Catching up to myself

So, I suddenly live in a new city, and it still has a drive-in movie theatre, and Captain America is playing it at tonight. I’m not going there because it’s hard for me to see what the joy would be in sitting in my car with an open window in rather stifling humidity. But the concept is neat. I was in a drive-in theatre the last time to see Star Wars (the very first one, i.e., in the 1970s). Perhaps during the winter. The movie seems to be doing well: c. $143 million gross in 2.5 weeks. They’ve at least broken even now, and that total doesn’t count foreign gross.

I feel like if the blog is going to continue make sense I am going to have to say a little about what’s happened lately. I’d seen a few clear signs of malice toward me in May and June that made me think more anonymity would be a good thing, but my emotions are just a little too close to the surface right now for me to press them under constantly, and what I’ve learned from the blog and then the morning pages is that the writing one wants to do doesn’t get done when dealing with emotions takes all one’s conscious and subconscious energy. One only has so much energy to deal with the anxiety, and the only way to abate anxiety seems to be to express it. So bear with me — both for either TMI or things that I’m leaving a little vague.

I started writing this blog right around the point in time that I’d decided I wasn’t going to stay at my former institution. That decision coincided with what seemed to me like a decision to leave my profession — not a considered one, but one occasioned by utter breakdown. I’d been trying, unsuccessfully, to leave that job for at least five years. I could not make myself even look at job ads, let alone apply. The decision to give in to Armitagemania — which was really a decision to look closely at my fantasies and see what they were trying to tell me — thus fell roughly simultaneously with a decision not to force myself to do something I simply could no longer do. Both of these steps were huge for me. I prided myself on having an unusually sober glance at reality; and, until a few years ago I was always the person who could be counted on to do what needs to get done, no matter the cost. But the ongoing cynical instrumentalization of the things most important to me over years — my own decision to go along with my employer’s insistence that I exploit for reputation the things I held most dear — made me increasingly incapable of doing anything I wanted to do. All my life became focused on forcing myself to do the next thing I had to do, burning out both my willpower to do unpleasant things and my capacity for enjoyment of anything at all. I spent all my free time recovering from the pain of doing things I didn’t want to do and gearing up for the next occasion when I’d have to accomplish them. Paralysis and anhedonia were the linked results. Armitagemania offered the cure for both of those: I felt true pleasure again for the first time in years, and I was able to face the tasks I needed to do to leave. And I began writing the blog, another vote for pleasure and also a stab against paralysis.

The way the academic world works, decisions take a long time to play out. The job cycle for my profession in the U.S. starts in late August of one year and most people are hired in February or March of the next year to start in August or September. There are a few exceptions to this pattern, and the current economic situation adds a fair amount of chaos, but in general if you don’t apply in a particular cycle you risk unemployment for at least a year. I didn’t apply because I simply couldn’t. Last March something odd happened, and my feelings about the whole thing changed, partially because of the ongoing prayers for discernment, partially due to a weird accident. I still knew I couldn’t force myself to enter the market, but I decided that if something happened to me to keep me in the profession, I would accept it as providence. Four opportunities presented themselves with no initiative on my part. The first one primarily served as something for me to think about to avoid anxiety; the second was largely a pipe dream on the part of the person who sought it, and evaporated quickly — thankfully, as it would have been a hard pill to swallow; the third was the interview that made me want to vomit, and the fourth was the last second job offer, received after I’d long assumed the moment had passed, but / and only two days after I’d completed the move to my parents and was ready to start looking for a new life. After some consultation with my parents about the situation, and at their vehement urging, I took that job.

They regretted their urging almost immediately, but only after I’d signed the contract. Arrangements have been made. My mother’s physical health is much better than when we made the original plan for me to move back. I was worried about her emotional health, but two really awful days at the end of July made her realize that her insistence that she would “be just fine” was largely illusory. She saw that if I weren’t going to be around, she needed to take the initiative to help herself: she now has some of the logistical and emotional help she needs in place to keep her life going the way she wants to. My father’s physical health is no better, but there’s a neighbor who hangs around a lot, someone about my age, who’s a good friend. I can get back much more quickly from here if I need to: my new city has hourly flights to the closest airport hub to my home town, better than the three flights a day from my last residence.

