Why is this Passover different from all other Passovers?
I had planned a more contemplative post, but I simply have no time to think about the right words right now.
Somehow it seems appropriate to the holiday: Exodus.
After nine months of discussion, hand-wringing, and negotiation, we sold the house (beginning of story here), and we are now renting it, until June 1. The house will be demolished and most of the trees taken out; a two-acre water retention pool will be constructed, and a park will go up around it (or at least that’s the current plan, to be named after my mother). There will be nothing left to visit, really.
Except, of course, that the house is not Egypt. This was not our ideal solution to the problem. Neither is it a bad solution. It was only the best response given all the parameters.
This is happening in course of a road repair. On Monday they ground off the asphalt and on Tuesday they knocked over our mailbox. Word is the electric company, which has to move the electric lines, will start lopping off the cedars on April 1.
***
After even more hand-wringing and discussion: dad will move into an assisted living setting. Hopefully he can rise to the occasion and manage this, as he is resistant to moving into memory care, which might be what he really needs. At home, he gets treated much of the time according to his dictates: we comply with the polite fiction that he could do as he needs to do to be safe, but simply doesn’t want to. A residential facility won’t care about his “rationales,” I suspect. They will simply respond to the behavior. On the other hand, they won’t be involved in a constant power struggle, either, as I seem to be.
It’s really a beautiful setting. He will have a medium-sized room with an accessible bathroom, a window that looks out on a fishing pond (that has fish in it, and can be fished), and there’s a farmette with a garden and some small animal livestock that can be observed, petted (and which is harvested in the fall and served to the residents). Lots of trees. It’s not home but it’s quite nice. Only twenty-eight residents.
When he wants his before bed-time ice cream, he can press a call button and someone will bring it to him. Better service than he gets at home, where I make him get it himself.
Dad’s attorney has other clients who live there. The place has wonderful reviews. It’s not home.
***
It’s not clear exactly where I will be living after June 1. I am somewhat anxious about this. However, we had a big financial summit last week and I won’t end up homeless. Apart from the logistics, bookkeeping the whole thing, and the “three moves are as good as a fire” problem, my main personal issue will be dealing with my own emotions. Not going insane.
***
Oh, and then there’s the “cleaning out fifty years of quasi-hoarding” problem.
***
I don’t want to go.
Dad really doesn’t want to go.
I ask myself every day if we’re doing the right thing. I keep thinking there must be some solution, some arrangement we can make, something we haven’t thought of. I will never not regret this. I am trying not to see this as a failure of character on my part.
***
Gut shabbas, chag sameach.
Me + Richard Armitage 
I know things have been extremely difficult with your dad, and you being his caregiver, so I hope this new situation provides some relief for you from that.
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I know you know how it is. I think that the day to day level should bring a big improvement for me. Not sure about dad.
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Big hugs to you. This is a hard step for both of you.
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Thanks. It really is.
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Oh Servetus, such changes! My heart goes out to you… (((Hugs)))
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Yeah — it’s a lot in a short time, even if we’ve known it was coming (one way or another) since last summer. Thanks for the hugs and support.
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you are not a failure. What you are doing is right. You did a great job taking care of your dad, but you need to take care of yourself now.
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Thanks — and you know, you summarized that perfectly — I do need to take care of myself and I am the only one who has me as the #1 priority. I don’t need to be first every time, but half or even a third of the time is probably necessary. I know you know how it is.
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Big news, indeed! I know you feel sad right now and like it is not the ideal scenario, but reading this, I felt really optimistic for both you and your dad. (Not meaning to be all pollyanna, but that really was the feeling I had while reading.) While not home, as you say, the new place sounds like a really nice set-up for your dad, complete with fishing! And after the change of venue has come (and the hard task of sorting through years of stuff has been done), you will have a chance to breathe and think about your own future. Hopefully you can get past feeling guilty about it, because it does sound like the right solution, even if not the most palatable in some ways. How nice that naming the park after your mom is part of the deal!
I just finished reading Jann Arden’s “Feeding My Mother”. While her situation was different from yours, as her mother and father were companions for each other for a while, I found it interesting to read of her wrestling with her emotions and trying to find the humour in the situation, with both parents continually losing things and trying to turn the TV on with the garage remote and such. (Her father was a recovered alcoholic and suffered from dementia due to strokes and her mother had Alzheimer’s.) There’s a section with recipes she cooked for them, as well.
