Supercilious Armitage

[At left: mini-surveillance drone prototype]

[A couple of especially intrepid fans of Richard Armitage recently revealed that they have been able to use very small mini-surveillance drones that look like locusts, a technology lifted from the CIA, to eavesdrop in the office of Armitage’s agent in Los Angeles to good benefit here and here. While they had hoped to profit from the current UK fad for phone hacking, recent events have made it easier for them to cooperate with fans in London to exploit drone surveillance there. Here, a transcript of some things they overheard recently in the office of United Agents.]

 

***

Friday, July 4th, 2014, mid-morning

[Sound of door opening and closing. Sound of hand slapping against shoulder.]

Voice 1: Good morning, Richard!

Voice 2: [still a little groggy]: Good morning.

Voice 1: Brilliant to see you!

Voice 2: Yes, thanks.

Voice 1: Do you need some coffee?

Voice 2: Do you have some tea? Better for my vocal folds.

Voice 1: Yes, yes, of course. [calls assistant to bring some tea]. Congratulations on all these fantastic reviews, Richard! Five stars from the Telegraph, that’s wonderful, and from the Times!

Voice 2: [grunts affirmatively]

Voice 1: You don’t seem so excited.

Voice 2: I’m tired. Press night, the afterparty, and now I’m here at 9 a.m.?

Voice 1: Of course, of course. I thought you’d be happier, though. If this keeps up the theater will sell out or close to it every night, and you’ll be able to do whatever London theater production you’d like!

Voice 2: Be careful or you’ll jinx it.

Voice 1: Yes, but this is what we dreamed of all of those years ago, when you left the Royal Shakespeare Company.

Voice 2: Yes, I’m very happy, but it’s not all me. Yael and the ensemble are the important ones, I am just part of the team. It’s really Yael’s direction and her vision that those reviews are praising.

Voice 1: Well. Yes. Be that as it may–

Voice 2: Can you tell me why you wanted me to come in? Do I need to sign a contract for that next–

Voice 1: No, no, that can wait. It’s–

Voice 2: Out with it.

Voice 1: Well, there is something we need to address.

Voice 2: Did we have to do it this morning?

Voice 1: Erm [pauses] yes.

Voice 2: What then?

Voice 1: Well, it’s actually something from the first review that came out last night.

Voice 2: The Daily Fail?

Voice 1: Yes, quite.

Voice 2: You didn’t take that seriously, did you? “The incredible hunk casts his spell”?

Voice 1: It’s not that.

Voice 2: Because we’ve talked about this for years, and there’s nothing I can do to stop large numbers of random women of all ages from finding me attractive. Believe me, I’ve tried.

[awkward silence]

Voice 2: Though I’m going to try a new strategy next week, wearing contrasting checks in red on purpose with a blue jacket. May cut down the number of women who want to be photographed with me.

Voice 1: No! Those photographs are great publicity! Every time one of them shoots around the world the theater sells ten more tickets. It’s not that.

Voice 2: Well, what then?

Voice 1: It’s the point about–

Voice 2: About what?

Voice 1: About [pauses] your eyebrows.

[noise of newspaper being opened and rattled a bit]

Voice 1: This is what Quentin Letts says in his review: He — that’s you, Richard — also has a habit of raising his gaze towards the top of his skull, as though searching for crumbs in his eyebrows.

Voice 2: I really can’t help the shape of my eyes.

Voice 1: Yes, I know, and fans like that too, they love the whites of your eyes. Though we could revisit our discussion about plastic–

Voice 2. No. No plastic surgery.

Voice 1: But you know, sometimes even fans complain that you use your eyes too much, and I realized from reading this review last night–

Voice 2: You realized what?

Voice 1: [reproachful tone] Why didn’t you tell me, Richard? I could have helped you myself, or called in a consultant.

Voice 2: About what? Just tell me!

Voice 1: Oh, Richard. You know exactly what. You know [pauses, drops tone of voice] — the crumbs in your eyebrows.

