Breaking: Richard Armitage to voice COVID 19-related public information film in UK

–London: RAeuters

It was revealed overnight that British voice actor Richard Armitage is to record a public information film to support the UK government’s campaign against the spread of the virus.

In an announcement so discreet it went largely unnoticed, UK Health Secretary Matt Hancock made known that Armitage would join actor Mark Strong in a series of adverts on social media, billboards, and drivetime radio to inform and encourage the public to use the most stringent social distancing practices possible in order to halt the spread of infections.

Strong has been engaged to support the efforts of the English Chief Medical Officer, who has revived the public information film as a method of communicating important information. Strong’s adverts will concern the central advice being shared by Whitty and others in these days: frequent hand washing, self-isolation, and tele-medicine before an office visit for people with symptoms. A source at the Department of Health and Social Care revealed that Strong’s profile was thought too straight for some of the other information that the Department wished to communicate, however, which might need to take a slightly more risqué tone.

After some discussion among Department staff, Armitage has been engaged to do a film in support of the campaign about safe(r) sex during a coronavirus outbreak. The video is intended to premiere new UK guidelines for sex during coronavirus in line with those issued recently by the Irish government. Given Armitage’s astounding skills with self-isolation, cutting himself off from the world to the point of disappearing totally, it was thought he might make love to the microphone in his small bathroom, or in some other way convincingly demonstrate techniques for safer sex when the partners must maintain a distance of at least two meters during intercourse.

Speaking on the condition of confidentiality a member of Department staff noted that the choice was easy, as Armitage’s credits have prepared him more than adequately. The committee was particularly impressed by their viewing of a documentary in which he discussed with relish how sperm pursue eggs in order to achieve fertilization, and by listening to an audiobook which the staff agreed that he reproduced male solo ecstasy in the shower more than credibly. During negotiations, Armitage insisted on keeping the tone of the new film light, ruling out some of the more frank demonstrations of sex in the time of coronavirus, including diagrams showing which positions are salubrious (or not), or discussions of the inadvisibility of rimming.

Fans were mostly relieved at the news, although some were disappointed.

“I’m just glad we finally know what he’s really doing in that bathroom,” one fan said, referencing a photo Armitage had posted to his instagram this week with the claim that he was planning to work on a stack of audiobooks after the suspension of his play, Uncle Vanya, due to fears of virus contagion.

“I guess we’re just not going to get a respiration scene in a medical drama,” a disappointed fan mourned, “at least not this year. Too easy to transmit infection by mouth-to-mouth contact.”

Contacted for comment on Armitage’s future as kisser in an age of social distancing, Dawn French was skeptical that Armitage could be fully convincing in any kiss “without tongues.”

All the fans interviewed preferred the new project to the predominant speculation circulating in the fandom. Because several celebs have been recording youtube videos of themselves reading children’s books, it was thought possible that the actor, known for his “method” approach to even the most trivial of projects, had been planning to undertake a new audio recording of Captain Underpants and the Attack of the Talking Toilets, a book from a popular children’s series in the U.S. currently celebrating the twentieth anniversary of its publication. His previous piece for CBeebies, “I’m Not Going Out There!” has also been in heavy rotation in recent weeks.

If the first film is successful, the Department plan a second attempt in which Armitage will speak in front of the single toilet-paper dispenser in his very small toilet in order to discuss the importance of not hoarding toilet paper.

When asked for confirmation of the main project, Armitage’s publicist said, “Well, you know, he’s always been a bit of a wanker. But we do believe that Richard Armitage could bring a whole new level of commitment and truthfulness to the pubic information film.”

***

If you didn’t figure it out by now: April Fool!

[This joke inspired by Richard Armitage’s bathroom photo and a post by billiepops. Watch out for yourself and your family and neighbors, wash your hand, cough into your elbow, have safe sex, and stay home!]

~ by Servetus on April 1, 2020.

44 Responses to “Breaking: Richard Armitage to voice COVID 19-related public information film in UK”

  1. Aprilscherz? Ernsthaft? Mach Sachen! Wäre ich ja nieee drauf gekommen….. 😁

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  2. As always you had me at the first three paragraphs 🤣🤣🤣 Brilliant! Thank you for the laugh! Stay safe! 🤗

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  3. You had me in the first half 😂😂😂 then I remembered the date 😉

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  4. Oh that is great! “He’s always been a bit of a wanker.” Lol. Very funny. I completely forgot what day it is! (And thanks for the link love. That was quite the shower scene.)

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  5. Wheezing!!! 😂😂😂😂 OMG, this is spectacular! And a much needed laugh.
    Thanks for this!

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  6. I never thought I’d see Richard Armitage and Captain Underpants mentioned in the same article ( although thinking about it, why not?) Brilliant Servetus, thank you.

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  7. Omg the last statement from the publicist 😂. As usual, your April Fools post does not disappoint. And boy, it swishes past the bone veeeery closely…

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Brilliant. You had me up to “astounding skills at self isolation”. Thanks for the laugh!

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    • This is part of Armitage’s secret scheme — he will self-isolate until the ranks of the actors have thinned a bit.

      Like

  9. […] It’s just that Guylty had forgotten about it until she read Servetus’ hilariously funny post for […]

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  10. snick snick…

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Very good, you had me with the lead. You do this type of April Fool gem very well.
    Interesting that you used Mark Strong. I saw him play Astrov at the Donmar about 18 years ago. Sad that I wasn’t able to compare to Armitage.
    Hope you are keeping well in Wisconsin. I am going bonkers here in California, and your April 1 greeting gave me a chuckle.

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    • well, that wasn’t me — that’s real. Strong has been hired to do ads in support of social distancing.

      Hope you are well, too. I don’t know how this can really go on as long as they are projecting without everyone going bonkers.

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  12. sniggers

    Liked by 1 person

  13. You had me there for a second. A good one. Thanks for the laugh in these terrible times.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think I might have finally gotten to that point of frustration that pushes me into absurdist writing.

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  14. Thank you for making me laugh!

    Like

  15. ROFL omg you so had me going with that, you lil stinker, lol.

    Like

  16. Thanks for the laughs. I knew this was a April Fools joke as i read Guytly,s post first. Someone don’t look at her email to later in the night most days and I read from the top down.

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  17. Great post, clever girl. Thank you for a nice jolt of humor.

    Like

  18. Fabulous 😂 I did spot RAeuters but you still got me for a good few paragraphs!

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  19. LOL! Thanks so much for the laugh! Learned something too (didn’t know what rimming was exactly – looked it up, didn’t know it was called that so now I know).

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  20. lol thanks for the laugh, it is still good, even it’s not the first of april anymore.
    Now I’ll have to track down these ads spoken by Strong 🙂

    Like

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