Thinking about you and sending socially distanced hugs.
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Thanks for reminding me to order that book. It’s actually in our library, I’m not sure why I forgot to put it in the queue earlier. and of course for the hugs!
After a year and a half of “caregiver counseling,” I think one of the things i realize is that people who talk about the humor in the situation usually have one fundamental thing different from our situation, and that is that dad and I never got to a situation where I felt reasonably confident that he wasn’t in danger when I wasn’t there (and I couldn’t be there all the time, either in a formal sense or an emotional sense). There was never any opportunity to laugh because there was always this feeling of impending threat. (We had one of those moments just night before last.) The whole point of all of that counseling was to get us there — and we never could, to some extent because of dad’s personality and to some extent because I wasn’t able (or willing?) to do many of the things the counseling suggested were necessary (e.g., divert the mail away from him, take away his phone, remove all the power tools, etc. HL actually took away the last tractor keys yesterday, and I was surprised at how much relief that gave me — even though I was not able to do it myself or risk being the target of ire over it). Maybe if I’d been able to do that we would have lasted longer. I think one thing that will happen in assisted living is that he will finally get the care level he really needs to have and decisions about that will not be hampered by the fog of my relationship (and over-identification with?) him hampering the decision.
HL and I went over the contract with dad yesterday and afterwards HL said to me, “I don’t think he absorbed any of that. It’s going to be quite a while before this is any better.” I’m sure you’re right (and just some simple things will improve quite drastically and immediately). It’s just hard to see that right now while I am living in the middle of it.
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I also suspect that finding humour in the situation isn’t hurt by having lots of money. Her parents’ house was built on her property, so she had closeness but also separation. She also had overnight helpers (her mother thought they were “homeless ladies”) until a care home became the only answer, which would relieve the worry about danger.
I would guess that it is really hard to impose what needs to be done onto your father, who was once an authority figure for you and who probably doesn’t fully understand that you are living there out of concern for him, rather than so that you have a roof over your head. And being a target of ire when you have nowhere really to escape to would be tough.
This does seem like the solution to take, now. Hopefully it will end up being better for all of you.
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One of the things I’m constantly reminded of is that our situation would be so much worse without the resources we do have. But being able to leave without too much worry is key — we just never got there. One thing I am really hoping is that my relationship with dad can improve now since I’m not the one directly in charge all the time. I know it will be better for HL, too –although in different ways.
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Hopefully you can deal more on a friend level or a more traditional father to adult daughter relationship.
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Thinking and praying for you and your family during this life change.
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Thanks. I am really grateful for your ongoing presence.
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My heart goes out to you, as I have had similar experiences (with my Mom) and know the conflict and grief you are feeling. In your head you know that your Dad will be in expert hands and in a much safer environment. Let your heart catch up.
big hugs and lots of positive thoughts heading your way.
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I know you know how it is, and that’s really true. Rationally this was the best decision (and HL and I kept saying that — if our feelings weren’t involved, this is the decision we would want to make).
I also think that if dad can accommodate, it really may be better for him. For one thing, he will see many more different people every day. As an extrovert he may really be buoyed by that.
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What two huge changes for you, both physically and emotionally. Sue’s comment says it all really. You say that you will have regrets and see character failings. I doubt that anything said will change these feelings but they are not fair. You have been doing a selfless, magnificent and monumentally difficult job in caring for your father all these years and continue to do so in letting go of the main care now. Wishing you strength and all the very best with this new chapter in your lives.
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Thanks for the good wishes and support.
re: character failings — I think it’s not the things we think of that bother me so much (stuff like failure of stuff like self-discipline or willingness to help). I feel okay about those things, or like I did my best (and/or did a lot of things I really hate because I thought they were better or necessary for dad). But one thing that’s clear to me: the universal recommendation for dealing with difficult parents in this situation is something called “therapeutic fibbing,” i.e., don’t tell your relative the full truth about something if you know the answer will confuse or upset them.