So I remain ambivalent. I abandoned the plan that seemed right to me and most necessary to my family. I’m working again in a profession I had resolved to leave, doing a series of tasks about which I ended my last job feeling highly ambivalent, living far away from home in a city I’d never have dreamed of living in, in a climate that to me is more than unpleasant. The next point at which I could quit this job is January. At the same time, I never had an alternative plan that wasn’t vague. My need to leave was always born out of a rejection of continuing to participate in a system where I was in line to damage others in the same crippling ways that I’d been damaged, and out of the ever-present hum in my mind of a conviction that I was failing at everything — never out of a vision of something I wanted to do more, but only glimpses of what I might do. It seemed foolhardy, if not downright wasteful, to be unemployed intentionally in a situation where millions are unemployed against their will. This year, I hope in my optimistic moments, will be a chance to see more clearly what the problem was with the university for me, or a chance to formulate more fully an alternative plan: an extension of the time to pray for discernment, perhaps the chance to recover a sense of vocation or find one somewhere else. On a minute to minute basis, it’s unbelievably anxiety ridden, as I yet again encounter a new geography, new people, new contexts.

My Armitage-related fantasy life has again escalated beyond belief. Porter was on the bus with me today, Lucas in the human resources office, Harry at the parking office. But I am not going to beat up on myself for this: I am going to keep looking right at those fantasies and try to figure out what they are telling me about myself.

And yeah, there’ll be more Armitage analysis along the way. Because in some ways the recovery of my ability to think was a central moment of this blog, and I need to stay there if I’m going to continue to write at all.

Thanks for your patience. Back to the usual, soon.

***

Happy Birthday month Richard Armitage! In honor of this event, consider donating your time, energy, and thoughts / prayers to an effort that’s meaningful to you. If you need a suggestion, here’s a link to Mr. Armitage’s recommended charities at JustGiving, as well as a link to means of generating a charity contribution on his behalf at RichardArmitageOnline.com, and a link to Act!onAid, a child sponsorship organization for which he recorded a voiceover in December 2010. Donate to Christchurch Earthquake Appeal here.

~ by Servetus on August 9, 2011.

55 Responses to “Catching up to myself”

  1. I do understand where you are coming from about feeling uncomfortable about purposefully being without a job when so many people are actively looking and have been for months and months without any luck. I get so aggravated with my own work at times–being overworked and underpaid–but I also consider the alternative, no steady income, no insurance . . . and I am getting to do what I really, really like to do. Write.

    If this isn’t right for you, it isn’t forever. Perhaps you will find yourself enjoying teaching once more in a setting. Perhaps you will not, but you may never know if you didn’t take the opportunity.

    Why do you think I enjoy imagining Harry banging about in my kitchen, Porter flipping through the satelllite channels and Guy stuffing his face on my junk food while he trades barbs with Soldier Boy? It makes me happy, it relieves tension, it fuels my imagination.

    Of course, I wish you all the very best.
    You know we wil always be here, ready to share whatever you choose to offer with us. We’ll leave the light on. 🙂

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    • You guys have been great.

      I realized while I was reading your comment that a big component of the sadness I am feeling at the moment is that being overwhelmed prevents enjoyment and the transitory nature of this job does, too: I’ll meet a lot of new people — and then I’ll move away in a year. I’m always the one who’s leaving — friends, parents, lover, etc. Nine months here, a year there. So the stability of this virtual community is really important to me, and I am grateful for it.

      I thought after six weeks of housekeeping that the real difference between a professor and a housekeeper is that everyone assumes a professor wants to be alone to think and write, and equally, everyone assumes a housekeeper has no need for those things. I also think I’ll get more written this year than I would have at home.

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      • I think we all need some stability, a sense of rootedness. I live only a short walk away from the house in which I grew up–which sometimes tends to overwhelm me with memories both good and bad–and almost everyday I see or talk with someone who has known me for years, in some cases, my entire life (although there are fewer and fewer of those).
        But many people don’t have that; they move frequently, or their neighbors do, they don’t know their neighbors–there isn’t that sense of long-term connection. I think an online community such as we have here certainly can give us a sense of stability.
        Sort of like our version of Cheers–“You want to go where everybody knows your name.” 😀

        As for needing quiet and solitude to write–I truly wish I could make our office manager understand when I am in writing mode, I do NOT want her (or anybody else) hanging over my cubicle wall chattering away. She is going through a bad time–a divorce from a guy whose had affairs with four different women since 2006 and is living with the latest one–and I do feel for her, but I need to be able to hear myself think. *sigh*

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    • Hi Angie, I really enjoy your sloth ficlets with all the characters lounging about, sizing each other up, and interacting with the cats (and your hubby)! Thanks for putting those out there!

