In which I wonder if I’m in the right cinema, or: stuff I have to wade through to see Ocean’s 8

I’ve basically got my arrival coordinated now so I don’t have to see any of these, but the only jarring note the first time I saw Ocean’s 8 was all of these trailers for films that left me feeling increasingly alienated as a cinema-goer. It did put me in mind of Into the Storm in that sense — because that was also a film where all the trailers they showed ahead of it were things I’d never see voluntarily in a million years. These aren’t quite that bad. Or. Hmmm.

[I apologize in advance if I’m dissing your favorite, long-anticipated film. There are films I look forward to seeing. They’re just not being advertised before Ocean’s 8.]

Mamma Mia 2

I’ve seen this trailer something like five times now and I still can’t figure out what the movie is about. Something to do with a hush-hush pregnancy and dancing. Abba songs, which I suppose are fine, but a whole movie? I guess you had to see the first one. Does Meryl Streep really have to be in every single film? Small plus point: Cher, of whom I don’t see enough.

Verdict: Skip unless I’m really desperate. Which, admittedly, I might be.

Mission Impossible: Fallout

Tom Cruise stars in a series of equipment crashes in picturesque European locations. He also jumps out a window. But he can’t actually move any part of his face so it’s difficult to experience any thrill about any of it. There also seems to be some kind of religious fanatic. Huh. Plus point: Angela Bassett, but it looks like a very small role.

Verdict: Not unless forced to at gunpoint, and even then you’d have to staple my eyelids open.

A Simple Favor

This is potentially the one I’m most likely to see, and it has interesting titles, I’ll admit. However, I don’t get why a story that plays in Connecticut is backgrounded with the French song. Could be suspenseful and interesting, but the exploding car is a bad omen.

Verdict: Maybe, if I have time to kill on cheap day.

Peppermint

A drug cartel kills Jennifer Garner’s family so she goes under cover and kills the drug cartel. Nothing at all about this appeals, starting with the gooey beginning, continuing with the weird executions on a Ferris Wheel, and ending with a weird cell phone conversation at a gravestone. This looks like violent kitsch from beginning to end, verging on xenophobia, and I’m trying to figure out if this is someone’s sad attempt at female empowerment, or it’s just guys who like to fantasize about a shoot’em up with Garner, whose guns both literal and figurative definitely impress.

Verdict: You could not pay me to see this film.

Bad Times at the El Royale

I really do not know what to say about this. A weird hotel, a topless man dancing in a wheat field, a guy in a mask, a woman singing “this old heart of mine” … none of it fits together. Huge negative: Jeff Bridges, who has done nothing that convinced me since 1989, i.e., for more or less my entire adult life.

Verdict: “Bad Time” seems to be an appropriate title. People will pay money for this? Really?

A Star is Born

Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga playing some sort of weird codependency games at country music concerts. Am I really supposed to believe Gaga doesn’t think she’s attractive? Am I really supposed to believe that Cooper believes that she doesn’t think she’s attractive? Yeah, didn’t think so.

Verdict: Totally superfluous. The 1954 and 1976 versions of this film fully meet my needs (Judy Garland in the better film and Barbra Streisand as my preferred vocalist).

Are you planning to see any of these? Can you explain the appeal?

~ by Servetus on July 8, 2018.