Breaking: Richard Armitage to voice COVID 19-related public information film in UK

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Yes…that’s a toilet. 🎤 🚽 …new spin on ‘singing in the shower’

A post shared by Richard Armitage (@richardcarmitage) on Mar 27, 2020 at 6:56am PDT

–London: RAeuters

It was revealed overnight that British voice actor Richard Armitage is to record a public information film to support the UK government’s campaign against the spread of the virus.

In an announcement so discreet it went largely unnoticed, UK Health Secretary Matt Hancock made known that Armitage would join actor Mark Strong in a series of adverts on social media, billboards, and drivetime radio to inform and encourage the public to use the most stringent social distancing practices possible in order to halt the spread of infections.

Strong has been engaged to support the efforts of the English Chief Medical Officer, who has revived the public information film as a method of communicating important information. Strong’s adverts will concern the central advice being shared by Whitty and others in these days: frequent hand washing, self-isolation, and tele-medicine before an office visit for people with symptoms. A source at the Department of Health and Social Care revealed that Strong’s profile was thought too straight for some of the other information that the Department wished to communicate, however, which might need to take a slightly more risqué tone.

After some discussion among Department staff, Armitage has been engaged to do a film in support of the campaign about safe(r) sex during a coronavirus outbreak. The video is intended to premiere new UK guidelines for sex during coronavirus in line with those issued recently by the Irish government. Given Armitage’s astounding skills with self-isolation, cutting himself off from the world to the point of disappearing totally, it was thought he might make love to the microphone in his small bathroom, or in some other way convincingly demonstrate techniques for safer sex when the partners must maintain a distance of at least two meters during intercourse.

Speaking on the condition of confidentiality a member of Department staff noted that the choice was easy, as Armitage’s credits have prepared him more than adequately. The committee was particularly impressed by their viewing of a documentary in which he discussed with relish how sperm pursue eggs in order to achieve fertilization, and by listening to an audiobook which the staff agreed that he reproduced male solo ecstasy in the shower more than credibly. During negotiations, Armitage insisted on keeping the tone of the new film light, ruling out some of the more frank demonstrations of sex in the time of coronavirus, including diagrams showing which positions are salubrious (or not), or discussions of the inadvisibility of rimming.

Fans were mostly relieved at the news, although some were disappointed.

“I’m just glad we finally know what he’s really doing in that bathroom,” one fan said, referencing a photo Armitage had posted to his instagram this week with the claim that he was planning to work on a stack of audiobooks after the suspension of his play, Uncle Vanya, due to fears of virus contagion.

“I guess we’re just not going to get a respiration scene in a medical drama,” a disappointed fan mourned, “at least not this year. Too easy to transmit infection by mouth-to-mouth contact.”

Contacted for comment on Armitage’s future as kisser in an age of social distancing, Dawn French was skeptical that Armitage could be fully convincing in any kiss “without tongues.”

All the fans interviewed preferred the new project to the predominant speculation circulating in the fandom. Because several celebs have been recording youtube videos of themselves reading children’s books, it was thought possible that the actor, known for his “method” approach to even the most trivial of projects, had been planning to undertake a new audio recording of Captain Underpants and the Attack of the Talking Toilets, a book from a popular children’s series in the U.S. currently celebrating the twentieth anniversary of its publication. His previous piece for CBeebies, “I’m Not Going Out There!” has also been in heavy rotation in recent weeks.

If the first film is successful, the Department plan a second attempt in which Armitage will speak in front of the single toilet-paper dispenser in his very small toilet in order to discuss the importance of not hoarding toilet paper.

When asked for confirmation of the main project, Armitage’s publicist said, “Well, you know, he’s always been a bit of a wanker. But we do believe that Richard Armitage could bring a whole new level of commitment and truthfulness to the pubic information film.”

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If you didn’t figure it out by now: April Fool!

[This joke inspired by Richard Armitage’s bathroom photo and a post by billiepops. Watch out for yourself and your family and neighbors, wash your hand, cough into your elbow, have safe sex, and stay home!]

~ by Servetus on April 1, 2020.