Oculis flentis

I get a lot done but I feel like a stream of sludge. I decided today to abandon my childhood piano rather than trying to get it restored. I ordered cleaners and movers. I read a home inspection. I scheduled eight appointments for cardio rehab. I ordered a laundry basket with handles, two tubs to put dad’s other-seasonal clothes in, a large area rug, and $500 of packing supplies. I graded several essays and watched a documentary about Rwanda (the next film is Hotel Rwanda). I took most of the “art” from the walls and transported some of it to Salix. Paid some bills. Threw away two more large sacks of trash. There’s also the things I don’t do anymore, for which I am perversely grateful: wake dad up for his breakfast club, guess what to make for lunch and supper, sort out pills, the complicated laundry derby.

Dad’s been away for a week and I think a lot of the sludgy feeling comes simply from the relief of not being constantly concerned about what I will have done unsatisfactorily. It was also a feature of the last month that every time I thought I was getting somewhere near crying, he would say something to me that prevented it — usually something angry or critical. So it’s a week away and it’s probably normal that I’m getting set off.

This is what did it: Penn & Teller Fool Us is on tonight and we usually watched it together.

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~ by Servetus on April 17, 2021.

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