It’s still you, Richard Armitage

Lucas North (Richard Armitage) invites Maya Lahan (Laila Rouass) into his apartment in Spooks 9.3. My cap, edited to make Armitage’s face more visible. Don’t ask me what I’m going to do with this meme once I turn fifty …

***

A year ago, today.

Two years ago, today. When you appeared on that birthday, I knew I wouldn’t be able to walk away anymore.

What a splendid birthday present you are. Every single day.

***

Richard Armitage, first cast press conference for The Hobbit, February 11, 2011, Wellington, New Zealand. Source: RichardArmitageNet.com

***

So I said before I wanted to get back to desire and love and flow and my birthday seems like as good of a time as any to make that move, to try to move away from constipation, which seems to have as much to do, still, with my fears about my feelings as it does about my fears about what could happen in my life. But as I learned over the last year, love casts out fear.

******

When I look at you, Richard Armitage, a smile I can’t hide colonizes my face and spreads down, second by second, to my heart and trunk and limbs and right out to the tips of my fingers. I look at you till I feel like my whole body is involved. My nostrils widen and my heart beats faster and my shoulders drop and I breathe more deeply and my eyes flash and I grin.

It’s a smile that takes no prisoners because everything it encounters wants to surrender to its energy and heat and sheer euphoria.

When this happens, I am reminded of how much I love. Not what I love, but how much. How much is there, if I just don’t forget it or let myself block it.

You open up all the places that light can get in. And once the light’s in, I can push it out again where other people can see it.

Watching you teaches me how to live in flow.

I see you and your work and I can remember my own emotions without danger and sometimes I can even love myself.

Looking at your work reminds me that I can love as deeply as I can breathe — expelling it all out not just in the smile you always engender, but in words and then in the way I treat the next person I see. I can remember this love when I’m exasperated or frightened. It makes feeling sad more tolerable and turns quotidian happiness into exuberance.

Loving you from afar makes me feel like a wonderwoman of love. Love that I can bathe myself in, that I can share with other people, that I can use to change the way I interact with the world.

Watching your work and reading about how you do it has taught me how to walk into anxious situations without fear.

From you I have learned to raise my sword, even when I am afraid.

Thinking about you makes me dream the most dramatic, expansive, exhilarating dreams. You remind who I am and who I could be.

~ by Servetus on February 11, 2013.