Blogging it as it comes

[sorry, this is not the most cheerful post. feel free to disregard. you do not need to cheer me up.]

From Free Will Astrology. I usually read these over a beer on Thursday nights right before bed, at the Best Bar on the Planet, but I got early notice of them this week. First, there’s this; no comment:

Screen shot 2015-07-15 at 10.05.26 PMAnd then there’s mine, which is just bizarrely accurate, and probably even more stunning if you know that Scarlett O’Hara is a personal role model of mine in certain respects. (No, I’m not that much of a flirt, nor a gambler, nor an adventuress, nor do I do things to provoke people on purpose just to see how they will react. Also, I have never said “fiddle dee dee.” Do people actually say that?) As I’ve said several times on blog, her line after Rhett Butler walks out on her is a key life insight for me. “I’ll think about it tomorrow,” when the events of today are too much. Totally a coincidence that the astrologer picked Scarlett to reference.

I’ve never seen myself as Rhett. But why not? I’m not a profiteer — but I spend a lot of time trying to put people back together when I can. I love things, hopelessly, that will never love me back and have never really cared what it costs. The question for Rhett was: when do you walk away?

Screen shot 2015-07-15 at 10.02.32 PM***

On the whole, I’m not a walker away. Cf: Scarlett O’Hara is a personal hero. It’s been a very exasperating week at work. Lots of metaphorical chickens coming home to roost. Cf. “sunk cost fallacy.” So. much. anger.

On the office level, I’m the “omnicompetent individual” which leads to problems. On the personal level, I am the person who will listen. At 5:00, after a thirty minute phone call with someone haranguing me for something I didn’t do and had no control over (cf. “low level administrator, watching the wheels go round and round, didn’t want the responsibility of being a professor anymore”) I said, quite firmly, “I’ve told you who you need to call, I can’t do anything to alter this situation, you’ll have to address it with [him],” and when he didn’t back off, I said, “I’m sorry, I need to leave,” and hung up.

I have worked 30 years to get to this point, to be able to recognize the point at which nothing is to be won, to be in a position to disengage unilaterally — and to do so.

Even so, last night I had two greasy kosher hotdogs for dinner. There are starting to be days now — middle age is a bitch — when I can’t eat enough to eat all of my feelings. I think the four year break shrunk my stomach.

***

As I said to someone this morning, every time I reanimate my Richard Armitage tulpa, @RCArmitage comes along and kicks him in the balls.

***

I was in a meeting this week where I was trying to learn (with a group of people) the twisty protocols for placing a petition for reinstatement to the university after academic dismissal, and someone said to me, after I had confessed I didn’t know something, “You know, you don’t always have to admit everything right away, if you were quieter, people would think you were smarter,” and I said, “Yes, I do, because I grew up in the Midwest,” and she said,” See, that’s what I thought, you’re just like Rose on the Golden Girls.”

I don’t look like Betty White; it’s not the most obvious simile; maybe it’s better than either Rhett Butler or Scarlett O’Hara; and it’s definitely not the worst comparison anyone’s ever made about me. I could have gone to St. Olaf. I tell obscure stories about odd things that happened in my childhood. People think my background quaint, picturesque, and weird.

***

 This was the week I had to renew the domain names I’m roosting on in conjunction with this blog, and it came down to the wire, but I did it. See above, sunk cost fallacy.

Or is it? How many foolish things have I done since 2006?

***

I got my student evaluations today. It’s going to be hard to live them down.

***

I’ve been hit on at the Best Bar on the Planet twice in the last three weeks. No sexual contact since Black Hat. I have a deal with the bartenders to hep fend these guys off when it happens — no, it’s not all that often — and they’ve been doing their job. Am I giving of some kind of weird hormone all of a sudden? Does the universe want me to get my ashes hauled before it’s too late?

***

I hate it when my mind is in neutral and I think and can’t stop and turn around and around in my thoughts without any gear engaging.

***

I’d rather be writing. It’s hard to write while I’m watching the tulpa gasp for breath. In situations like this I used to write spoofs, but since Cybersmile I have no idea, anymore, what kind of joke might even be permissible. Maybe I should publish my current list of plausible spoof topics so at least someone else can write them.

