The next imponderable
Another meeting with the GCM this morning.
Her question to me after our discussion: “Why do you feel the need to spend so much time defending your father?”
Geez.
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Me + Richard Armitage 
She is good!
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Yeah. It’s something I’ve wondered myself at times but she zeroed right in on it.
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Das ist ihr Job!
Aber, wer will das hören…..
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She was right but it still burns to hear it.
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A very fair question…
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I really hope the answer is more towards “he’s vulnerable” and less towards “because my mother always did,” but it’s hard for me to sort it out.
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She seems to be worth her money if she has put her finger on it at meeting no. 2!
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I think first that this is really her specialty — she has a really long resume of dealing with geriatric issues — but also, and this is just as important, she understands how people age around here and some of the factors that influence family dynamics here and the definition of what we consider normal.
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My goodness, I just had a lightbulb moment myself, as my sister spends all her time defending our mother, who has always been a difficult woman and is now rather more difficult at the age of 91. My sister is extremely forgiving of my mother’s meanness, and I see some definite parallels with you and your father (although, to be fair, my Mom has not had a stroke. She is just outspoken, sometimes immature, critical, and selfish). If I try to engage my sister in conversations about how she indulges our mother, even when it is totally undeserving and inappropriate, I get the cold shoulder. I do hope you will listen to this GCM. I have a feeling she is very experienced and sees this all the time.
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I spend less time defending him than my brother does. Or maybe it’s that I do it differently.
I’m really experienced in thinking about things from different perspectives — it is one of the main skills taught in history grad school. I wasn’t angry at her. Just a bit socked in the gut by the statement.
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She sure struck a chord, it’s a good question to ponder…
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Two weeks since she said it and I am thinking about it almost every day.
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Whoa…
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It’s a really hard question!
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But you answered it. That was a hard answer to read. I know it’s truth but somehow that makes it worse.
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Just an affirmation here for what you’re doing with the CGM… we couldn’t have made it without ours when we had to care for an aunt with dementia. She had no one else and lived about 1K miles away. Without the CGM, all kinds of havoc would continued, such as sitters overcharging her and stealing her medication. If you have a good one, she/he will be the objective voice that can cut through all the emotion and frustration that comes up when you question whether you’ve done the best you can do. It took several visits before Aunt finally stopped complaining about her and saw the benefit of paying her to do her job. She, too, understood the community (retired military) where Aunt lived (she was a nurse in Korean War). When Aunt had to move to an assisted living facility (after hospital stay), CGM helped us find one that seemed right for her (but we ended up moving her later, after someone on staff stole her wedding ring). CGM kept us from pulling our hair out and losing our jobs due to taking unexpected time off. Establishing a precedent for family medical leave at work is important if you have to take time off for your dad’s appointments or hospitalization. There may be veterans’ benefits that can help financially (it’s called Aid and Attendance) if you need help with an elderly veteran. Ultimately, there may come a time when you cannot physically maintain your dad – Aunt was an extreme challenge for her sitters who had to move her to/from toilet many times a day. CGM should be an expert on all this stuff. You’ll be miles ahead if you look into your options ahead of when you’ll need them. These are problems that come to all of us if our relatives live long, but I like to think our efforts and good intentions set an example for our younger relatives who may have to figure out how to care for us someday :).
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Thanks for the comment and welcome. I don’t work full time but my brother has already activated the FMLA things — we were familiar with this rule from our experiences during my mother’s final illness. We had looked into the veterans’ benefits situation at dad’s attorney’s suggestion, but it only works out advantageously for us if I am working full time and we pay someone else to do it; this is something dad has so far refused. But there are plenty of ongoing problems for the GCM to help us out with!
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[…] But in the moments of our fight this morning, I saw the answer to this question: […]
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Gone fishing | Me + Richard Armitage said this on May 31, 2019 at 3:17 pm |