad had a home caregiver come in a few
    days a week to help her get around, bathe her,
    just to help my dad out. It was only for a few
    months I think and I’m not sure if Medicare
    helped pay for it. Don’t know if that would be
    a happy medium between you and brother
    and rehab for 3 months. My mom fought using a walker and a wheelchair when they go out
    to dinner for a long time but finally gave in
    and now couldn’t manage w out either.
    Our thoughts are w you and keep writing and vent all you want.

    Like

  12. Hope you can get the help for your dad that he needs! (((hugs)))

    Like

  13. That really sounds so tough for you. I can’t even imagine. Hang in there.

    Like

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