Voice 2: [scoffs] I don’t have crumbs in my eyebrows. Don’t be ridiculous.

Voice 1: Of course you do, Richard. You don’t need to hide it any more. The reviewer noticed last night and now the phone is ringing off the hook!

Voice 2: [protesting] I don’t have crumbs in my eyebrows!

Voice 1: Really, it would be best for you to confront this quickly rather than denying it so emphatically. The sooner you admit it, the sooner we can get you some help.

Voice 2: FOR THE LAST TIME, I DO NOT HAVE CRUMBS IN MY EYEBROWS!

Voice 1: Of course you do. One of those bloggers published a diagram immediately after the review came out. It was published so quickly that I think they were keeping silent all these years to protect you.

Voice 2: A diagram? Come on. Show me.

Voice 1: Here it is.

Voice 2: She’s diagramming things that are not even there!

Voice 1: No, I think they are clearly visible. I’ve always thought these high resolution images were a double-edged sword for the actor. They toned down some of the wrinkles around your eyes, but the crumbs in your eyebrows are clearly visible. I wonder why they didn’t take them out.

Voice 2: Because they aren’t there!

Voice 1: Whatever you say. In any case, we really need to get them out, so that you are free to act with less distraction.

Voice 2: I’m not distracted.

Voice 1: Yael’s called, she’s really concerned about you and wants you to know that the entire cast and ensemble stands behind you as you try to deal with this challenge.

Voice 2: I AM NOT EYEBROW CRUMB CHALLENGED!

Voice 1: That’s as it may be. But Yael thinks that if you remain this unconcentrated due to your eyebrow crumb difficulties, she will have to have your understudy takeover at least temporarily. And you know how your fans will see that. There’ll be anger.

Voice 2: Here — I am brushing my eyebrows. No crumbs. NO CRUMBS!

Voice 1: Well, I wouldn’t expect to see them now, after I warned you about it. Eyebrow crumbs appear when you aren’t looking for them. Luckily, however, we have lots of options, depending on what the crumbs are.

Voice 2: [in resignation] The crumbs.

Voice 1: Yes, the ones in your eyebrows.

[awkward silence]

Voice 1: You’re not … sleeping on a slice of bread as some sort of odd moisturizing technique, are you?

Voice 2: No.

Voice 1: Because that would explain it. And since you’ve said in the past that you have to moisturize really heavily and that you have had psoriasis, the fans would completely buy that as an explanation.

Voice 2: [matter of factly] I do not sleep with food in my bed and I do not have crumbs in my eyebrows.

Voice 1: Yes, I didn’t think you were pasting bread to your pillow. More’s the pity, that would be easy to fix. Listen, Richard, this is what we’re going to do, and hopefully we can have the problem addressed by tonight’s performance.

Voice 2: What are we going to do? I am not going to do anything.

[Door opens.]

Voice 3: Hello, there, good morning, Richard, here’s your tea. And you might want to look at the latest Google alerts about [coughs] Richard’s eyebrow crumb problem.

Voice 2: [groans]

Voice 3: Nice to see you again, Richard.

[Door closes]

Voice 1: Just let me look at my mobile a moment, Richard.

[pauses]

Voice 1: Oh, this isn’t that bad, actually. It looks like the fans are sympathetic to your eyebrow crumbs.

Voice 2: [makes strangling noise]

Voice 1: Look at this, Richard!

Voice 2: [groans more loudly]

Voice 1: Obviously, the fans at least have decided to embrace your disability!

Voice 2: [dead-pan] How wonderful.

Voice 1: Of course, the general public may not see it that way and we need to address it as soon as possible. I’ve got a plan.

Voice 2: I do not have crumbs in my eyebrows and if I did, it would not be a disability.

Voice 1: [brightly] Well, your fans certainly see it that way! That’s good luck. But we need to deal with this.

Voice 2: What are you proposing?

Voice 1: Yael wants to rule out dandruff–

Voice 2: It’s not dandruff. I’m washing my hair twice a day now.

