How Richard Armitage isn’t spending his day

Richard Armitage in costume as Thorin Oakenshield, from preproduction vlog #6 for The Hobbit. Source: RichardArmitageNet.com

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Any day this month, Wellington, New Zealand

6:00 a.m. — Wakes up, tortured by worries about what fans must be thinking about his decision to sleep so late

6:30 a.m. — Intensive skin care regime begins. Needs to keep skin beautiful for fans

7:15 a.m. — Finishes high protein breakfast in preparation for long day of worry about what fans think of his figure. Incinerates packaging of pork products just in case groups seeking to turn off significant segment of devout Jewish fans are fishing through household garbage

8:00 a.m. — Pick up from driver and drive to set for filming. Straps himself into car with extra seat-belt because fans worry about daredevil lifestyle

8:10 a.m. — Makeup. Cautions makeup artists to be very careful with his hair, as fans are worried about thinning at hair line and potential developing bald spot

9:00 a.m. — Makeup artist accidentally misplaces eyebrow prosthesis and pulls it off roughly. Armitage swears loudly and vehemently. Looks around to make sure no one is recording utterance or passing it on, as Christian fans potentially offended by blasphemy

10:00 a.m. — Shooting. Careful to make sure that he is always filmed from the right side, where frontalis is not so disruptive and the superficial temporal vein is not so pronounced either. Wouldn’t want fans to think he is getting old!

1:30 p.m. — Lunch. Declines invitation from Peter Jackson and Andy Serkis to talk about new projects, preferring to use smart phone to see what the latest tumblr pictures are suggesting about fan preoccupations

2:00 p.m. — Message from PR rep in London, recommending beard trim before next outing in Wellington as fans are tracking negative two to one on the bushy look and candid pictures do spread like wildfire! Feels resentful that fans care so much about facial hair

2:05 p.m. — Thinks about quitting acting profession to grow knee-length beard

2:07 p.m. — Decides to stick with acting

2:30 p.m. — Shooting resumes. Hit with a sword by a dwarf across the cheek. Rushes to first aid to make sure there will be no scar. Ponders whether fans might prefer small scar — sexy?

5:00 p.m. — Shooting done. Runs to punctuation lesson to make sure that all future fan messages are correctly written; nightly blog reading suggests growing U.S. fan base frustrated with ongoing struggle to differentiate “which” from “that”.

5:15 p.m. — Takes call from Aidan Turner to come out for a beer. Declines, stating need to go home and track what bloggers are writing, which always takes slightly more attention as it’s so wordy

6:00 p.m. — Having avoided the temptation of beer, it’s now gym time. Well developed abs are important for continued fan approval. No, no one can see them in the Thorin costume, but you can never be too careful!

7:00 p.m. — Decides not to ask cutie at the gym out for a quickie espresso. Too worried about what fans might think. Home. Microwaves low-fat, high nutrient dinner. Incinerates packaging of beef products to prevent discovery by devout Hindu fans. Skypes with friends who mention popular concerns: Richard Armitage is not smiling enough

8:00 p.m. — Stands in front of mirror, practices smiling. Resolves to smile more in public. Hopes to remember resolution

8:25 p.m. — Stands in front of mirror, thinks about trimming beard. Feels resentful. Leaves beard alone.

8:27 p.m. — Worries about having left the beard alone

8:29 p.m. — Starts trimming beard

8:31 p.m. — Changes his mind

8:32 p.m. — Worries that beard is now uneven

8:33 p.m. — Begins chanting relaxation mantra: “they love me no matter what, they love me no matter what”

8:45 p.m. — Logs onto Armitage Army under alias. Nothing disturbing. Breathes out relief

8:55 p.m. — Logs onto C19 under alias. A few cute new stories about John Thornton. Smiles approvingly

9:00 p.m. — Logs onto Richard Armitage Central under alias. Nothing disturbing. Really, the fans do love crinkles

9:02 p.m. — Moves frontalis to make sure he’s still got the crinkle goin’ on

9:10 p.m. — Heads over to wattpad to see if there are any sexy new stories about John Porter. Nothing. Whew!

9:20 p.m. — Moves to imdb.com. Ongoing fight about whether his hair is fine or coarse seems to be resolving in favor of fine. Avoids reading strand on potential roles because he is afraid of being influenced to play Willie Oleson in planned remake of Little House on the Prairie. Winces when he reads fangirls harshing on fangirls. Contemplates mentioning how we should all be friends again in next Christmas message

9:21 p.m. — Realizes Christmas is eight months off. Makes a mental note

9:25 p.m. — Goes to topix. [censored]

9:45 p.m. — Begins review of blogs. Oh, no, a realfic. Some fan thinks that he’s constantly preoccupied by sexual practices involving carrots. Grits teeth. What will vegetarian fans think if this story gets any further? Unsettling

9:55 p.m. — Another blogger is writing a realfic in which Armitage is suffering from intense PTSD regarding torture at the hands of Hobbit makeup artist. How did they know ???

10:00 p.m. — Another realfic involving an intense sexual fantasy. Fantasy implies Armitage is not a fulfilling sexual partner in every respect. Falls into deep depression, decides never to write another Christmas message to any fan

10:02 p.m. — Realizes Christmas is still eight months off

10:15 p.m. — Takes call from agent regarding potential roles for after The Hobbit. Several interesting things are on offer. Asks agent to commission informal anonymous opinion poll of fans about which role to take next

10:30 p.m. — Wants to watch North by Northwest to relax, but decides to go to bed out of fear fans will conclude he’s living a wild life

10:45 p.m. — Falls asleep, tossing and turning, plagued by nightmares about vicious fans angered by his lacking sexual performance in fan fic who try to tear his clothes off

NOT. 🙂

~ by Servetus on April 5, 2012.