Finneganbeginagain

Richard Armitage reference.

It seems appropriate to start again on the eve of this insane milestone. I remember when I used to get a dozen hits a day and thought that was a lot.

As I get back to things, I wanted to assess the status of the reasons I began blogging and how far I got on certain things — I want to see if they’re worth continuing to pursue or what issues there might be with the approaches I was taking. Maybe it’s a function of the last eleven years of my life, but it seemed often that I just stalled on topics and never got back to them. And personal concerns took over so often. When I titled the blog, I didn’t anticipate quite how much time I’d spend writing about my life. (This isn’t going away or taking a back seat, by the way. I’m just trying to figure out how to organize and communicate my ongoing interest in Richard Armitage.)

Some themes:

1. The suppressed desire to feel and experience again. From the beginning to the addiction I developed to feeling things, because of the huge flashing light that appeared over Richard Armitage’s head, this crush re-animated my emotions. In turn my capacity to be analytical, which had been stifled by my struggle with tenure, reemerged again. I felt like my brain and my soul were united and firing on all cylinders again. Seeing Richard Armitage on stage felt life-changing.

Problem: I have retreated from that position (maybe worth a post exploring why as it’s overdetermined), but also, I have the general perception at the moment that the world has retreated from rationalism and analysis and that it needs to return. I spend almost all of my time being the voice of reason. At the same time I do feel like solving this issue is the key to returning to regular writing of any kind.

2. My struggle with self-esteem, which I was examining through fantasies about Richard Armitage encounters. I found this really productive but those posts were ones perceived as most offensive by some fellow fans. In the end I won the battle to keep blogging, but I lost the energy to continue that psychological path. This is a close subsidiary to the question of emotion, as whenever I write, all the demons come out to play.

Problem: have I just given in? Also, there’s a general consensus that the honest blog posts of ten years ago, the woman’s personal essay (so to speak) that was supposed to result in liberation just led to shaming, so that day is over. Too many people have been too honest. Is it possible to write entirely without caring what the response is? Even if there’s no response?

3. The search for identity and understanding who someone “is” who I only perceive through various mediations. The problems of the sources. This was probably the next most important task of the blog, and it quickly drew a troll who exhausted me. I was too long too naive, too convinced that I could explain myself to someone who didn’t want an explanation.

Problem: I can say this so much more succinctly now, and I am so much less interested in being everyone’s friend than I was a decade ago, but I think that the Armitage fandom in aggregate has just gone elsewhere. Most of us are more interested in our fantasies of Armitage than who he is and the fantasies have simply taken over the interpretive community. The vast majority of fans have no problem with this — and maybe this was my misunderstanding of fandom all along. People actually like the cloud cuckoo land that the media build for us: they revel in it, even.

4. Various analytical projects relating to the creation of identity among various characters Richard Armitage has played. They just got stalled. Among them, the ending to this series about Thornton (my mother was diagnosed with cancer); the ending to this series about Guy (the question of what others felt I should write became acute then); the question of gender trouble (I got so tired of the arguments). There are more. I could also add to this themes in acting and emotional psychology, like micro-expressions, status games, etc.

Problem: I honestly need to ask which of those are worth re-examining and revisiting, and frankly, the moment for long-form blog analysis has also evaporated (apparently).

5. Issues related to being a fan (both in general and my own). This is probably self-explanatory. And then there are the things that have come for me as I’ve been think about this question — perhaps chief among them the matter of historical change and how things look to me now.

Problem: It’s become really hard for me to discuss fandom as I become increasingly alienated from ours. Being analytical in the way I want would probably read as cruel those of my remaining fan friends who are still enmeshed.

7. Gender and desire. This was always dicey and I admit that I’d throw down over my right to say things out of frustration with the fan police. Two things really killed this, though: middle age (perimenopause) and the fact that I was living in such close quarters with dad for almost three years (libido killer). My libido seems to be resurrecting now and I hope it’s not too late to feel desire within my own level of interest for this thing — but it seems like discussing it could remain dicey.

8. Pattern recognition. A general problem in my life. For example.

Problem: see above re: personal essays.

Anyway. Some things I do know to do:

1. Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. I often don’t write because I think I don’t have time or it will not communicate exactly what I want to say. I just need to write stuff. Whatever it is.

2. Don’t get caught up in information aggregation again. I actually vowed not to do this and then in 2012 I broke my promise. I am not Richard Armitage’s publicist.

3. Try to stay away from his tweets as audience member. This is another huge alienating factor for me, most of the time. Analytics are okay but my reactions to him on Twitter are for the birds.

4. Get back to consuming product (which means somehow dealing with the fact that I have so many things I have not watched — even if it’s clear to me why).

Anyway. I hope I can live up to this list and get back to the original project of 2011 (before mom’s cancer, three cross country moves, a career change, and dad’s illness). I don’t want this post to be elegiac.

~ by Servetus on September 10, 2021.