Top ten healthy products I would like Richard Armitage to endorse
10. NoCoke
This is a new soft drink designed to aid addicts’ transition away from the ever-tempting Georgian nectar. It tastes just like Coke, but has no HFCS, no sugar, no artificial sweeteners, and none of those gut-biome-killing preservative thingies found in diet drinks. It’s just perfect in every way. I admit I haven’t ever located a can of it, but I am pretty sure that the Coca-Cola company is already secretly developing this drink, and I’m confident that the prospect of an endorsement from Richard Armitage would speed them up.
9. Coca-Cola
Oops, just kidding. I actually don’t want to get off Coke. Most days anyway. But I drank it before I was an Armitage fan, and imagine I will drink it afterwards, too, if that day ever comes. Meanwhile I would like Richard Armitage to endorse Coca-Cola because I really despise Pepsi. And we know he drank it at least once. There was a witness!
8. Water
I need him to endorse a kind of water that actually increases my energy, reduces silly food cravings, makes my skin glow, smooths out wrinkle lines, and adds $100 / hour to my bank account for every hour I spend fangirling. Apart from quenching my thirst, the kind I’m drinking at the moment has one main effect: the more I drink of it, the more often I have to pee. I’m sure that’s because I’m just drinking it from the tap. So if Armitage would endorse a brand that would live up to its press, I would so totally be there. Given all the bottles of water he has drunk, he should be an expert!
7. Fortnum & Mason Darjeeling FTGFOP
This is my favorite tea on the planet and I just got a stockup from my visiting friend. I love this tea because it feels and tastes elegant in my mouth, and because after a short, brief jolt, it calms me down. This is particularly useful for end-of-term grading, when it enhances my patient quotient by at least fifty percent. So I am eager for Richard Armitage to endorse it as a health product that reduces blood pressure. He could also find a scone recipe. Just sayin’. I’m guessing Fortnum and Mason didn’t jump on this because they have endorsement of like, the English royal family already, but you never know when you need a little help.
Of course: all things in moderation. Drinking 16 glasses a day has the same effect as drinking anti-freeze.
I do not want Richard Armitage to endorse anti-freeze. He’s natural, non-toxic anti-freeze, right?
6. Revolution Eugene Porter (beer)
Has the same effect as the tea, and is a lot quicker. Staying calm in the face of frustrating student homeworks is a definite health plus. And my visiting friend also gave me two six-packs of it, so I know it works. Definitely a worthwhile endorsement possibility for the Armitage. Everyone knows that porter is “wholesome, nutritive and cooling.”
Not so sure about the cooling, though.
5. Dunkin’ Donuts chocolate cream-filled donuts
This isn’t actually healthy in the conventional sense, but I like it when famous people assert that my own preferences are healthy, even when they aren’t. This item is also really useful in maintaining low blood pressure and mental health for teachers and professors. Plus: research shows that celebs who want to appeal to teens need to choose energy-dense, nutrient poor products, and this totally qualifies. Forget the Hobbit films — this endorsement will make him as popular as Justin Timberlake!
Finally, I’d love to see a photo of Armitage with a bit of frosting at the corner of his mouth. #sosexy #letmegetthatforyousweetie
4. Milk
Goes well with the donuts. Also, goes over well with dairy producers, who were struggling to get their breakeven prices per hundredweight in Wisconsin this year. And here in Wisconsin, while no one’s telling us that dairy products aren’t healthy, it looks good to have Mr. Thornton standing up for us.
3. Science
Not that it needs his endorsement — one quality of science being that it’s propositions are true independently of our belief in them — but you know. An awful lot of people seem to have rejected basic scientific truths lately. And at the very least: we should probably all get our childhood immunizations. Definitely healthy.
2. Carrots
After looking more closely at the picture above, I realized something that hadn’t occurred to me back in 2014: that the whole thing about choking on the piece of carrot in scene II was obviously a marketing ploy! This was definitely a product endorsement, as carrots are good for so many things, but in particular they enhance the amount of saliva in your mouth, which must be good for kissing.
Although consuming too many carrots can turn your skin orange, I am sure Richard Armitage wants to endorse anything that would improve kissing world-wide.
1. Ecstasy
Which brings me to the final thing that I would like Richard Armitage to endorse for health reasons. I feel like he’s moving in this direction with the choice to read Wanderlust, but I want simply to emphasize that the more Os, the more relaxation in consequence. Also, experts estimate a caloric expenditure of 60 to 100 calories per event (plus any calories one uses for other activities like foreplay, etc.).
So there we go! More orgasms for everyone! Get on it, Richard Armitage!
****
This was a spoof. A bit more seriously — a group of Armitage fans are writing a shared blog with healthy living tips and Richard Armitage photos. S/he who wishes to live more healthily with Armitage, let her click here!
I would looooove to buy that water….IF it will be sold in non plastic, environment friendly bottles!!!! lol
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Herba said this on January 23, 2018 at 8:19 am |
Oh, totally. Glass deposit bottles all the way!
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Servetus said this on January 23, 2018 at 5:25 pm |
That’s great. Will I also be able to borrow RA to carry the bottles home for me? He’ll get a glas of the water after he carried it upstairs, I promise
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Herba said this on January 25, 2018 at 11:52 am |
Oh, absolutely! (He’s so much more attractive than the average drins delivery man).
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Servetus said this on January 25, 2018 at 7:38 pm |
😂 That’s a great spoof to be greeted with in the morning. And I had to laugh about the last one particularly hard. When I read ‘ecstasy’, I thought you referred to the drug 😂. As in – Es, rather than Os… However, Os are definitely healthier. (Although, if administered well, they might lead to addiction, too.)