Voice 1: [resolutely] Yael thinks it could be dandruff, so first it’s off to the dermatologist for a checkup.

Voice 2: There is nothing in my eyebrows.

Voice 1: Then there’s the whole question of stress.

Voice 2: What do you mean, stress?

Voice 1: Well, perhaps stress is causing some [pauses] odd behavior. Maybe when you’re eating your lunch you’re unconsciously crumbling the crusts of bread into your eyebrows.

Voice 2: How could that be? This diet you have me on doesn’t allow me any bread!

Voice 1: Are you cheating on your diet?

Voice 2: No. That was my point.

Voice 1: In any case, you’ll see the dermatologist at 10, and if there’s no solution, the psychiatrist will see you at 11.

Voice 2:The psychiatrist?

Voice 1: Yes, the psychiatrist, just in case the stress is somehow causing your eyebrows to crumb.

Voice 2: I don’t have crumby eyebrows!

Voice 1: Well, you never know. You are under a lot of stress. Or maybe this is some late side effect of the Urban project coming home to roost.

Voice 2: What does that mean?

Voice 1: Well, you know, the research you were doing. Maybe you somehow picked up some crumbs from that estate in Leeds where you were filming.

Voice 2: That doesn’t even make any sense.

Voice 1: Or perhaps there’s some bleedover from the Birdwitharmsitage blog. I noticed they posted a new graphic this week.

Voice 2: What does that even mean?

Voice 1: Well, are you?

Voice 2: Am I what?

Voice 1: Putting crumbs in your eyebrows to attract birds?

Voice 2: WHAT?

[awkward silence]

Voice 1: Look, Richard, I don’t know why you have crumbs in your eyebrows, or why you can’t just admit it, but given all of the positive praise of these other reviews, we can’t let anything stand in your way now. Yael wants those crumbs out of your eyebrows and so do I. So it’s off to the dermatologist you go.

Voice 2: I AM NOT GOING TO A DERMATOLOGIST OR A PSYCHIATRIST! I DO NOT HAVE CRUMBS IN MY EYEBROWS!

Voice 1: Richard, you really need to stop yelling. It’s bad for your voice.

Voice 2: [strangled sound of exasperation]

[Door opens]

Voice 3: Excuse me, Richard, but here’s a special delivery package for you.

Voice 2: Hmm, what’s in here? [sound of someone opening package] Who sent this?

Voice 3: The card says: from a group of fans.

Voice 2: Oh, how sweet. I’m sure it’s chocolate or something. [continued sound of opening package] WHAT?? “PROFESSIONAL ACTORS EYEBROW CRUMB GROOMING SPA PACKAGE??”

[sound of package being hurled against the window]

[awkward silence]

Voice 1: [clears throat, nervously]

Voice 2: I apologize. Please take any costs for damages out of your commission.

Voice 1: [soothingly] Of course. And where are you going now?

Voice 2: [resigned]. Right-o. The dermatologist.

Voice 1: You can take your tea with you.

Voice 2: Are you sure that tea isn’t the cause of the crumbs?

Voice 1: No, but we have to get his under control as soon as possible, before Hollywood finds out about it.

Voice 2: What do you mean?

Voice 1: If you have crumbs in your eyebrows, you’ll never, ever live this down. Eyebrow crumbs have killed the careers of more people than I can name.

Voice 2: Can you give me an example?

Voice 1: No, because that’s how dead their careers are.

Voice 2: Oh, please.

Voice 1: And where will you go after the dermatologist?

Voice 2: [sighs] The psychiatrist.

Voice 1: Very good. Let me know how it goes. Don’t forget your eyebrow crumb grooming kit here.

Voice 2: Thanks.

Voice 1: And congratulations on all the rave reviews! I’m sure the Guardian and the Independent can’t be far behind.

Voice 2: Let’s hope.

[sound of slamming door]

[pause]

[sound of opening door]

Voice 3: [brightly] Well, he took that quite well, didn’t he?

***

[Before you get angry at me, read the word origin of the term “supercilious.”]

~ by Servetus on July 9, 2014.