How Richard Armitage isn’t spending his day

Richard Armitage in costume as Thorin Oakenshield, from preproduction vlog #6 for The Hobbit. Source: RichardArmitageNet.com

***

Any day this month, Wellington, New Zealand

6:00 a.m. — Wakes up, tortured by worries about what fans must be thinking about his decision to sleep so late

6:30 a.m. — Intensive skin care regime begins. Needs to keep skin beautiful for fans

7:15 a.m. — Finishes high protein breakfast in preparation for long day of worry about what fans think of his figure. Incinerates packaging of pork products just in case groups seeking to turn off significant segment of devout Jewish fans are fishing through household garbage

8:00 a.m. — Pick up from driver and drive to set for filming. Straps himself into car with extra seat-belt because fans worry about daredevil lifestyle

8:10 a.m. — Makeup. Cautions makeup artists to be very careful with his hair, as fans are worried about thinning at hair line and potential developing bald spot

9:00 a.m. — Makeup artist accidentally misplaces eyebrow prosthesis and pulls it off roughly. Armitage swears loudly and vehemently. Looks around to make sure no one is recording utterance or passing it on, as Christian fans potentially offended by blasphemy

10:00 a.m. — Shooting. Careful to make sure that he is always filmed from the right side, where frontalis is not so disruptive and the superficial temporal vein is not so pronounced either. Wouldn’t want fans to think he is getting old!

1:30 p.m. — Lunch. Declines invitation from Peter Jackson and Andy Serkis to talk about new projects, preferring to use smart phone to see what the latest tumblr pictures are suggesting about fan preoccupations

2:00 p.m. — Message from PR rep in London, recommending beard trim before next outing in Wellington as fans are tracking negative two to one on the bushy look and candid pictures do spread like wildfire! Feels resentful that fans care so much about facial hair

2:05 p.m. — Thinks about quitting acting profession to grow knee-length beard

2:07 p.m. — Decides to stick with acting

2:30 p.m. — Shooting resumes. Hit with a sword by a dwarf across the cheek. Rushes to first aid to make sure there will be no scar. Ponders whether fans might prefer small scar — sexy?

5:00 p.m. — Shooting done. Runs to punctuation lesson to make sure that all future fan messages are correctly written; nightly blog reading suggests growing U.S. fan base frustrated with ongoing struggle to differentiate “which” from “that”.

5:15 p.m. — Takes call from Aidan Turner to come out for a beer. Declines, stating need to go home and track what bloggers are writing, which always takes slightly more attention as it’s so wordy

6:00 p.m. — Having avoided the temptation of beer, it’s now gym time. Well developed abs are important for continued fan approval. No, no one can see them in the Thorin costume, but you can never be too careful!

7:00 p.m. — Decides not to ask cutie at the gym out for a quickie espresso. Too worried about what fans might think. Home. Microwaves low-fat, high nutrient dinner. Incinerates packaging of beef products to prevent discovery by devout Hindu fans. Skypes with friends who mention popular concerns: Richard Armitage is not smiling enough

8:00 p.m. — Stands in front of mirror, practices smiling. Resolves to smile more in public. Hopes to remember resolution

8:25 p.m. — Stands in front of mirror, thinks about trimming beard. Feels resentful. Leaves beard alone.

8:27 p.m. — Worries about having left the beard alone

8:29 p.m. — Starts trimming beard

8:31 p.m. — Changes his mind

8:32 p.m. — Worries that beard is now uneven

8:33 p.m. — Begins chanting relaxation mantra: “they love me no matter what, they love me no matter what”

8:45 p.m. — Logs onto Armitage Army under alias. Nothing disturbing. Breathes out relief

8:55 p.m. — Logs onto C19 under alias. A few cute new stories about John Thornton. Smiles approvingly

9:00 p.m. — Logs onto Richard Armitage Central under alias. Nothing disturbing. Really, the fans do love crinkles

9:02 p.m. — Moves frontalis to make sure he’s still got the crinkle goin’ on

9:10 p.m. — Heads over to wattpad to see if there are any sexy new stories about John Porter. Nothing. Whew!