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Guylty said this on January 23, 2018 at 9:11 am |
Oh, and PS: I would like him to endorse porridge. Straight from the horse’s mouth, that is healthy food he actually does eat 😁 http://www.richardarmitagenet.com/images/articlescans/SundayTimes_12Sep10.jpg And since it has a bad rep for being bland mush, he really should throw his weight behind a campaign to give porridge a hipster image…
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Guylty said this on January 23, 2018 at 9:17 am |
Doesn’t it have one, kind of? Or didn’t the overnight oats craze hit Europe? (and that’s one hipster thing I can get on board with, I always loved Bircher muesli).
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Servetus said this on January 23, 2018 at 5:26 pm |
I have a sneaky feeling that is still in the beginning here. Haven’t really seen that many hipster porridge outlets. But then again, there is a rather high chance that I may not be hanging out in the right places 😀 On the topic of porridge I can say, though, that I have been hip way before the hipsters. Breakfast staple since 1999. And as a must-have ingredient in my daily bowl of cereal from 1979 to 1989. Haferflocken machen schlau 😉
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Guylty said this on January 23, 2018 at 9:57 pm |
I think what it needed in the US was to separate itself from Quaker Instant Oatmeal, which is a kid’s breakfast staple. I ate it for years myself until I discovered the high protein breakfast, which sort of changed my life. But I still like them.
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Servetus said this on January 24, 2018 at 12:26 am |
Porridge for President!!! 😂
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CraMERRY said this on January 24, 2018 at 6:27 pm |
I guess in our case literally — he supposedly has a very poor diet. So he needs some?
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Servetus said this on January 25, 2018 at 2:43 am |
yeah, that was the joke, you were supposed to wonder, if he were endorsing chocolate frosting donuts, would he also endorse rave drugs?
But I really like an orgasms for all campaign would have legs and he could just keep reading those bawdy audiobooks.
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Servetus said this on January 23, 2018 at 5:27 pm |
Hehe, nice one. (My humour-o-meter obviously isn’t in top shape at the moment… I’m taking things far too seriously sigh)
Total two-in-one move, an ecstasy campaign, then. Getting people healthy and tying in with his present work. We should get his agent on this!
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Guylty said this on January 23, 2018 at 9:52 pm |
Oh definitely want the tea and that man manages some of the sexiest expression when we don’t even know over what! lol I love your spoofs, keep them coming, they tickle me plus give me my smile for the day. Thanks Serv.
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Irish Witch said this on January 23, 2018 at 6:42 pm |
That tea is fantastic. Should you ever go to London I recommend a trip to their store in Piccadilly.
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Servetus said this on January 24, 2018 at 12:38 am |
Great lunch-time reading! “Division by zero is undefined!” Lol!
Maybe he could get behind the old Star Trek staple of synthehol… doesn’t everything from Star Trek get invented eventually? I’d like a nice Pinot Noir that has no ill effects AND no calories!
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SueBC said this on January 23, 2018 at 10:36 pm |
Thank you for appreciating that particular joke. That was one of my favorites.
Synthehol isn’t a bad idea except isn’t it non-intoxicating?
I should have thought of a pinot noir one. Add that to the list.
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Servetus said this on January 24, 2018 at 12:28 am |
I think that synthehol is intoxicating in the moment, but that you can shake it off at a moment’s notice. Fun with no after effects!
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SueBC said this on January 24, 2018 at 2:43 am |
that would be good. I just remember that Scotty preferred real Saurian brandy.
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Servetus said this on January 24, 2018 at 3:07 am |
🙂
You really despise the french Pepsi. But do you know “Breizh Cola” with less chemical ingredients, made in France region’s Brittany?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brittany
Some explanation about words’ joke: phare ouest means farwest
https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breizh_Cola
http://www.breizhcola.fr/
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squirrel.0072 said this on January 23, 2018 at 10:39 pm |
🙂 I appreciate all the subject.
I should recommand: Tea with milk and blood as “Red Dragon’s” recipe.
About tea and iron:
“It is often said that drinking tea would lower the level of iron in the human body. Indeed, the tannins present in tea, interesting for several reasons for health, have a defect: they prevent the iron of food to be completely absorbed by the body during digestion. A very large consumption of daily tea (more than 1.5 liters per day) may have consequences on the absorption of iron by the body. This is not a particular problem if the tea drinker does not suffer from iron deficiency and his diet is balanced. If not, it is advisable to wait 40 minutes after the meal to drink tea. Iron assimilated by the human body is found mainly in meat, much less in plants. A vegetarian person will therefore be more exposed to iron deficiency. Pregnant women are also concerned during this period, so it is better to limit their consumption of tea.”
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squirrel.0072 said this on January 23, 2018 at 11:16 pm |
If I ever get pregnant, I will drink less tea. I promise!
Actually, Armitage himself apparently prefers coffee but I couldn’t think of a good coffee joke.
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Servetus said this on January 24, 2018 at 12:40 am |
Great post. I think he should promote Honey Bunches of O’s.
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Kathy Jones said this on January 24, 2018 at 1:08 am |
ROFLOL. That is the funniest thing anyone’s said to me in days.
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Servetus said this on January 24, 2018 at 1:08 am |
Your post was the funniest thing I had read in days.
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moviefan said this on January 24, 2018 at 5:19 am |
moviefan is Kathy Jones, I got my names screwed up
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Kathy Jones said this on January 24, 2018 at 5:21 am |
Thank you!
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Servetus said this on January 25, 2018 at 2:44 am |
i think you should have a meme contest for #3. So many captions to fill that bubble!
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cindy said this on January 26, 2018 at 9:05 pm |
“I didn’t do it, mum!”
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Servetus said this on January 27, 2018 at 12:09 am |