Long after the thrill of living is gone

HL called me late last night, half in the bag. He said he’d just been to this party. I knew he was going to go, and he invited me, but I have no desire to go that party, ever. I think, two years later, that party was where dad met Flower (did I blog about that?), but I never wanted to go, even since then. I’m happy to let HL inherit the family invitation.

HL called to tell me I should have gone because at least a dozen guys had told him a nice story or neat thing about dad. I do think this is pleasant when it happens. He said, “I remember them all being a lot younger.”

But apparently he also talked to Flower’s son. I haven’t seen Flower since the last time I darkened her door, a little over three years ago. I called her and her son about dad’s funeral, but when I didn’t get an answer I left messages. They didn’t appear and I can’t say I was sad.

HL told me that Flower’s son told him that she broke her other hip, on Christmas morning, and is now back at rehab. They were also finally able to give her a complete neurological examination (she had refused them up till now) and she is on the cusp between moderate and severe dementia.

~ by Servetus on January 9, 2022.

17 Responses to “Long after the thrill of living is gone”

  1. I wouldn’t have gone either. I’m currently licking my wounds after discovering my late step mother changed her will and excluded me ( despite us having a warm and loving relationship) and leaving all my fathers money to her children. With small legacies to ‘her’ grandchildren- my children. She had dementia and I don’t believe for one moment she was capable when she made that change. It’s not the same situation as you find yourself in at all but I can empathise with the feeling of having to turn the other cheek in the face of huge injustice.

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  2. That would be a nice thing to do. It’s the sort of thing I’d do. But I’m not sure it’s necessary.

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    • The thing is that it’s the kind of thing that could set her off.

      I drove dad to visit her when she was in rehab back in 2018 and I witnessed her being horrible to the staff at least a handful of times. (And maybe she was suffering even then and no one realized.) i would not want to do anything to make things worse.

      OTOH the Servetus family visits the sick and I am not going to do that, so maybe sending flowers would make me feel less guilty.

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      • You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Maybe as you only heard about this second hand no one would expect you to do anything. I don’t suppose HL is worrying about whether to send flowers and he’s the one who had the conversation with Flowers son.

        OTOH perhaps I’m not the best person to be giving advice with my family baggage. I’m a bit jaded at the moment.

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        • This isn’t the kind of thing HL would feel guilty about, no (although he’s got his own list).

          I think the issue is precisely that she isn’t family. If she were family there’d be no question as to what to do.

          I wish there were some way to erase the residue of one’s reactions to situations. On the other hand, there probably was an adaptive purpose to all this at some point.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. It sounds like she might have had dementia for a while now, dementia don’t start to show signs until it is the moderate form. Also dementia and broke hips go hand and are hard on the caregivers. As for sending flowers, did she visit your dad in the assist living facility? If I can remember she was not very nice to you either. I can understand why you would not want to go to a party hosted by someone who caused you pain, I wouldn’t go either.

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    • If she did visit dad there, I didn’t learn about it. (But to be fair, one of the advantages of assisted living was supposed to be that I didn’t have to be in charge of everything that happened and apart from taking him places and encouraging people to visit him, I was really happy to let go of that.) And no, she wasn’t nice to me. HL and I wrote it off at first as “jealous old lady” and then as “sick old lady” but if she had dementia, that would explain a lot of it.

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  4. That’s rough as it stirs up all those memories. People often go in circles with some things, hope daily life n stuff keeps you busy so it doesn’t stay with you for too long in your thoughts x

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  5. Good riddance in regards to Flower’s place in your life. You don’t owe her anything at all.

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  6. So, I take it HL doesn’t have the objections that you have to this family friend? You don’t owe Flower anything but yeah, always kind to send something, as long as that doesn’t lead to any obligations on your part.

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    • I think the best way to explain it is that he’s 5.5 years younger, so he normalized many things about my father’s behavior that I was never able to. He was also much closer to my father emotionally.

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