E.g., one of dad’s big issues is thrift (putting it politely). It was not possible for me to get a lot of things done that had to be done without help, and often I had to pay people for the help. He can afford it. But it made him so angry that we paid people for help — even if it was something he enjoyed (like the personal care people — he liked both of the people who he didn’t scare away, and who kept coming through the pandemic, and he would even say that he looked forward to them — but every single time he saw the bank statement, he would get into a furor about how much it cost and how he didn’t need them and I was “pissing away his money”). The solution the caregiver coach gave me was just to tell him that anyone who came to do something for us was a friend of mine or HL’s and was helping us out, and then find a way to hide the expense. I was never able to do this without compunctions, at times severe ones. It ate away at me (and in any case wasn’t always successful at it; I am a horrible liar).
But if I’d been able to do that sort of thing, we might have not been at odds with each other so much, and I might have been able to last longer. Yes, the problem was also dad’s — but he was the one with the broken brain, and my brain is functioning within normal parameters. It was up to me to change and I couldn’t change at the level I needed to.
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I think truth is overrated when intentions are good,
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it wasn’t that I didn’t see the merits of the strategy. It was that I am so heavily conditioned not to lie. It wasn’t something I could change about myself. Had I been able to, maybe we could have kept on longer. But I really spent over a year trying.
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I had an inkling that this would happen after your comment. I am so relieved for you! It’s a bit sad though that the house will be demolished. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that your dad gets along with the caretakers and he will able to settle in the facility comfortably. The place sounds great!
And please, don’t blame yourself so much. I know it’s hard not to, I did so, too, but with dementia, there comes a point where you just have to admit you cannot do it anymore. I think you endured the situation much longer than most would have. I couldn’t have done what you did.
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Dad built the house (along with my grandfathers and uncles) and I always thought we would eventually have the pleasure of knowing someone else was enjoying it (or at least the wooded acreage and the wildlife that lives there — the house itself was solid but it had the inner construction of a house built in the 1970s and it wouldn’t be especially susceptible to renovation to conform with today’s universal “open concept” expectation). It feels a bit like destroying the historical fabric, even if it was only fifty years old and before that it was a cornfield.
I had an aha moment in January that moved me toward this — it was during a discussion with a snotty social worker about the status of my health insurance (my income has fallen so low that I qualify for free public health insurance) where I just thought, I can’t do this anymore; the cost to me is too much. I always thought if we could just figure out a way that I could have a weekend or two “off” each month, we’d somehow make it work out, but that wasn’t possible even before the pandemic and it got worse in that setting, and I think we have to calculate that we’re likely to have continued outbreaks of greater or lesser severity. Dad and I both need a better arrangement for the future, not least because of that.
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I think you did all you could as long as you could. With me, by the time where something HAD to happen, I was basically only shouting at my father and it was important to me that our relationship normalised before it was to late.
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I have yelled more in the last two years than i have in the rest of my life up till now. And yet, I did not yell anywhere near as often as I would have had I not had the caregiver coach to teach me other strategies.
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I can imagine. I hope your relationship gets more relaxed now.
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I meant I couldn’t have endured it as long as you did.
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I was gonna say – you did it yourself!
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Well, yes, but I think your father is a lot more difficult to handle than my father was. I truly admire your patience.
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Wow, that’s happening soon….
The place where your father will live sounds lovely, but it’s not home and I really can’t imagine how diffucult this will be for him and for you too.
Like others wrote before me: You are NOT a failure. You did what you could and much longer as many would have done it.
I send you lots of love and good thoughts and a big bear hug!
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Yeah. Eight more weeks. But I think dad will move to assisted living even before that. My own instinct is to draw it out as long we can but the geriatric consultant says that’s not good for dad.
Thanks for the reassurance and the hug! Since you will be experiencing a renovation soon I am sending it right back to you!
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Don’t let yourself be pressured into something that’s against your gut feeling. You’ll have to endure enough preassure already.
Thank you, but as stressful as the renovations might get I am sure it’s nothing against the situation you are in right now.
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I think she’s probably right — and no matter how we do this there will be tears and shouting.
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Bon courage pour toutes les étapes qui se profilent devant vous! Mes pensées me ramènent souvent à votre vécu. Personne n’échappe aux déchirements familiaux. Le temps et les hasards de la vie ne sont pas, toujours, des alliés bienveillants.
Votre témoignage est important.
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Thanks. I think one of the problems with the situation (and now I understand why there are so few books about the experience, as opposed to advice books) is that it tends to rob me of words. I hope I have a few left when this is over.