***

I hate it when I can’t pull myself out of a bad mood.

***

I can’t escape the feeling that — as per the entire shtick of this blog all along — that putting the broken thing back together is somehow enmeshed with putting myself back together.

***

I don’t know how to mend this type of thing very well.

~ by Servetus on July 16, 2015.

75 Responses to “Blogging it as it comes”

  1. I have no idea what kind of astrologer this guy is, but he’s a great, engaging writer… lots of fun and also thought-provoking.
    I think the 1st link to the “Richard Armitage tulpa” is bad, it made me log in & told me I couldn’t edit the post.
    I’m afraid this sounds like a bad Kung Fu quote, but I think sometimes the biggest hurdle is fully realizing that when something’s mended, it’s different than it was before. In some ways better, in some ways worse. Then being able to accept that.
    Hugs. My brain, too, is like a gerbil stuck on its wheel.

    Like

  2. But hey, I’m thrilled to hear about the domain name renewal 🙂 🙂

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  3. Serious stuff. On an unserious note, my nickname is Scarlett (cause my last name is O’Hara). And I read Gone With The Wind at least six times starting when I was 14 and I cry and cry every time when Melody dies. Scarlet is a good role model to have — when all seems lost, that’s when she digs in and gets going. Tomorrow is another day.

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    • She is really tough. I’m not a bully like that — but she also never asks anything of anyone else that she wouldn’t do herself.

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  4. Heh. You sound like I feel.

    Re: your tulpa – As an old fart fangurl, I can say with 98% certainty that fans eventually (some later than others) go through a phase when the tulpa is challenged by a brush with crush “reality.” Only twice in my personal experience has it been a deal-breaker and I walked away. The fantasy imploded and could not be repaired, probably because I lost too much respect. But usually, the crushing evolves? subsides? transforms? into something else that is less intense, but no less… inspiring and enjoyable…for want of better words, than before.

    Re: humorous snippets – Not permissible to whom and after five years why does it matter? There will always be people who won’t get it and object. I say Spoof Away! 🙂

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    • I think part of the problem is that the issue isn’t about respect, as much as it is about inspiration / aspiration.

      I feel like what he wrote in those Cybersmile pieces basically undermines all fan activity that isn’t “how beautiful this is” and uplifting.

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  5. How would writing spoofs possibly run afoul of the humour police at CyberSmile? Something you think is funny someone else doesn’t. So now you are a cyber bully? Fiddle De de. Put on your best southern belle simper
    and go for it. My yorkie’ s name is Scarlett Ohara Jones. She is irresistible and always gets the best meat at the barbecue provided by the cutest men.
    I have a poem dedicated to RA’ s painted butt crack percolating. No one can be offended because he introduced the topic, and I assume he found it amusing.

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      1. “Empathy is a great way to ‘plug in’….”would I say this to; my Mum?….my child?….my best friend?….my loved one?….,” If the answer is no, then don’t write it,” — nothing I say in those spoofs would I say to my mother or my nieces. Although they were never meanspirited in intent, each one of them was understood to be so by someone.
      2. “I have the mantra, “there will always be one”; The class clown who makes a crack at someone else’s expense for a cheap laugh, (professional comedians take note) the so called “friend” who you catch giggling in a corner with the others.” — IMO this is pretty much anti-humor. I make jokes at Armitage’s expense.

      I would love to see that poem!

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      • I will work on it and send it to you. But I don’t think I have enough nerve to have it “out there” for my mum, child, best friend. loved one… whoever. Wait, except for the child, no one else would be harmed or give a rat’s crack. I had forgotten his assault on cheap laughs. At the time I wondered what expensive laughter would cost. Would it be more expensive than his big dwarf hands causing disappointment when peeing? Was that joke appropriate?

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        • I know. I know. This is one of those things that just jerks back and forth through my brain. You plan a serial murderer who’s pictured with bloody body parts in his mouth. You make dick jokes. All. the. time. You talk about your buttocks in public and tweet pictures of them which you cattily cover up with a Chinese character … and expect me not to make cheap jokes?