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      • Oh, thank you! 😀 I confess I do have an extra-special place in my heart for Sloth Fic, which of course was inspired by a comment our own dear Servetus made. I have been pleasantly overwhelmed by the positive response to those little flights of fancy. I like to think Richard himself would get a good chuckle over the lads’ antics.

        Glad you enjoy!

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  2. I used to think your fantasy life about Richard was a bit over the top and strange, truthfully. I realized recently that it isn’t, its just that I don’t know you so the TMI of it made me uncomfortable. The reason I know it isn’t over the top is because a brilliant, beautiful woman I love and care for does the same thing. He advises and comforts her, and apparently he is brilliant at it. So I am writing to apologize for not understanding.

    I wish you the best…perhaps you are exactly where G-d wants you to be. I’m still the optimist.

    Ann Marie

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    • No need for apologies. I think most of us don’t understand our fellow humans all that well. We can try for more understanding but ultimately we’re stuck in our own bodies.

      I keep thinking of Mr. Armitage’s quote that at some point you realize that if there was anything else you could be doing, you’d be doing it.

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      • See, he is really good at this advising stuff! LOL

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      • ahh, I didn’t know this quote from Armitage. But isn’t this one of the million reasons that we love him? He is so connected to us. In this quote he reveals his struggle as an actor, just like the struggle we have in our career path. He is fantasy yet we can still feel him as a real person. Who else can have both effects on us?

        I wish you well Servetus, i have enjoyed your writing very much — you always bring the freshest perspective and most intellient analysis. I think fantasy is somewhat like religions — it is something you hold on to when ones life is in a little bit chaos, it’s something that makes you get up in the morning and carry through the day. Its theraputic and no need to feel shame about it.

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  3. Fully agree with Angie. I just cannot really keep my eyes open right now and so deeper sense must follow at a later time, but we are here to share hard times with you and get you through them, Servetus! Thank you for sharing your story and sorrows with us.

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  4. I’ve had this phrase from Nelson Mandela to Calexora today: I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul. This thought was running in my mind all day, strengthening my choices, always my fears. And when reading your article, I feel the same resolution, to be lady of her own destiny. Like CDoart, thank you for sharing your experience life.

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    • Those are lines from my mom’s favorite poem. I have mixed feelings about the poem, but I am thankful for the words from you.

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  5. Servetus, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

    You know I, too, have had some really difficult events happen within the last few months, but I want to say how much your blog and e-mails have helped take my mind off my own sorrows and given me great comfort.

    My very best wishes for happiness in your new city and new employment hoping that it turns out to be more fulfilling than you expect and bring you joy.

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  6. Servetus, thank you for sharing this catch up blog and for creating this blogspace where we can both gather strength and offer strength, regardless of where it is we happen to be sitting in the world.

    I am flying back to London tomorrow night, and am a little nervous given the images I’ve seen lately on the news…

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    • yeah, news reports are a bit disturbing, aren’t they?

      hope you had a safe trip — and I’ll catch you on the flip side …

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  7. Wow! You have certainly had a lot of changes in your life lately. That alone is very stressful. I had no idea how severely depressed you had been when you started your blog. Armitage Therapy indeed! He could actually be canonized some day! (I’m only partly kidding!)
    Thank you for letting us know a bit more about your life. I find it hard to understand a person without those important details. I am sorry that you have had unfriendly remarks sent your way. You certainly don’t deserve them.
    I hope your new life brings you some peace and pleasure and of course I hope you keep writing (for my own pleasure). Are your nieces too far away or too young to come for an occasional visit? Maybe that might solve the Aunt issue?
    All my best to you dear Servetus. I am still reading even if I don’t always comment!

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    • I think he’s helped a lot of people out of bad situations. I’m sure he has some idea of this, as people write to him, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s saved more tha one life.

      My nieces are 6 and 8, so probably flyable, but I don’t have time to watch them closely when I work, and I doubt their mother would let them fly alone.

      I’ve grateful that you read — no pressure, ever, to comment, as I have a hard time with that, too.

