Top ten healthy products I would like Richard Armitage to endorse

10. NoCoke

This is a new soft drink designed to aid addicts’ transition away from the ever-tempting Georgian nectar. It tastes just like Coke, but has no HFCS, no sugar, no artificial sweeteners, and none of those gut-biome-killing preservative thingies found in diet drinks. It’s just perfect in every way. I admit I haven’t ever located a can of it, but I am pretty sure that the Coca-Cola company is already secretly developing this drink, and I’m confident that the prospect of an endorsement from Richard Armitage would speed them up.

9. Coca-Cola

He just needs to do a little more really subtle product placement. Richard Armitage as John Proctor in Scene II of The Crucible, 2014.

Oops, just kidding. I actually don’t want to get off Coke. Most days anyway. But I drank it before I was an Armitage fan, and imagine I will drink it afterwards, too, if that day ever comes. Meanwhile I would like Richard Armitage to endorse Coca-Cola because I really despise Pepsi. And we know he drank it at least once. There was a witness!

8. Water

This wouldn’t be difficult, because he’s constantly photographed with water bottles — and they increase his kiss appeal. Screencap from footage of Richard Armitage at New York premiere of Into the Storm, August 2014.

I need him to endorse a kind of water that actually increases my energy, reduces silly food cravings, makes my skin glow, smooths out wrinkle lines, and adds $100 / hour to my bank account for every hour I spend fangirling. Apart from quenching my thirst, the kind I’m drinking at the moment has one main effect: the more I drink of it, the more often I have to pee. I’m sure that’s because I’m just drinking it from the tap. So if Armitage would endorse a brand that would live up to its press, I would so totally be there. Given all the bottles of water he has drunk, he should be an expert!

7. Fortnum & Mason Darjeeling FTGFOP

I’m really surprised the marketers were not all over this, long ago. Richard Armitage in episode 1 of North & South.

This is my favorite tea on the planet and I just got a stockup from my visiting friend. I love this tea because it feels and tastes elegant in my mouth, and because after a short, brief jolt, it calms me down. This is particularly useful for end-of-term grading, when it enhances my patient quotient by at least fifty percent. So I am eager for Richard Armitage to endorse it as a health product that reduces blood pressure. He could also find a scone recipe. Just sayin’. I’m guessing Fortnum and Mason didn’t jump on this because they have endorsement of like, the English royal family already, but you never know when you need a little help.

Of course: all things in moderation. Drinking 16 glasses a day has the same effect as drinking anti-freeze.

I do not want Richard Armitage to endorse anti-freeze. He’s natural, non-toxic anti-freeze, right?

6. Revolution Eugene Porter (beer)

This is kind of low-hanging fruit and I’m a bit surprised I’m the first one to suggest this. Richard Armitage as John Porter in Strike Back 1.6.

Has the same effect as the tea, and is a lot quicker. Staying calm in the face of frustrating student homeworks is a definite health plus. And my visiting friend also gave me two six-packs of it, so I know it works. Definitely a worthwhile endorsement possibility for the Armitage. Everyone knows that porter is “wholesome, nutritive and cooling.”

Not so sure about the cooling, though.

5. Dunkin’ Donuts chocolate cream-filled donuts

I admit this one is probably a long shot!

This isn’t actually healthy in the conventional sense, but I like it when famous people assert that my own preferences are healthy, even when they aren’t. This  item is also really useful in maintaining low blood pressure and mental health for teachers and professors. Plus: research shows that celebs who want to appeal to teens need to choose energy-dense, nutrient poor products, and this totally qualifies. Forget the Hobbit films — this endorsement will make him as popular as Justin Timberlake!

Finally, I’d love to see a photo of Armitage with a bit of frosting at the corner of his mouth. #sosexy #letmegetthatforyousweetie

4. Milk

You’re drinking your tea without milk? What an outrage! How can you even think of it? Richard Armitage as Mr. Thornton in episode 3 of North & South.

Goes well with the donuts. Also, goes over well with dairy producers, who were struggling to get their breakeven prices per hundredweight in Wisconsin this year. And here in Wisconsin, while no one’s telling us that dairy products aren’t healthy, it looks good to have Mr. Thornton standing up for us.

3. Science

Let’s start with something we can all agree on.

Not that it needs his endorsement — one quality of science being that it’s propositions are true independently of our belief in them — but you know. An awful lot of people seem to have rejected basic scientific truths lately. And at the very least: we should probably all get our childhood immunizations. Definitely healthy.

2. Carrots

An example of really skilled product placement.

After looking more closely at the picture above, I realized something that hadn’t occurred to me back in 2014: that the whole thing about choking on the piece of carrot in scene II was obviously a marketing ploy! This was definitely a product endorsement, as carrots are good for so many things, but in particular they enhance the amount of saliva in your mouth, which must be good for kissing.

Although consuming too many carrots can turn your skin orange, I am sure Richard Armitage wants to endorse anything that would improve kissing world-wide.

1. Ecstasy

OK, he’s not actually receiving a blow job here. But he sure looks like it. Richard Armitage as Lucas North in Spooks 7.7. Source: RichardArmitageNet.com

Which brings me to the final thing that I would like Richard Armitage to endorse for health reasons. I feel like he’s moving in this direction with the choice to read Wanderlust, but I want simply to emphasize that the more Os, the more relaxation in consequence. Also, experts estimate a caloric expenditure of 60 to 100 calories per event (plus any calories one uses for other activities like foreplay, etc.).

So there we go! More orgasms for everyone! Get on it, Richard Armitage!

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This was a spoof. A bit more seriously — a group of Armitage fans are writing a shared blog with healthy living tips and Richard Armitage photos. S/he who wishes to live more healthily with Armitage, let her click here!

~ by Servetus on January 23, 2018.