OMG! Richard Armitage to start in blockbuster rom-com!

Industry insiders report that Lionsgate Pictures has signed Richard Armitage to headline Alterations, its newest attempt at reviving the genre of the romantic comedy.

Jennifer Lawrence is set to co-star.

Lionsgate publicists announced that they had tapped Armitage for the role because of his $900 million-plus box office in The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies and the $150 million he and his fellow CGI tornadoes raked in for Into the Storm worldwide.

In the script, Armitage’s character, a fashion industry mogul, encounters Lawrence, who plays a young alterations seamstress trying to make ends meet in the cut-throat world of last minute fashion alterations in the Manhattan Garment District. One day Armitage drops a suit off for repair, and while it is in the seamstress’ custody, the young woman hangs the suit temporarily on a tree and the fabric brushes up against some very loose bark, causing a stain. The tension starts when the two begin to quarrel over whether the impoverished seamstress is responsible for removing what seems to have become an ever-fixed mark on the upper thigh of the suit. Armitage wants the mark removed, but Lawrence points to her shop’s terms of service, which promise not to alter alterations in the clothes she touches. When Armitage insists, Lawrence kneels to try to address the problem, Armitage’s leg begins to shake, and a bawdy, sweet, and tender comedy ensues.

Rumors that Martin Freeman had been engaged to play Lawrence’s best friend, a character with rosy cheeks and a speech impediment who tries for hours and weeks to keep the pair apart, could not be confirmed.

“This film has something for everyone, and we’re particularly happy that although it’s often difficult to pin Richard Armitage down, we have definitely taken his height, so that all of his trouser breaks will fit perfectly. We’re looking forward to several fitting scenes in the alterations shop.”

A particular angsty scene is said to occur when Armitage’s character does a soliloquy on whether his growing affinity to Lawrence can be love, seeing as how he found her in an alterations shop.

Initially, Armitage made no response on his Twitter account to thousands of tweets of congratulations from his fans.

Through judicious tracking via social media, however, this reporter was able to trace the elusive star of screen and stage down in a makeup wagon outside of Toronto, where he was frantically trying to shed the appearance of his latest role. I had to wait until he’d finished intensely scrubbing his teeth and washing his own mouth out with soap. (When asked, however, the retiring star is unworried that eyes and ears too innocent to read the word “bitches” could be harmed by the graphic, gory, and violent pictures and fan art of him that will inevitably be tweeted after his episodes on season 3 of Hannibal are aired. See related story, p.3: “Armitage plays a serial killer, but fans have never ever ever heard any obscenities cross his lips.”)

“Pardon me. I have to get all this fake blood off before my Twitter Q&A tomorrow,” the future rom-com star said, as he wiped his face with a white towel that had turned pink from the residue of gore and was full of little fragments of fake flesh.

When he surfaceed, I asked Armitage for comment on his role in Alterations.

Armitage replied: “Love’s not time’s fool! But you are! April Fools!”

As usual, Armitage’s agent could not be reached for comment.

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Source material. Too improbable to be believed? Last year on April Fool’s Day, I predicted Richard Armitage would start a social media platform. Cough. Here are the jokes from 2013 and 2012.

~ by Servetus on April 1, 2015.