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Compréhensible! Toute analyse demande un temps de recul.
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I think you have done more than enough,long enough, for your dad under nerve shattering circumstances. Maybe he will meet another Flower or make new friends eventually. Of course it’s really hard to say goodbye to your home on top of everything else that you are going through. So many memories. Try not to feel so much guilt and regret. You did the best you could, which is all any of us can do. Remember all that you did to keep him healthy and safe at home , and he was incapable of being happy or appreciate it. Not his fault, I know, but now he’s starting a new chapter which he might enjoy. Never can tell. Your freedom is coming soon. Scary after being without it for so long but I hope you will get used to it again. Hugs
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HL and I were discussing that, too — getting dad moved in to AL is the smallest of the current challenges.
When we were at the AL the last time, the director said to dad that the ladies were already eyeing him up.
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So…this is happening…
It will be a big change but I hope and I really think it will be for the better.
Courage !
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It is. Thanks for the good wishes!
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Words are not needed here. Only sympathy. You have borne this so long, and the place your dad is moving to sounds really nice. You’ve done so much, and you must live YOUR life.
I understand your feelings about the house, completely. However, I have experienced how the soul of a house evaporates when the people who lived there are gone. So, hopefully in time, you will give another house its soul. Hugs.
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Thanks for your support. This house won’t even be here, so any soul will occupy a water retention pond. We did photograph the entire exterior of the house and the yard last week, so hopefully once we are ready to remember we will have some images to help us.
I’m not entirely sure what’s happening next.
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How did I miss this – the biggest of the big decisions that had been looming for you. I think when the dust settles (and there will no doubt be a lot of it!) you’ll ultimately feel a lot better knowing that your dad is safe and that you are not in the eye of the storm every single day. You already pretty much know how I feel about how much you deserve to take care of yourself and live your best life!! 💗💗.
Huge hugs – let’s have a riverside coffee soon!!!
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I had planned to let you know when it happened but I also feel like I burden you with the Servetus family soap opera way too much and your own life is so busy.
I had one of those moments this morning where dad was doing stuff that made me anxious and I knew I couldn’t interfere, and I really thought, in two months this situation won’t exist and I admit having a huge feeling of relief.
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Other people’s family “soap opera’s” are much easier to handle than one’s own for me, so my ears are always available…unless I’m at IKEA 😜
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You’ll have to come over and sit on our deck while it’s still there. It’s almost warm enough, LOL.
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So well written!
Thanks for sharing. I feel heartbroken for the impossible situation you are in. Hopefully things will feel better in a couple of months once your Dad has settled in, and you know where you’re living. ❤️
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Thanks. It’s upsetting to us but I remind myself that we have resources to deal with it and just because we don’t like the outcome, it doesn’t mean the outcome is back.
I have concerns about assisted living, i.e., they do have the right to ask him to move again if he can’t fit in there or his behaviors are more severe than they can deal with. Right now they are saying it will be okay. But that is something that is completely out of my control.
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Yes, so hard when you have to just be and let others be in control. Assisted living is always a complex decision to make. As things progress (and you get more data/evidence) as your Dad lives there, you are of course free to re-evaluate things eg, if that’s the right place for him, if adjustments need to be made, etc. Any decision you have made can always be reviewed by you? You’re allowed to change your mind, especially as new data arrives.
Regards
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It would be nice to think that anything can be changed any time, but it’s really not that easy.
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Yes, not easy. A difficult time for you. ❤️
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I wish to suggest : Read the book : The Silence of God, the creative response to the films of Ingmar Bergman. The nucleus of the problem is bound on the inseparable complexity of faith problematic, of the certitude of faith problematic, and therefore of the silence of God problematic. what the lady Maria is telling the man Thomas is ”God is persistently telling man out of God’s great silence: ” You must learn to love” , my addendum: Love your father, teach him how to love you by your loving him, truly, not out of obligation , but in the same way you loved your mother and you will find the mother’s loved you now sorely missed in him. I truly believed this , having worked in three levels pf psychiatric nursing: child, adolescents and adults both genders until i retired recently.
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I missed the part in my post where I asked for advice. We have a geriatric consultant and a dementia caregiver coach who know us personally. My father has stage two or three dementia. His days of learning anything complex are over, even if he had wanted to.
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