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          • And you didn’t even touch every base here 🙂 This is why we love you 🙂

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          • I understand your disappointment and idleness 🙂 .
            To make cheap jokes is a way not to frontally critisize or bully . Perhaps can you return to substantive analysis , that I do love 🙂
            For example :
            °° when he spoke about been naked half movie or when he exposed his naked body , may be you could write about ” the body in art as historian ” ?
            °°or the expression of the body in the various arts ?
            °°or wonder why he does those naked expositions , what does it means to him ? Is it a diversion not to speak his thoughts and to avoid revealing his private life ? Or to draw viewers and fans to his physical to sell his movies or give new interest to a series ?

            The last weeks can UNFORTUNATELY provide you lot of subjects to find inspiration in , I think . Naturally if you agree and like to .

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            • Another subject flippancy versus staying serious , when eveything is allowed with notoriety .

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            • yeah, I’m not done writing lengthy analysis … I just have to be in an emotional place to write it where I haven’t been in quite a while.

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        • This. Thank you 🙂

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  6. It’s good to hear from you.

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    • 🙂 If you mean me, thanks. I know replies get out of order, so if your kind comment doesn’t refer to me, no worries.

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    • If you meant me, thanks — I know it’s been a lot of Richard Armitage lately and not much me. I just have been really uncertain whether most of what I want to write lately is okay to publish.

      Like

  7. Gah, 2am and insomnia again. Well, my grandmother used to say “Fiddle dee dee” all the time. And she grew up in Wisconsin. Go figure. I have to say, I really adore the image of your reanimated Richard Armitage Tulpa (I picture it/him sort of gimping along with a few bandages and maybe a crutch) trying to carry on with business as usual when along comes @RCArmitage to kick him where it counts… you’re funny even when you’re in a bad mood. =)

    Like

  8. I recently did one of these stupid facebook polls “what gone-with-the-wind character are you?” … and ended up as Rhett. But I’m also rather good at glueing pieces together (5 years of modell building while studying architecture are good practise). Now what?

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    • great question.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I normally really have no problem to walk away from people, who are starting to annoy me or proved themselves “unworthy” … but maybe you know this feeling, as you are an aquarius yourself: when something REALLY piques my interest AND is kind of elusive, I’m a) hooked and b) will pursue this object with every finesse I’m capable of and with the stubbornness of all donkeys in the world combined.
        Drat, I feel the urge of loudly swearing in german coming up again. Maybe I should start with an Armitage abstinence for about one week … so I finally get some real life work done. Speak you soon – I hope.

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        • yeah, I actually have an ADD diagnosis because of that tendency. If it interests me, I’m frighteningly hyperfocused, to the point that it disturbs other people.

          Liked by 1 person

  9. “I’ll think about it tomorrow” and in the meantime will bury myself in more enjoyable things is my mantra. Until it absolutely can not be avoided anymore and I have to deal with whatever is/was looming… Hang in there – tomorrow may be better…

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    • let’s hope 🙂 I hope @RCArmitage limits himself to tweeting about his work for a while now. A good year or so would be just fine 🙂

      Like

  10. […] of this scheme, I found it rather funny when last night, suffering from a bout of insomnia, I read a post by Servetus that included a couple of Horoscopes (one for RA and one for Servetus) that seemed to be spot on for […]

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  11. sounds like we’re on similar pages regarding the RA tulpa. the yo-yo-ing back and forth is exhausting. but on a brighter note, the Aquarius horoscope sounds promising. and my grandmother says “fiddle dee dee”

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    • Maybe it’s a generational thing!

      Yo-yo-ing: yes, totally.

      Like

      • Same here. The latest developments leave me bemused, not only because of RA though. But I don’t blog, so it’s easier for me certainly. 🙂
        I am fond of Scarlett, she is an awesome character. At times I would like to be like Melanie, but I think I lack some blindness.

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        • yeah, there are certainly other things one could talk about. I think the problem is that this fandom is never going to get mature, in the sense that people will have been around the block and know when not to react to trolls. So every. single. time. someone has to say, “dude, don’t do this, you’re giving them what they want,” or “don’t make that kind of prescription, you’ll regret it.”

          Melanie has a lot of admirable qualities. I am just nothing like that.