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  8. Good luck!!! Life can be so scary, but also exciting, like an adventure. You never know what could be around the corner for you.

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  9. Hi Servetus. I have been reading your blog lately, but not ever commented, but I couldn’t let this post go by commenting or I would feel like a voyeur of someone else’s troubles. I am sorry you are having such a hard time with everything, but I hope you can see your obsession as a coping mechanism rather than a symptom of not coping. I have always tended to get obsessed with something when I am stressed, often a TV show. Of course moving house is always right up there on lists as one of the most stressful life events! I remember a few years ago when we moved interstate, I spent the first year in the new city obsessively watching Deep Space 9 and Enterprise. Looking back at that time, I imagine an external observer might say I was depressed and that the obsession was a symptom. However when I think of that time I remember how enjoyable it was to immerse myself in that fantasy world, and how it was much easier to face up to all the scary real life stresses of moving, because I was using my viewing habits as an escape and coping mechanism. Then when I was ready I stopped.
    Look after yourself.

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    • Thanks for the comment, TigerFilly, and welcome to the blog.

      I really do see it as a creative coping mechanism, at least most of the time. Every now and then I worry.

      Thanks much for sharing your experience and your sympathy — both are much appreciated.

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    • Yay you’ve brought up Star Trek!! Are you familiar with the character of Reginald Barclay (from Star Trek The Next Generation)? There is one episode of Star Trek Voyager that does a FANTASTIC job of showing the positive influences of fantasy in coping with stress and isolation. In fact, it’s the interactions with these fantasy ‘holodeck creations’ that inspire Barclay to achieve the technical breakthroughs necessary to communicate with the real stranded crew of Voyager! (It also covers some of the potential obsession pitfalls.)

      The episode is called “Pathfinder”. I’ve only seen it once but I thought the topic and writing were pure genius at the time… and seems to run parallel to what we’ve been talking about here in this forum (‘real people’ vs. ‘customized fantasy versions’ or ‘characters’, who are vital to helping move US forward in breakthrough ways’).

      Servetus, I’m not sure if you know the Star Trek characters, but you might find this particular episode interesting… Barclay’s interactions with his ‘holodeck fantasy versions’ aren’t just there to help him ‘cope’ or ‘get by’, though that element is also included in the story line. The fantasy creations kept him connected and focused on something vitally important to him (finding the real stranded Voyager crew), they understood and supported him implicitly (he designed them after all, based on personality profiles obtained on crew members), and they kept his spirits up in the face of impossibly defeating odds. Most importantly, they let him know that he was not alone in attempting his impossible endeavor.

      It seems to me you’ve got a brilliant holodeck program going for yourself…

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      • I’ll have to check that out. I remember the episode where Barclay had to be prevented from using the Holodeck because he was using it solely for escapism.

        The Servetus holodeck has the advantage of being simple — it doesn’t have to run all programs, only those involving Richard Armitage 🙂

        Great analogy. Very provocative.

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  10. It is hard slog, by the look of things, and it’s easy to think of where you are now as being where you’re stuck forever.

    From the outside, though, what is happening is movement along stepping stones to the shore. Stepping stones are precarious, uncomfy places that just aren’t meant for settling on.

    You have great qualifications, a formidable intellect, a nicely twisted sense of humour, and you’re working on yourself in ways most people don’t. Whenever you find yourself flailing around, feeling like you’re adrift on tides pulling you from shore, turn around and see how far you are from where you set out. I went through my Morning Pages recently, and looked back through my journal, and realised that I’m not where I want to be yet, and the progress I’ve made is far, far greater than I knew. And I’d begun the day feeling utterly stuck, mentally self-flagellating. I don’t know where I’m going, yet going somewhere I am. And so are you.

    If I meet you on the road, I promise not to kill you. You’ll get tea, biccies, and a cheery wave on your way.

    You will make it to shore.

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    • This is a nice extended metaphor, and the larger point is correct. I’ve come a long way, baby. I’m glad to hear that you have, too, even when you feel stuck.

      Looking forward to the cookies 🙂

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  11. Servertus, I have always enjoyed your blog and appreciate your honesty, your sharing of ever-so-amazing and spot-on RA analysis, and more importantly, sharing of yourself. I truly believe your RA fantasies are presenting themselves to help you process where you are and to guide you in your decisions. Take care and I hope your new life will bring peace and clarity.

