Breathing, in and out

It seems like everyone I’m in touch with was just wishing for a peaceful Easter. Also for peace, but mostly first to catch their breath.

The variant velocity of the arrival of the news is fascinating. A failed missile launch attempt in North Korea lands on the front page in ten minutes; in comparison, the news of the terrorists who murdered more than 100 refugees and rebels in Syria takes two days to filter through. U.S. voters have put the nuclear detonation codes in the hands of someone incompetent to guide our diplomacy. We live in a world where, with straight faces, we call a bomb: “mother.”

Three more days of Passover.

The time goes by so quickly. In two weeks the year will be a quarter over.

Lately I feel like the harder I try to concentrate, the more fixed on a plan I am, the less focused, the less graspable the outcome. Maybe it’s the spring weather. At first it was helping my mood but lately I feel agitated. Of course, that may not be the spring’s fault.

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but dooce (Heather Armstrong — one of my blogger idols) reappeared recently. She said something that I learned, too, while blogging: “either by necessity or fatigue or lack of self-care, I abandon[ed] the practice of words. And then things got really, really bad. For a decade and a half, words have been my medicine.”

I guess I’ve known a long time that there’s this weird balance between writing and not writing, also that not writing is bad for me. I hope she returns to more regularly blogging in any case. As I plan to do / continue. It’s like just as I get to the point where I think, “now I can say anything,” some other obstacle appears in my brain. I read something recently about writing where the author pointed out the problem in maintaining a balance between the necessary openness to write and the necessary invulnerability required to accept the response to one’s writing and I thought, I know, I know. Like all art, writing requires that deep care about everything except about what other people say. Maybe blogging is a special case of that. Or, for that matter, writing job application letters. Think of all of the thousands of words of wasted prose.

We are thinking of my mother so often at the moment. I am worried about my brother. I will be relieved when the white bass are finally running. May 1 is coming, too.

[and more writing about Richard Armitage; I’m just trying to clear the decks enough here to concentrate on something. thanks for continuing to read]

~ by Servetus on April 17, 2017.

19 Responses to “Breathing, in and out”

  1. Exactly right, the combination of naked writing and armored replying.


    • it’s only been four months since the last threat to punch me in the face; I should probably be grateful, lol. Maybe I’m getting stronger.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I remember that first summer on Wattpad and how often I cried over nothing. Well, now it seems like nothing.
        I’m SURE you are getting stronger. As for grateful, I usually try to look for a lesson but sometimes the lesson is, wow, what an asshole.


  2. My dear Servetus, I’m tearing up just reading this. I so often wish there was something we could say to ease your pain, make your situation easier, help you find peace. I know that’s not possible. The world seems more bleak not only by the day, but by 45’s tweets. I’m sorry to say, the loss of parents does not seem to ease over time. The caring for parents is never easy, but trust me, some day you will look back at it as a blessing and a gift, no matter how impossible it may seem in any moment. I wish you had support in your family, understanding. I wish that someone you love, and who loves you, could understand and respect your interest in learning, and your profession, your choice of a different faith, your choice of a different political view. I wish you didn’t feel so alone, so other than. Always know that we love you, and support you.


    • Thanks for understanding what I was getting at. As you note — I made my own choices. There’s a consolation in that at times. The world just seems at an epic lowpoint. I shouldn’t say that, of course, for fear things will get worse.


  3. “The variant velocity of the arrival of the news” … what a wonderful phrase. I really love to read your reflective posts.


  4. I’ll continue to read and offer support if I can.
    You know, as I saw the plentiful of good and happy wishes for Easter on FB and Twitter, I realized that I haven’t really got that feeling. I want to be happy and wish others a Happy Easter or a Happy Passover as it may be, but all I really want is PEACE.
    Peace for the world and peace for me. On a personal level, I’ve been working so hard lately that I’ve completely forgot myself – and my soul hasn’t caught up yet – and I sorely miss it, my soul. On a global level, the news is certainly terrible. However, it could be the difference in the way our countries process this newsfeed, because I do not feel – or am at least not aware of – any particular ‘selection’ of news, although I’m not oblivious to a selection probably taking place.
    So, I hear you – you’ve also got some family matters that weigh in heavily, and I hope you all find your peace. You’re trying to write, and there’s all this ‘noise’ going on. Noise in the family is not doing anyone or anything any good.


    • I hope you find your soul soon — I recommend blogging 🙂 Seriously, though, I hope things calm down. It feels a little strange, wishing someone a sentiment one doesn’t share. But I had the feeling it wasn’t just me this time around.

      I watch the major center / center-left / left news outlets in the US pretty closely, and they were two days later with Syria than with North Korea. The threat of nuclear war makes better copy. I read about the massacre in Syria in, I think, the French press first.


      • Despite our PM (apparently) getting along fabulously with Trump (a handshake incident), most Danes are very critical of Trump (the big opportunist). We got the news of the Syrian chemical attack immediately, almost as it was happening, and it was the same with the N.Korean missile story. No need to guess why it took so long at your place…
        We are MANY who are holding our breaths. And, no, you’re not alone in this. And, no, no blogging for me, thanks very much 🙂 And, yes, I’ll get my soul back once it’s summer. The overall feeling of peace…? I don’t know.


  5. Despite all the bad news, French people are still able to laugh at Easter.


  6. […] times. Kabul. Afghanistan six months earlier. Kabul the year before. Berlin. Portland. Manchester. Syria. Orlando. More that I did not blog […]


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