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  12. Thank you for the LEO, it´s mine. Lol 🙂
    Scarlett is an intense and strong woman, she never gives up and always stands on her feed again (wieder auf die Füße kommen?)….that makes her so strong and admirable!
    There is a quote in my gymn: “jedes Mal wenn Du in die Knie gehen musst, stehst Du gestärkt wieder auf”, ich glaube da ist etwas Wahres dran auf jeder Ebene, auch die “Tiefen” sind für irgend etwas gut im Leben ❤

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    • “gets up on her feet again” or “rises to her feet again” — yeah, she will not let herself be beat!

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      • thank you, das werde ich mir merken mit dem “gets up on her feet again”
        muss uns das etwas sagen, dass Dein Header-Bild nicht mehr scharf sondern verpixelt unscharf ist?

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        • it was a combination — I wanted a Dolarhyde photo and that was the best resolution i got, but yeah, it feels symbolic, too 🙂

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  13. hugs

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  14. Ce matin j’étais à l’enterrement de la mère d’une amie , éloignée géographiquement maintenant . Après la prise de parole et la maturité des petits enfants , à la cérémonie (ils ont perdu accidentellement leur père très jeune) , leurs père et grand- mère peuvent être fiers , là où ils sont désormais . Ce soir je crois en la vie , en l’espoir et suis plus sereine que ce matin . Gardez le cap et bon vent !

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  15. Some random thoughts:

    Sounds like a bad week at the office – hopefully better days will come! Do you have some kind of supervision meetings?

    I would love to read your spoofs – and I don’t think that the whole cybersmile think means that there should be no humor at all because somebody could be offended…

    Thank you for expanding my vocabulary – I had to look up “shtick” and “get my ashes hauled”… perhaps you could take it as an compliment, especially if the man in question is attractive…

    I guess when one has a real person as a model for a tulpa and the person behaves in a way that doesn’t fit to the fantasy there will be a cognitive dissonance that makes one feel uncomfortable… I’m glad that you decided to continue this blog!

    I never liked Scarlett O’Hara, much to selfish and calculating.. One of my heroes in literature (or in this case heroines) is Melanie Hamilton; I admire her loyalty, integrity, courage, inner strength, generosity and kindness – virtues I try to achieve. My favorite scene is when she emerges from her sick-room with Charles’s sword, determined to defend Scarlett and Tara from the Yankee soldier…

    xoxo Cora

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    • “get my ashes hauled,” just fyi, is usually something a man says (or was, back in the day when men said things like that).

      Melanie is totally admirable, certainly — she’s also very loyal.

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      • … and now I blame you for making me read “Gone with the wind” again… this time in English… and I immediately started to feel uncomfortable with the way Mitchell described the slaves…

        When I first read the book I was about 12 and was in for the love story… later I was interested in the historical context… it’s always interesting to come back to a book after some time with a different perspective. My first thought now: Scarlett is so young, 16, a child younger than my kids, and I’m much more willing to excuse her egoism and stubbornness. I live with teenagers and I know that their brains are “under construction” and they sometimes act selfish without thinking or empathy.

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        • re: historical features of the book — I totally agree. It was written in 1939, which was the height of Jim Crow and the feeling in the South of persecution was still very high. What’s problematic, of course, is that if you ask the average person on the street what one work of literature or art they associate with the Civil War period, that is likely to be it, and that’s not a very balanced choice.

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          • Do you have a suggestion for a balanced view – novel or biography or other non-fiction book? I like reading well investigated historic novels like e.g. the books by Rebecca Gablé (unfortunately not available in English).

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            • The one many of us read in school is Stephen Crane, The Red Badge of Courage. I like Geraldine Brooks’ novel, March, which will make more sense if you have read Little Women. A lot of people like Cold Mountain, but I’ve never read it (and have heard from several friends that it’s impenetrable). In terms of “classic lit,” there’s Andersonville by McKinley Cantor and Shiloh by Shelby Foote. If you like really popular literature, John Jakes wrote a Civil War series.

              A very personal rec that’s not a novel — Tony Horwitz, Confederates in the Attic, which is about how people in the US view the Confederacy today.

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              • Thanks a lot – just purchased March and Little Women and the Horwitz ;-)… I will be on vacation tomorrow and I love to have new books on my Kindle…

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            • If you comment at Armitage Agonistes you should ask Perry this question — she’s a Civil War buff.