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  12. Is life like surfing – the waves that lift us and then plunge us? I’m so appaled, servetus,that you had hostile reactions this summer to the blog. Don’t understand this at all. But it’s their problem, not yours. There be sharks in those waters.

    And now, a city with a drive-in movie place! Fond summer memories of son and friend in the back seat, sharing space with a snoring 70-pound dog and scattered popcorn…alas, drive-in closed a few years ago. But the memories and sound of canine snoring and scent of popcorn are alive and well 😀

    Doesn’t Moving On involve taking all the best to a new environment, while retaining your own skills, learning, your ties to the signifant people in your life, and renewal, without loss of yourself? Never lose your self and retain Armitagemania as long as it serves your inner self.

    the very best wishes and bravo!!

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    • I think that people don’t get why I am writing, and that’s okay. I don’t / didn’t always get it, either. I confess to things that trouble people, and that’s disturbing. It’s fine. It’s just that I don’t want to fall victim to my own honesty at the hands of someone who thinks she’s doing the right thing by exposing me some how.

      This is actually a great city, as I learned yesterday on a six hour bus trip provided by my new employer. The Moving On metaphor is apt.

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  13. @uk expat, I hope return to London will be better than it looks at present. Having had lengthy stays there, going to school there, and working there, London and England are very close to heart. From a distance, it seems like the Blitz. But with all the instant communications of our period in history, it can always seem worse to those back home. Best wishes for the flight and return. All will be well.

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    • Hi Fitzg! Thank you so much for this note!! I would LOVE to know the areas of London that are dear to your heart (hopefully you have some good food options, too!) Can I ask what country you are located in now?

      This is my third year of working in London, but due to previous work schedules that required my presence in US cities and London throughout the year, I simply stopped seeing London as anything other than ‘yet’ another city where my job would exhaust and flatline me. This is just another reason why I appreciate this blog and the grounding influence of its members!

      London appears a little calmer today with the increased ground presence of police.

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      • Well, I’d tell you to get out there and enjoy London, but I don’t want to burden you with yet more work.

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  14. Hey, Serv, seems like we are in very similar circumstances. I am currently dealing with my aging mom (she had a stroke about a month ago but has been declining mentally for several years) and leaving a job “where everybody knows my name” for a position which is financially advantageous but will not nearly be as warm and welcoming. Lots of tears this week!! Hubby thinks I need to use common sense (go for the better paying job) but he doesn’t appreciate how tough it is to say goodbye to people who you consider friends as well as coworkers.

    So, I can completely understand the part that RA plays in your life right now. Sometimes a little bit of your blog, or a fanfic or some videos on You Tube can be the only calm part of my day. If Lucas or John Porter can get rid of the butterflies in my stomach for a while, more power to them.

    And shame on someone for making unkind comments to you! It’s apparent that many, many people enjoy reading your blog, me being one of them. If others disagree with you, or don’t approve of your subject matter, then don’t read it. But speaking for those of us who DO enjoy hearing from you, keep up the good work, and good luck in RL.

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    • I’m so sorry about your mom’s downturn, and I sympathize with the job issue. I really do think that we need to use the things that strengthen us to keep ourselves and calm and moving forward.

      Best wishes on the new job — I’m sure you’ll eventually find your niche, but oh, do I ever understand about the anxiety.

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  15. I really admire you for how you handle such a huge change in your life. And with all my heart I wish you all the best. I hope that what is waiting just around the corner, fully satisfy you.

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  16. Servetus, I always read your blog because I do appreciate your honesty, your unique perspective and wonderful RA analyses, and your willingness to share of yourself. I rarely comment, but somehow it seemed almost wrong to read of your troubles and say nothing. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. You have certainly had a lot of change in your life lately and endured a great deal of stress.

    I did not know how you were feeling when you started your blog but Armitage Therapy is a great thing, you know. I believe your RA fantasies are a coping mechanism: in no way do I see them as an indication of not coping. Perhaps they help you figure things out and help you think clearly. I only know my own RA obsession has helped me though some very difficult and stressful times and, I am not as eloquent as you so I cannot quite explain how and why; I just see it is my little oasis away from all the stress, aggrevation and worry.

    I hope there are some good things round the corner for you and if the job doesn’t work out; it is not for ever and at least it may help clarify for you whether it is the teaching, of itself, or the location that do not work for you.