9:20 p.m. — Moves to imdb.com. Ongoing fight about whether his hair is fine or coarse seems to be resolving in favor of fine. Avoids reading strand on potential roles because he is afraid of being influenced to play Willie Oleson in planned remake of Little House on the Prairie. Winces when he reads fangirls harshing on fangirls. Contemplates mentioning how we should all be friends again in next Christmas message

9:21 p.m. — Realizes Christmas is eight months off. Makes a mental note

9:25 p.m. — Goes to topix. [censored]

9:45 p.m. — Begins review of blogs. Oh, no, a realfic. Some fan thinks that he’s constantly preoccupied by sexual practices involving carrots. Grits teeth. What will vegetarian fans think if this story gets any further? Unsettling

9:55 p.m. — Another blogger is writing a realfic in which Armitage is suffering from intense PTSD regarding torture at the hands of Hobbit makeup artist. How did they know ???

10:00 p.m. — Another realfic involving an intense sexual fantasy. Fantasy implies Armitage is not a fulfilling sexual partner in every respect. Falls into deep depression, decides never to write another Christmas message to any fan

10:02 p.m. — Realizes Christmas is still eight months off

10:15 p.m. — Takes call from agent regarding potential roles for after The Hobbit. Several interesting things are on offer. Asks agent to commission informal anonymous opinion poll of fans about which role to take next

10:30 p.m. — Wants to watch North by Northwest to relax, but decides to go to bed out of fear fans will conclude he’s living a wild life

10:45 p.m. — Falls asleep, tossing and turning, plagued by nightmares about vicious fans angered by his lacking sexual performance in fan fic who try to tear his clothes off

NOT. πŸ™‚

~ by Servetus on April 5, 2012.

77 Responses to “How Richard Armitage isn’t spending his day”

  1. ROTFLOL!!!!!!! Brilliant m’dear! πŸ˜€

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    • This is how Richard Armitage would be spending his day if he is as potentially neurotic as I am, which I hope he isn’t.

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  2. //Wants to watch North by Northwest to relax//

    I first read this as “North and South” and laughed.

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  3. This is freeking priceless. This is exactly what I think he is NOT doing. You should be a writer…wink!

    I just a comment on Judiang’s page. Frankly, I do not think RA spends all his time worrying about his fans. I think the man is busy living his life and perfectly capable of making decisions for himself about how he is being hurt or helped by his fandom.

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    • If he did at one time, I don’t believe he does any more. And I see that as a really good thing πŸ™‚

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  4. I should be asleep right now but have now giggled and sniggered myself wide awake again…love this! πŸ™‚

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  5. HILARIOUS!!! Geez, you almost make me wish he DID log onto these sites just to have these responses!! (loved the ‘smiles approvingly’ at discovering a few new Thornton fics at C19) Also 2:30pm thoughts were pretty funny.

    You write a VERY FUNNY neurotic RA, Servetus. I hope we get to see these little sketches again from time to time as needed ….

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  6. Brilliant sense of humor, Servetus.
    I very much like the funny way you set things straight and get them back into perspective ;o)

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  7. Oh, girl, you are too funny!

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  8. What do you mean this isn’t how he spends his day? I totally thought he did each and every one of these things!!! πŸ˜‰

    In all seriousness, thank you for this hilarious post. Tears are running down my face from laughing so hard!

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  9. I wondered how you were going to top that last post. As RA would say, this is brilliant. I don’t know about everybody else, but I was ready for a little leavity. Not that you’re obligated in anyway — just know that it’s appreciated.

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  10. *clears throat*…* raises one eyebrow*…
    no mention of the Muslim fans…who’d also be offended by the pork and the swearing, and the naughty fanfics…. :s

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    • I thought the same thing. πŸ™‚

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    • I’ll be serious for a second and say that I had a line about Muslims in this originally and decided to take it out for fear that any joke a U.S. Jewish blogger made about Muslims might be taken badly. I apologize for being oversensitive and promise to include Muslims next time I can think of a reason to do so.

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      • oh go on..you’ve got to share the the joke now!!!
        (I cannot imagine any one being offended if the joke was in line with the ones above!)

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        • I don’t remember the exact wording I had anymore, but my basic line of thinking was that he was being overwhelmed by letters from Muslim fans who were grateful that Lucas North had protected the Muslim girls in Spooks 8.7, especially because Spooks often had such Muslim-hostile plots, which had worried him. He was also grateful that Muslim girls wear such modest swimming suits because his mum was opening his mail while he was in NZ.