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              • I was writing before I saw that Servetus suggested my input. There isn;t that uch I know about which gives a taste of civilian life, as Gone with the Wind tried to do. Something different and, I thought delightful, if war could be, is Play for a Kingdom, by Thomas Dyja. ( It’s my go to gift for men.) I recommend The March ( not the same as March) by E.L. Doctorow, and The Killer Angels, by Michael Shaara. The latter was the basis for the movie Gettysburg, and the history is perfectly accurate. The former, is great reading, too and really well written about Sherman’s March through Georgia) . For civilian life, from the South’s point of view, Mary Chestnut’s diary or a book written about it, Mary Chestnut’s civil war, gives a sense of day to life for civilians, but the writing style is out of date. You might also find the short story, An Occurence at Owl Creek Bridge by Ambrose Bierce available at Amazon for $.99 -like most of the others. it’s about soldiers – short and to the point and disturbing.
                Andersonville stands by itself, but it’s not what I would call “summer reading.”
                I live and breathe Shelby Foote’s A Civil War: A Narrative. I have it on audio and listen to it ( or parts of it) several times a week.
                And finally, for some insight into civilian life, you could try Jeffrey Shaara’s Book on Vicksburg. I don’t think Jeffrey is as good at what he does as his father, Michael, was, but he tries. The Crater, by Slotkin is similar in style to the Shaara books. All of these focus on some aspect of the military campaigns.

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    • Sorry to drop in, but can I ask if you are German? “Cognitive dissonance” reminded me of an act of my favorite german political comedian Frank-Markus Barwasser aka Erwin Pelzig. I’ve been to this last live act “Pelzig stellt sich / Pelzig stands up” twice in the last two years, he there talks about having constant “cognitive dissonances” about various issues.
      Even if you are not – the use of this re the Armitage fits just perfectly 😉

      Like

      • @frauvonelmdings
        No need to apologize and yes I’m German. I try to write in English but I feel handicapped and clumsy, it takes a long time and I always struggle to find the right words I do need a dictionary and I look up special phrases. In the end I put my English text in Google Translate in order to see if it’s approximately what I want to say…

        I figured out that “cognitive dissonance” is in fact used in English in the same way as in German – according to Wikipedia: “In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values.”

        Liked by 1 person

      • well, we have cognitive dissonance in the Anglophone world, too 🙂

        Like

  16. As annoying as Scarlett can be sometimes, if I had to pick someone from that novel to be in my corner when the going is tough, she’s the one. Mel is a sweetheart, but real grit comes from the flawed heroine in GWTW. I think if you identify with her, you’ve got pluck that will get you through the tough times. Hope your week concludes on an optimistic note, but if it doesn’t, keep your head down (that’s Midwestern talk for “stay on task and don’t get too distracted by the distractions”…). And pour a glass from the New Belgium brewery . Fat Tire and 1512 are good.

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    • Pourquoi ne pas essayer un grand cru Montrachet de 1955 à 500 euros la bouteille . Ce verre de vin blanc doit décoiffer , décomplexer , vider l’esprit sinon le porte monnaie .

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    • Why wont you try a vintage Montrachet from 1955 at the price it is : 544,2475 dollars a bottle. This glass of white wine should mind-blow, decomplex, emptying the mind if not the wallet .

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    • Sorry, got the wrong year– 1554 is right.

      Like

  17. I hope you will find the right mood to publish your spoofs again!!!
    Actually I thought about one of them this week when I saw stills from Dolarhyde with a bare chest and only one nipple visible (What would the other nipples agent say about that????) 🙂

    Like

  18. “Do as I say, not as I do” , may be it is his favorite proverb now .

    Like

    • Aujourd’hui et surtout depuis juin , cela me semble très dur de suivre Richard Armitage ( dans le sens approuver et soutenir ses propos , ses actions ) en tant qu’être humain et de garder des paroles et un esprit bienveillants positifs .
      Je préfère retourner aux oeuvres et l’apprécier en tant qu’artiste .
      Quitte à renier le fan que je pensais être . Il n’y a jamais eu ni de ” dévotion religieuse ” , ni de pied d’estale de ma part , mais de l’étonnement , voire de la sidération depuis une rencontre fortuite , grâce à une analyse critique des dramas anglais de la BBC .