    Please look after yourself. Wishing you well.

    Ladyj

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    • No pressure, EVER, to comment, Ladyj. Thanks for the reminder about this not being forever, too.

      I really do think fantasies tell us things we can’t admit consciously. Lately for me, I think they are frequently about believing that I can trust myself.

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  17. You are a intelligent woman, you can analyze yourself and the situation you are in, so the solution will come in time. I can understand where you’re coming from…the frustrations you encounter in your profession. Also the realization that in RL changes are not easy to implement. Sometimes,time,logic perseverance and belief in oneself are the best healer ……that you’ve done your darn best.

    Please don’t forget the blessings that come your way, above all, you’re healthy and still young to face life’s challenges and you’ve got your family support albeit other members have their own problems. Don’t we have all…Nobody is immune to it. Others carry their load with aplomb, others succumb to it. In the end, It’s you and you alone who can make the right decisions about the choices laid infront of you.

    May you be enlightened by Armitagemania along the way…..easing the burden! LOL

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  18. I’m sorry to hear your in this position, but I sure am glad that you can put such passion into your blog. I really enjoy reading it. I’ll be praying that things improve for you!

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    • Thanks for the comment, Noelle. Knowing that I have this passion often makes the other things more bearable.

      Like

  19. Your post has made me realise in what luxury I live. Unlike you, I do have a safety net for when I’m unemployed, and it’s from my government. I am lucky to be in that position to have that at my disposal. By no means is it a big pay out, but it does mean I can still pay my bills etc.
    So it has given me the opportunity, and most importantly, time to really figure out what to do next. Vague plans sound familiar, but the luxury of time has given me the tools to make those plans more tangible.

    I hope that you too get the same opportunity in the near future. But in the meantime, good luck with your present situation.

    Like

    • Despite its rather cutthroat capitalist reputation, the US does have unemployment insurance, and I’ve been paying in since I was 21. (Actually I’ve been working regularly at least parttime since I was 16 but I don’t think I was paying in until I was employed fulltime as an adult.) I’ve never had to collect unemployment benefits. I think right now I could have collected for a year or slightly over a year. I was going to look into it when I got home and then never did. But it’s not really socially acceptable here to collect unemployment (in comparison, e.g., to in Germany, where I’ve known plenty of people who did it for shorter or longer people). I also would have felt guilty. My plan was to apply and collect for a few months while I oriented myself, got my parents organized, and thought about whether to go back to school or get some kind of retraining.

      The real reason to keep working in the US, though, is health ins. I don’t have any chronic diseases, but although US guarantees access to one’s previous insurance plan after terminating, the cost would have doubled, and I couldn’t have afforded it.

      Thanks for your good wishes.

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      • At first I felt guilty as well, as a matter of fact I was very reluctant to apply for such benefits. But then I realised that I’ve been paying my part as well so I might as well use it, for it was created for these purposes. Unfortunately with the economic downturn, things haven been tough on the jobmarket, so I also thought I might as well make use of the time given to me. I may not get another chance or it might be too late.
        Thankfully I don’t need to work to get affordable health insurance, nor will it bankrupt me.

        Now things are set in motion and I finally feel I’m headed in the right direction, and most importantly it feels right.

        There is no right or wrong about this, only what feels ok at the moment. So while you may not be over the moon with your current position, it most certainly took you one step closer to whatever you are looking for.

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        • See, I knew I should have stayed in Europe 🙂

          Seriously, though, I hope that your direction takes you where you want to go. I’m trying to stay calm here. Probably not being as serious as people wish I would be, but I don’t have a lot of that left in me at the moment 🙂

          Like

  20. I hope everything works out for you. You have a new job and a new town to explore … new experiences to have, new encounters to make. Either way, you’ll come out of it having learned something new, about yourself or the world or other people. 🙂 I agree with other commentators here – you’re intelligent and skilled and passionate, so you’re sure to land on your feet. Good luck! x

    Like

    • thanks for the wishes. It’s been refinding the passion that’s been most crucial. Hope I can hang onto it.

      Like

  21. […] haven’t written much yet about the job aspects of work since changing jobs, partially to maintain my anonymity, but mostly because I haven’t known what to write. I was […]

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  22. […] when I came to this job, I was in that position of having what I was doing not fit especially well with where I […]

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