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          • LOLOL..Im laughing because the punchline was all wrong!!
            The line should have been..he was grateful they were wearing Burkinis, as his mum was opening his mail !! ( Does she really?? Damn.. the Burkini photo…)
            you still should have kept it in though!!
            Yeh the script was pretty dire sometimes..
            a funny one where in 9.1..two “muslim” terrorists greeting eachother..one says to the other…shalom..
            LOL.

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      • I wondered if you’re being Jewish had anything to do with it, that you didn’t want to be misinterpreted. πŸ™‚

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  11. This is not a joke post. It is the honest truth. I know this because Aidan took me out for a beer when RA turned him down. πŸ˜‰

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  12. Love this, especially his indecision over the beard trimming! πŸ™‚

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  13. This is a rip roaring riot, Serv!
    Brilliant!
    Thanks for ending my day on a giggle.
    Cheers! Grati ;->

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  14. “Logs onto C19 under alias.(LOL!) A few cute new stories about John Thornton. Smiles approvingly.” ROTFLOL!
    Sorry,but I could’t help myself! Thanks!:)

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  15. aawg! so cute! and so much to laugh about! “10:02 p.m. β€” Realizes Christmas is still eight months off.” ROTFLOL! thanks!!!

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  16. Such fun πŸ™‚ LMAO. All the beard indecision is hilarious.

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  17. Love this serv so funny. I must also say I love that picture Thorin as a tourist Bless Him lol!!!

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  18. Sitting in a bar in a small village in Andalucia, chortling hysterically, afraid of spitting beer on my computer… neighbors staring at me like I’m a nut case.

    Brilliant, Servetus! There’s not enough laughter in the world and you just delivered a megadose.

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  19. This is hysterical!

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  20. Of course, Jas – this is EXACTLY how he spends his days!!!
    Terrific, servetus!
    πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

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    • I forgot to put in the part where he wrote email to his parents to assure them that he wasn’t having sex with carrots.

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  21. Very funny!! But – carrots…WTF???

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    • πŸ˜‰ I would guess this is Servetus’s ‘variations on a theme’ homage to false rumors of another actor and ‘gerbils’, while using a new target group that had not yet been offended….

      Like

  22. Loved it! I think your next career should be in satirical writing.
    Chag sameach v’kasher.

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  23. I can’t choose my favorite line because this whole post is brilliant ! I really hope he’s not as neurotic as you (and you shouldn’t be either πŸ˜‰ ) and simply enjoy life.

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  24. That was really funny! Poor guy with his vicious fans… πŸ˜€

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  25. LMAO….very good, Nice to have a bit of light hearted fun ☺

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  26. Hilarious, though I do believe 6:30 am is a fact, LOL This is truly the funniest piece I’ve read all week. Definitely one to read again when after a quick pick-me-up.

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  27. πŸ˜€ A very funny post, although at the same quite uncanny in its accuracy of describing a day in RA’s life. Scary! πŸ˜‰

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  28. LOL really funny! I’m so glad that RA is NOT spending his life this way–although it was a last to read. You brought a smile to my face– thanks, Servetus!

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  29. *blast* sheesh

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  30. Thanks Servetus, this is just what I (we?) needed. ROFL! Oh, and thanks for the reminder…must go start my Christmas shopping *wink*

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  31. […] Vlog #6 for The Hobbit. Aside from debates about which dwarf was Armitage in the wet scenes, we got that wonderfully uplifting picture of Armitage taking a picture with his phone. But the thing that was decisive for me in that vlog was the shot of Armitage being filmed as he […]

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  32. […] for comment, Armitage’s publicist said that Armitage had indeed, in a moment of anxiety, taken punctuation lessons, but in a spate of wrestling unsuccessfully with the utility of the Oxford comma, had given the […]

    Like

  33. […] sequel of sorts to this. Of course, this piece was just a spoof, in part in honor of UK Expat, who likes “neurotic […]

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  34. Reblogged this on Me + Richard Armitage and commented:

    I’d forgotten that we’d had this discussion earlier.

    Like

  35. Serv, your aren’t that little fly on the wall are you???? What fun to let your mind run wild. Thanks for the giggles. Always a joy to laugh.

    Like

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