      Dans ma tête tournent en boucles :
      °° sa demande d’épargner les oreilles sensibles (enfants , grand-parents ),
      °° sa prise de position dans cybersmile ( + l’interview de Laetitia Casta par une photographe ),

      qui ne peuvent contrebalancer :
      °° son discours de remerciements très décevant, à la réception du Saturn Awards ( blague déplacée sur les prothèses ) ,
      °° son selfie tweeté où il se fait maquiller pour Hannibal ,
      °° ses commentaires pour promouvoir Hannibal , où il dit : ” être en empathie avec le personnage , avoir aimé l’aspect bizarre de ce processus , être choqué puis impatient de se voir manger quelque chose d’abject” ( IGN) , comparer “un tueur en série à un mec gentil comme moi ” (Yahoo tv) , le détail sur la peinture et le nettoyage de son postérieur ( Hannibal panel San diego) …
      °° les contradictions entre ses paroles et ses actions ( excepté NS , MI5 , the Crucible , Urban , je pensais il ne voulait pas aller vers certains choix ) , exposition et suggestion d’excès tenues vestimentaires , vins , voitures , … bling bling .
      Servetus vous vous battez avec votre intérêt et inspiration disparus pour l’écriture dans le blog , moi avec une image de l’acteur qui me déplait de + en + , en temps que personne humaine digne d’être suivie plus longtemps . Quoique que vous fassiez je vous suivrai , pour le reste RA en décidera .

      Like

      • The whole blog has been a struggle, although it’s been a problem lately. I think part of it is that we didn’t used to hear from him so often and only in very vague terms on moral prescriptions. Humor is a taste thing (I just don’t get why he doesn’t realize that it’s a taste thing for everyone). So we’re now getting full in the face perhaps someone whom he has always been. I don’t know what to do about it, entirely, either. Except try to keep writing.

        Like

        • Peut-être s’agit -il d’une stratégie voulue , pour rester libre des commentaires qu’il n’apprécie pas .
          Son entourage professionnel et lui-même connaissent ses projets , qui sont potentiellement choquants , dérangeants pour ces fans habituels . Le choix délibéré de certains rôles n’est pas anodin .
          De plus son caractère est celui d’un timide inflexible , qui a grandi avec beaucoup de principes , de règles et un malaise dans sa relation aux autres . Il compensait par de la gentillesse , de l’humour et une grande maîtrise de soi . Il veut se protéger par des murs visibles et non .
          Sa volonté de garder sa vie personnelle privée cachée , alors que sa notoriété grandit , ne peut qu’attiser la curiosité , le désir de nuire des personnes envieuses ou malfaisantes .
          Le problème est , qu’il n’a donné que des pistes vagues sans préciser les limites de ses propos . Toutes les interprétations sont possibles pour la définition de l’ harcèlement et de plus les personnes en cause ne sont pas nommées ouvertement .
          Si son comportement était irréprochable , il n’y aurait rien à dire . Mais certains côtés de sa personnalité se révèlent maintenant . La notoriété et les honneurs le rendent moins méfiant , moins policé , plus confiant , plus libéré dans ses paroles et ses actions . Le ” sociopathe ” se désinhiberait sous l’effet de la gaieté , du bien être . Malheureusement certains excès sont de très mauvais goût et révèlent des penchants peu enviables . Cela fait penser à un manque de préparation , à de l’amateurisme et peut faire douter de son intelligence à appréhender toute la portée de cette nouvelle situation .
          A moins qu’il ne veuille tenir compte que de ses propres aspirations et se libérer des contraintes passées . L’argent et la notoriété permettant tout !

          Like

          • he’s never given any indication that he’s all that much of a systematic thinker. My impression is that at times he stumbles onto things and then later realizes, oh, huh, yeah, i wasn’t going to do that.

            Like

            • If it’s right , it’s sad and disappointing for an adult of past 40 years old , exposed to the world .Though he asks us to think before sending a mail .

              Like

  19. […] this yet! Servetus’ last weeks “Gone with the Wind” Free Will astrology horoscope discussion comes to mind – Scarlett would just say: “Tomorrow is another […]

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